Contemporary lovestory.

She just adores him. Yes, and he is crazy about her … And so the guys decide to get married. And, as usual, they arrange for themselves the perfect magnificent wedding. On this they should stop.

But no! Between work and household chores the newly-minted wife studies articles of psychologists on the Internet. Learns how to build harmonious relationships with her husband, his family and their (future) child …

The husband, too, no, no, and will follow the coveted link. How else to become the right husband and father?

But something doesn t work out perfectly. Well, you don t need such a relationship at all. There is no longer any strength to improve them! And it is better to look for another person more suitable for the perfect picture.

Seems like I m slightly exaggerating? May be so. I deliberately thickened the colors. But from my own experience and the experience of my clients, I know that the most detrimental to marriage is trying to create an ideal family. Childhood dream to marry a prince. Well, at least once and for all!

Too much information!

The newlyweds want to do everything right. They all the time ask themselves questions: “Is this normal?”, “Is this how it should be?”, “Is it like that for everyone?”

Now on the Internet you can learn a lot of useful things. How to build a harmonious relationship with your mother-in-law? How to answer if the mother-in-law “wants to command” in your family? And in addition to the requested information, many new topics usually pop up at once, which have not been thought about before.

For example, should the wife be allowed to be friends with her male classmates VKontakte? “HM. Stop. Do not even know. And what, it is necessary to control this issue too, so that the marriage does not break up? I wonder if it s true if she is friends with them? There. In contact with. I have to ask somehow. But how? You just can t ask in the forehead. ” New request: “How to talk to your wife correctly …” We start reading. “Wow! So I, it turns out, before that spoke with my wife completely wrong. Nightmare. We urgently need to change and fix everything. ”

Do you understand what I mean? The process of obtaining new information on how to live properly in a family is endless.

And imagine that not only husband and wife, but also father-in-law with mother-in-law and mother-in-law with father-in-law are engaged in all these searches for “the rules of life”. Maybe they don t read on the Internet, but in their favorite newspaper. Then the children will catch up, they will begin to enlighten. And collective attempts not only to communicate and enjoy life, but to love each other “correctly” lead to disastrous consequences.

Whose advice do you follow?

Alarmed spouses and household members consider it necessary to constantly enlighten and develop, because without this there will be no happiness.

But sources of information are rarely checked. Numerous recommendations of “experts” from the Internet are trusted more than the opinions of loved ones. And there is a dime a dozen of educational programs around, they are released to the delight of perfectionists in batches. Only conflicting advice is even more confusing.

But who is writing these articles?

Few people think about how competent the authors of the article are in the field of family relations.

Divorced psychologists instruct you on how to refresh your feelings if, after ten years of marriage, “you no longer feel the same attraction to each other.” Childless journalists give advice on raising difficult teens. Unmarried ladies are ready to tell you how to properly build a relationship with her husband.

And if this is really a professional psychologist, is his advice suitable for everyone? And can you limit yourself to reading the article?

Indeed, for real work and competent professional advice, it is necessary to meet with a psychologist and conduct at least one consultation. The work should go exactly with your family, with your unique situation.

You don t start giving yourself shots or pills after reading an article on the Internet, do you?

Ideally for whom?

There are no two identical people or two identical families in the world.

This also manifests itself at the most elementary level. Some people like blondes, and some like redheads. Give one girl a pile of muscles, and another – a gentle and vulnerable prince.

And the same variety of tastes and needs will be seen in deeper things.

For some, the main thing in a family is to do everything together, on the same wavelength. We climbed Elbrus, listening to the same music. We have a lot of mutual friends.

And for someone it is important that the house is in perfect order. And, please, without these nightclubs and a bunch of friends hanging out in the living room on weekends. We are resting at home, and apart from each other too. A person needs personal space.

Both will be “normal” and “correct.” And even perfect in its own way. It s just that one family is perfect for one thing, and for another – something completely different.

All that is natural …

It is also important to forgive yourself and your family members for small weaknesses.

Do not eradicate all of your spouse s shortcomings. To achieve complete frankness, which is already turning into excessive exposure of the soul. Or, on the contrary, prohibit any raising of the voice and deviation from the stereotype “there is peace and quiet in our family.”

In general, there is no need to try to fit everything into a common ideal. On the contrary, you can do everything wrong in your family. Do not wash dishes immediately after eating. Or, on the contrary, it is imperative to wash immediately, even if you fall from your feet from fatigue. Bring coffee to bed in the morning or never allow yourself and your loved one to eat in the bedroom. Everything that naturally developed in your family and suits you, this is your ideal family.

I’ll say a seditious thing now, I guess. Quarreling and sorting things out is also natural. Families are made up of real people. Each of them has its own strengths and weaknesses, its own habits, its own preferences. And a harmonious marriage is created through dialogue. Sincere, frank, sometimes – in a dialogue to break.

The family is a place of safety, where we reveal our weakest sides and hidden desires. It is important that the other person can accept us as we are. Imperfect. Tired. Angry with the boss. Hungry and irritated. Weak. Such family and loved ones.

The main thing that makes us a real family is still love. That nagging feeling when you walk past a room in which a tired spouse is dozing on the couch, and quietly cover him with a blanket. Or when in the morning before work you run out into the cold to clean the snow from the car of your beloved wife. This is what makes the couple a real family.

Why look for a far-fetched ideal if you already feel good together here and now?

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

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