Consider tyranny for a couple in which the husband is a tyrant and the wife is the victim.

The tyrant creates in a woman in love the appearance of well-being, a strong male shoulder. And she can live with him for a long time in pink glasses, believing that outbursts of anger are just an accident.

Others do not know: “Why don t they disperse? Why put up with this? ” The answer is simple: the game brings both secret satisfaction and addiction.

The tyrant needs to dominate and rise above the chicken wife (as he considers her). The victim is to complain, feel sorry for himself and … shift responsibility for his life and actions to her husband. Yes, and there are many benefits to the passive position!

Who is a tyrant

Tyrant (or despot) – a person obsessed with a lust for power. A neurotic who seeks to constantly control and suppress a partner depending on him in order to assert himself at his expense.

The neurosis is fueled by a deeply hidden inferiority complex. Therefore, the tyrant is in a constant race for self-affirmation – both at home and at work. If you remove the mask from this person, he will be vulnerable, infantile and weak. But since it is precisely these qualities that he despises most of all, the tyrant (subconsciously fearing that his weak essence will be revealed) does not allow anyone close to him and does not go into a trusting relationship.

5 signs of a tyrant

  • For such a person, the main question in a relationship is: “Who is the boss in the house?” And the only correct answer is “I”.

  • He plays the role of a caring father of a family, a leader; a brave, ambitious, strong, best person in everything.

  • Differs in painful pride, touchy. Does not tolerate comments in his address.

  • Not inclined to compromise and dialogue. All those who disagree with him are “fools”, “profane”, “boors”. Another s opinion expressed aloud is a challenge to his omnipotence, a rebellion – and must be defeated. Any arguments of the opponent are ignored and have no meaning for the despot.

  • The tyrant is a great manipulator. The main weapons against the victim: intimidation, appeal to feelings of guilt, pressure by authority.

Relationship with a tyrant husband

At first, it is easy to mistake a tyrant for a real man, a leader, a promising groom who will take great care of the family. However, a true leader never suppresses or humiliates people, he inspires everyone by his own example and prefers teamwork. And what a tyrant is in a relationship, a woman will soon learn from her bitter experience.

The tyranny of the husband flourishes as the wife becomes more and more dependent on him. As soon as the bird is trapped in a cage, advice turns into orders, and care gives way to cruelty.

Of course, there is no question of any respect for his wife. The despot can encourage her for obedience, but he will also punish her for her willfulness. Moreover, his wife s misdeeds give him special pleasure, because then he can turn around, let off steam.

The tyrant will do everything to make his wife as dependent on him as possible. The ideal option if she is an orphan, newcomer, unemployed and gives birth to more children from him. Then it will definitely not go anywhere!

Moreover, common acquaintances are unlikely to take his wife s complaints about the despot seriously. To friends, he may seem like a very pleasant, reserved and intelligent person.

The despot reveals his essence only with those who depend on him and are ready to become a victim. The subordinate position provokes him to aggressive behavior. The more the victim allows the tyrant, the more he loses control over himself. Often it comes to assault.

How to deal with the tyranny of your husband

Unfortunately, the tyrant is not capable of normal human relations at all. Domestic tyranny is a neurosis, mania, if you will, not a variant of the norm. But such a person is not going to be treated. To admit that something is wrong with him means to give up his own infallible authority, and this is simply impossible for a despot. Therefore, we will proceed from the fact that the tyrant cannot be corrected and that we will have to work on ourselves.

So, the first step: realize why you are paired with this person. What benefits do you get from this relationship? Are you ready to do something about it?

Step two: step out of the victim role. Stop reacting to your husband s comments and manipulations. Start taking control of your life on your own, learn to say no. If possible, become financially independent from your husband.

Noticing that the victim is out of control, the tyrant will try to return everything to square one: he will pry you, accuse you, frighten you. Don t give in.

Your life is your responsibility. Nobody and nothing can make you live with this person! Don t make excuses that you are doing this for the sake of the children. Yes, children need a full-fledged family, but (!) With healthy, respectful relationships. The parental example of the union “tyrant – victim” will cause more harm to their psyche than an incomplete family.

PS If life with a tyrant is unbearable or threatens your health, divorce immediately. And you will work on yourself (perhaps with a psychologist) later.

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

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