Relationship models are laid in childhood.
We cannot always explain why we are drawn to someone, because he is far from a gift! The other (positive in every sense!) For some reason does not catch us. “No-no, it s just a friend, no more,” we say.

And one day we notice that our relationship painfully resembles parental relationships, although we did our best to live differently.

How to get out of the vicious circle?

The parental home in our subconscious

In each adult, a Kid is hiding behind many masks. Psychologists call him the Inner Child. This is how we once came into this world – completely helpless, trusting and infinitely loving.

We met with the main people for us – the parents. And they began to diligently learn from them. We did it without criticism or doubt, because in any of their actions (even sometimes mean and cruel) we saw love. In other words, as long as the child accepts the parents completely and absolutely.

A kid (unlike an adult) easily adapts to any conditions, taking for granted the proposed realities. That is why, growing up, it is much easier for us to take the models laid down in childhood than to start something new and unknown.

Exercise 1

Write down the negative associations you have when you hear the phrase “parental home.” For example:

  • cold,
  • anxiety,

  • scandals.

It is important to realize what the atmosphere of your childhood was, because, growing up, we unconsciously reproduce it in our own family.

The Inner Child and Partner Choice

Someone had a happy, “spoiled” childhood. The other, on the contrary, lived in an atmosphere of fear, he was criticized a lot, completely forgetting to say how much he was loved. In any case, the relationship of parents to us and to each other forms unique needs and a system of life values ??in each person, which we then transfer into adulthood.

The Inner Child persistently sends us signals: which partner to choose and how to build a relationship with him. But sometimes his requests are completely illogical.

Exercise 2

Fill in the table as in the example, entering your options in the columns.



Positive traits

Negative qualities

Positive traits

Negative qualities







a strong character,





Now some unexpected information!

We are drawn to partners with the most pronounced negative traits of our parents. Alas, subconsciously they seem attractive to us.

We can dream of family harmony and mutual respect with a spouse, and the Inner Child – contrary to our desires – will look for the most accurate copy of a parent with whom he was not doing well. Thus, he tries to “fix” the relationship.

Unable to independently hear and fulfill the desires of our Inner Child, we enter into painful relationships or are in an eternal search for a partner – the “ideal parent”, hoping that someone will come and make us happy.

When should you work with your Inner Child?

  • You enter into a dependent relationship.
  • You are not confident in yourself and it is difficult for you to find a soul mate.

  • You are unsuccessfully looking for the “ideal parent” in your partner.

Examples among us.
The boy, whom his mother did not like affection, having become a man, has been trying for years to win the heart of his beloved, a kind of “snow queen”.
The girl is so sweet, but all the time she falls in love with the “March cats” who break the poor girl s heart by cheating on her friends.
And someone is in constant search and is always not satisfied with the next partner. After all, he does not speak affectionate words, does not know how to support in difficult times, pays little attention.

We change ourselves – we change the relationship with a partner

Take responsibility for your Inner Child. Don t pin everything on your partner. Understand that no one person can make up for everything that you lack.

Take care of yourself. Love the tactile sensation – go to the spa, get a massage, get a dog eventually. Lack of support – praise yourself more often, rather than criticize yourself. Build self-confidence.

To eradicate the negative relationship pattern from your subconscious, you need to take five steps:

  1. Enter into constructive dialogue with your Inner Child.
    (In modern psychology, meditation, transformational games, trainings and consultations are used for this.)
  2. Understand what parental patterns and attitudes are affecting your life and free yourself from them.
  3. Start building relationships the way you want.
  4. Look for harmony and satisfaction of your needs in yourself, not in a partner

Remember, change starts with yourself. When you change, the world around you changes.

5. Accept and love yourself and your partner for who you are.

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,

psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations

and family constellations

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *