People do not think of happiness without love and idealize it in every possible way. What do we expect from the relationship? Most often – the fulfillment of a childhood dream. We were brought up on beautiful fairy tales of love and we naively hope that our relationship will develop according to the script of a romantic film.

Many of us believe that a happy relationship is a sweet Hollywood fairy tale with an indispensable happy ending (which, upon closer inspection, is all templates and window dressing!). In such films, all the twists and turns ends when the hero proposes to his beloved and they kiss passionately … It is assumed that there, behind the scenes, some thirty years later, the heroes are still burning out of mutual passion. They are always together, basking in each other s arms and pompously confessing their love.

And there is nothing more annoying when, in reality, we become the hero of a film from the “Other cinema” section. And there everything is for real: anguish and quarrels, resentment and jealousy, hard grinding to each other and even betrayal …

What s next? Maybe admit that a Hollywood fairy tale failed at the box office of real life and start building a real relationship based on non-fictional facts about love? This is the lot of strong and mature individuals.

But, unfortunately, most people continue to lie to themselves and those around them, to believe that the only problem that needs to be solved in order to become happy in a relationship is to find the right partner, that very “only person”. And if the relationship is not developing according to the Hollywood scenario, you just have to keep looking! “Does my soul mate go somewhere? ..” – I quote my clients.

It seems that someone seriously believes that a bad mood, difficult characters of partners, a difficult life situation will affect all spheres of life … but somehow they will bypass our ideal family.

The sharper the expectation of the “fairy tale”, the more crushing the breaking of ideals will be and the more painful the disappointment …

Even if the relationship began, “like in a movie,” and the partners had fun and brightly lived the candy-bouquet period, after all there will be rapprochement, common life, repairs, moving, the appearance of children and God knows what else – situations in which we will- we will inevitably face reality.

And we stubbornly want our chosen one to always “correctly” play his role, desire us more and more and endlessly prove his love. Only someday he will definitely deviate from your script. And now hopes have been shattered, and it seems that the loved one is not at all who he pretended to be. And again we are in the captivity of depression, and maybe even despair. We mourn a broken dream and a failed life. And then – someone continues to suffer, but the world is presented with a ceremonial version of the relationship, and someone again goes in search of a soul mate.

But it was not for nothing that such an oath was invented “to love in sorrow and in joy, in wealth and in poverty, in illness and in health.” It’s just the other side of love, “not fabulous”. This is a real relationship that you still need to work on and work on, develop and maintain them throughout your life. Learn to compromise, forgive, and accept. And it s hard. But you can.

What is a “happy relationship”? What do they depend on? Definitely not from a partner … or rather, not only from him!

Happiness doesn t come from outside. It is born inside each of us. Therefore, do not expect someone to make you happy. It s too childish.

Let s leave Hollywood scripts for the big screens. Life is much more complicated and interesting.

You can make an informed choice – accept yourself, your partner and the relationship as a whole, with all the “non-Hollywood” features. I think the greatest happiness is to be yourself and give the same opportunity to your loved one.

Alexey Afanasov,
psychologist, leading practice and trainings

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