When clients come with a jealousy problem, I see the same picture. Apparently, jealousy in general for everyone follows a similar pattern. It rests on two supports. The first – the main one – is the thirst for possession. The second is the fear of being deceived by a fool. There is a third – less common – to have the right to judge and punish the “guilty” partner. This mixture of fear, anger and condemnation is called jealousy. And sometimes, sadly, love.
They say that he is jealous, that means he loves. Do you think so too? If you believe that your partner loves because he is jealous, it s time to think – what, in fact, do you call love? Addiction and control? Or maybe aggression and fear? Good “love”! And then people are surprised: “Why is he me so …” Loves “…”
Jealousy as the lust for possession
This is the most common type. love jealousy. It is caused by happy anticipations and hopes that are pinned on a partner. This can be imagined as a tunnel of the future, which a jealous person drew in his head. In this tunnel, he happily anticipates a concrete, pleasing life with his partner. And now, when the partner s behavior does not correspond to these expectations, or even worse – destroys them, then from the fear of losing an invented future, the jealous person gets angry and capricious – that is, jealous.
Simply put, here jealousy is the unwillingness to lose “our†partner, the unwillingness to meet the unknown and therefore frightening future. Such fear covers most of all the dependent and inferior non-self-sufficient people – those who do not know how to rely on themselves in this life.
Such dependence is not necessarily material. It can manifest itself much more dramatically on a psychic level. That is, even a person who is financially secure may turn out to be “needy†and dependent – and therefore jealous in terms of the soul, which is used by all kinds of gigolos and kept women, manipulating the jealousy of their victim.
This also includes the unwillingness to meet their own fears of loneliness and lack of demand. If such have settled in the soul, jealousy can work smoothly, absorbing a significant part of personal strength. In practice, in order to somehow patch up the threats from their own fears, the jealous person throws tantrums and tries to control the partner.
In such situation brain blow jealousy is an attempt to force a partner to “love” – ??that is, to continuously serve the fears of a jealous person – eternal proof that he has no reason to be afraid of loneliness and his uselessness. From here, a sense of ownership grows, prompting you to make a loyal and obedient property out of your partner.
The question “Do you love me?” – this is essentially a request, or even a demand from a jealous person to appease his self-doubt. Even sex can interest a jealous person only as an opportunity to feel needed.
Jealousy as the fear of being deceived by a fool
This type of jealousy is the fear of humiliation. The jealous person seems to have a presentiment that the traitor-partner, having entered into a conspiracy with his lover, makes a burdock out of the jealous person, deceives him and secretly mocks him. And now, anticipating such a humiliating attitude towards himself, the jealous man, in order to protect his dignity, arranges for the accused a personal Armageddon.
Well, a jealous person would know for sure that his partner is cheating on him and would be angry “justlyâ€. But this type of jealousy is blinding. A jealous person is ahead of events, and in order not to be deceived by a burdock, he ascribes to himself omniscience – they say, he cannot be deceived – he is so smart and perceptive. It is not necessary for him to even interrogate his victim, you can immediately start with accusations.
At first, such jealousy can even please the innocent side – it seems like they “loveâ€, since they are jealous. Until it comes to hysterics, tyrannical control, or even assault. They say that “love” is cruel?
In advanced cases, the desire to expose the “deception” by exposing the traitor can become a passion and even the meaning of one s entire life. A jealous person invests in his obsessions to the fullest, and in order to justify the investment, he tries to catch a partner cheating in any unthinkable situation. Each absurdity can be in the eyes of a jealous person an indisputable “proof” of the deceitfulness of a partner.
Otherwise, one would have to admit that all this time the jealous man was making himself a deceived fool, because all his accusations are most often self-deception and tyranny. But he is not ready to admit these facts and calm down. It is easier for him to insist on his righteousness for the rest of his life, and to believe that he is a lonely hero defending justice. And no one will outsmart him. Because nobody needs it. He s fooling himself anyway.
At the same time, the jealous person stubbornly refuses to take responsibility for his experiences. Supposedly it is not he himself who is jealous, throwing sparks, but he is cruelly tortured, forcing him to be jealous. And therefore, a jealous man with intoxicated stubbornness makes his partner to blame for his own torment, expecting him to pay back soon for all the torments he has endured. In such a relationship, a jealous person becomes a cruel tyrant, ruthlessly condemning and punishing his “loved ones”.
Does anyone else want to call jealousy love? BUT?
Jealousy as distrust
There is a widespread belief that jealousy is caused by distrust. But for me, explaining jealousy with distrust in this way is like blaming the very fact of enclosed spaces for your own claustrophobia. Both confined spaces and mistrust are neutral phenomena, but the fears that are wound around them are unstable and subjective.
And not every jealousy is accompanied by distrust. After all, they are jealous not only of rivals, but also of work and hobbies, children and cats – anything that distracts the desired attention from the jealous person. And if a person, in general, is prone to jealousy, for his mistrust and reasons are not required. Paranoia “magically” creates them out of nothing.
Another stereotype about jealousy convinces that the jealous person is jealous, because he is cheating – they say, he judges by himself and ascribes his infidelity to his partner. That is, based on this logic, all the distrustful are deceivers, and the gullible simpletons are honest people. Such a relationship, if it can be traced, then with great stretch. A jealous person is not necessarily prone to betrayal, and a party confident in a partner s reliability can calmly “walk to the leftâ€. As a person by occupation, communicating with people heart to heart, I fully confirm this fact.
On progressman.ru, a number of recent articles have been devoted to the topic of neuroses and neurotics. There I spoke in detail about the fact that there are simply no psychologically healthy people in our society. At least for this reason, there is no point in being ashamed of your own jealousy. Almost all of us are such “loving†jealous people.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- Affection under the mask of love
- Loyalty, betrayal and open relationships
- Should we love