Love and being in love are almost opposite things. Love is a form of adequacy, and falling in love is a form of madness.
Love is possible only with high awareness, when you have good contact with the real. For example, you lived with a person for five years, you know him as flaky with all his shortcomings, evaluate him soberly and still want to be around. Love is sober knowledge and acceptance of the truth.
What is being in love?
Problem # 1: going crazy
Falling in love is, on the contrary, such a loss of mind and a disconnection from reality. You do not really know the truth, but you are already embellishing it. For example, you spent a year alone and suddenly went out on a date. It was successful – and you rejoice: â€œI finally found my happiness!â€. And imagine: â€œwhat kind of communication we will have – soul to soul! What the sex will be! What children!”
You unwind this chimera of future happiness in your head with all your might, bother over it, supplement it with details – ideas of shared happiness. You cultivate this essence in your head and it swells in size. And then you believe that this hallucination is your real situation. That is, you go crazy. This is how the initial phase of love proceeds.
And then there are two options for the development of the script.
Problem # 2: a made-up betrayal
The first option for further development of events is constructive. Inflamed with fantasies, you continue to communicate with your beloved, you get to know him better – and then you understand how you divorced yourself. You see how a real person differs from fantasies and you are disappointed – that is, you remove the haze of your hasty charm. “No one is to blame, it happens to everyone.”
The second scenario development scenario is destructive: you refuse to admit self-deception and begin to persecute and accuse your beloved: “why the hell did he betray our love ?!” You force him to repent and come in line with your fantasy.
Problem # 3: a lover doesn t love
Notice the paradox: a lover does not love a real person; he doesn t even like a real person, so the lover remakes him.
The lover declares his great love for his beloved, but in reality he is not even interested in the present. A real person is generally a hindrance to the feelings of a lover. He “must” disappear in order to make way for an imaginary lover from a happy fantasy.
That is, falling in love is an attempt to pull reality onto fantasy – that very inflated chimera of happy “love”.
Problem # 4: persistent self-deception
It is difficult to admit self-deception to a lover, because falling in love seems to him intimate. This is her so often called real, great love.
The more powerfully the chimera of love is swung, the stronger it is to believe that this is the true connection – the same one for life. That is, the lover declares his illness sacred, calls this hallucination the truth.
A client once approached me after five years of unrequited love. The girl was dynamic, and the lover all these years believed that she was just being capricious … out of pride, or did not understand her feelings.
That is, he convinced himself that the girl loved him too. After all, she is â€œthe same, dear and only oneâ€. The whole life situation indicated to him self-deception. But the chimera of love continued to seem sacred, so there was no doubt.
The lover clings to the idea of ??happiness with his beloved and calls this stubborn attachment loyalty. They say his feelings are so genuine and sacred that he doesn t need anyone else. In fact, he just lost the ability to enjoy the company of other people, and even life itself.
When a person is in love, he may still like others. And he is able to enjoy life in general.
Today s article is a synopsis of a recent video. Images to the text from the same place.
Problem # 5: depreciation
The most insidious property of falling in love is the devaluation of all other life. The lover believes that his beloved is the only option for happiness. And everything else is an abyss of meaninglessness.
Therefore, the lover no longer notices the little joys of life. A powerful illusory duality obscures his attention. The first illusion is happiness with your beloved. The second illusion is the meaninglessness of the rest of life. He looks at his beloved through rose-colored glasses; for the rest of his life – through dark glasses. First, she runs into the illusion of happiness with her beloved. And then the illusory meaninglessness pours in with a vengeance. And so in a circle.
I talked about such depreciation more on progressman.ru in an article about depression.
Problem # 6: loss and grief from scratch
Imagine you were given a million. It has not been in the morning yet. And you immediately began to fantasize: finally, I will build the house of my dreams, Iâ€™ll move all my friends there, Iâ€™ll finally get creative! Everything has already been planned out. And by evening it turned out that the suitcase was empty – you were deceived.
You return to your usual life without a million. And she no longer suits. You devalued it – and now it seems prickly and pointless. Now imagine that you believed in a mythical million not for one day, but for a whole year – you escaped from reality into the illusion of happiness with your beloved.
All psychology is about learning to recognize and accept the real: yourself and your life. This is true love – sobriety and agreement with the real.
A small continuation of this article.