Have you ever had a painful experience of parting with a loved one? Or getting a turn from the gate when trying to strike up an informal acquaintance? Or “flunk” the first date?
Most likely – Yes.
How did you feel about this? Humiliation, bitterness, a feeling that something is wrong with you? Fear of being alone?
Where does the fear of being rejected come from at all, how does it affect relationships and can you fight it?
Oh, it s not for nothing that on the Temple of Apollo in Delphi it was inscribed: “Man, know yourself.” We don t know ourselves! And we always doubt ourselves. Because of this, we evaluate ourselves based on someone else s opinion.
Some of us are so dependent on outside approval, so afraid of being rejected, that we devote our whole lives to a “high†goal: to meet other people s expectations at all costs.
Does this bring dissonance to our lives? Undoubtedly.
First, an attempt to build personal happiness on someone else s approval turns a powerful healthy tree of the human psyche into a kind of bonsai with a twisted trunk and damaged growth points. A person seems to freeze in one uncomfortable position, ceasing to develop normally.
And then the “pretender” suffers from attempts to create a strong bond with a partner, but in vain: a relationship built on falsehood is doomed. Only your usual behavior from the very beginning of the relationship will allow events to develop (or end) naturally.
Secondly, the fear of rejection poisons the most promising relationships with jealousy, a thirst to possess a person and keep him at any cost.
People who are really suitable for each other will come together anyway – because like attracts like. The unsuitable ones will inevitably disperse.
If the person has not accepted you, it can be a painful, but also very rewarding experience. The experience of “rejection”, rightly accepted and lived, creates conditions for growth, gives the courage to try and fail. After all, only those who are not afraid to be themselves can find something really valuable, something of their own. Even if the majority does not accept him, there will be someone who needs just such a person.
It is impossible and unnecessary to please everyone. There are only a small group of people in your environment with similar interests, values, and goals. Naturally, you will stick to them. And what do you care about the rest? With someone from your circle, a romantic relationship is also possible, which can develop into a wonderful harmonious union.
The fear of rejection is rooted in fear of loneliness and self-doubt. But by and large, you can do without anyone. For your inner self, even the closest people are only projections of a restless mind onto real people, whom in fact you do not know at all. The most valuable and beautiful thing you have is yourself.
Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations