We all know the common expression: “Fear your desires.”

Who of us has not come across the fact that a dream come true did not bring satisfaction at all, but, on the contrary, a whole tangle of problems?

For any person (if he is, of course, not an ascetic) life without desires is impossible. Especially if they belong to the strongest magnet – the longed-for happiness with a loved one:

“I want him to call me on a date”;

“I want her to agree to sex”;

“I want a child from him”;

“I want her to obey me in everything” etc.

There are “right” and “wrong” desires. But how can you tell them apart? How to learn to “want it right” or, as they say now, send the correct request to the universe?

In some cases, the right / wrong criterion is fairly obvious. For example, a husband wants to buy a motorcycle. The wife is against: this type of transport seems dangerous to her. They also planned renovations together. Instead of discussing the issue and reaching a compromise, the man decides to fulfill his desire regardless of the opinion of his wife and one day drives up to the house in a brand new Harley.

Yes, his wish was granted. But what did he actually pay for it? An impressive amount of money? No – he paid with the trust of his wife and good relations, and the wife received a “bonus” also a constant fear for the life and health of her husband.

Here s another story.

The girl lives with her boyfriend, who seems to love her, but is not going to marry. And the girl really wants to get married, and for this she quickly becomes pregnant. The guy, out of a sense of duty, starts a conversation about a wedding, but a happy ending in the style of “and they lived happily ever after” does not work. The couple lives in an atmosphere of mutual claims, and the child watches the parents regular quarrels. As a result, all three are candidates for an appointment with a psychotherapist … This is the price to pay for the “wrong” desire.

What do you think the girl really wanted? Family happiness? No. She wanted to get her beloved man in property.

Desires aimed at satisfying your ego are seeds of destructiveness, which in the future grow as weeds and destroy relationships.

What should have been the desire in this situation? It can be formulated in different ways, but the essence is as follows: “I want a constructive and high relationship with a loved one.” A logical continuation of this phrase will be: “And I am ready to invest in our relationship, work on them a lot and subtly, accepting a partner as a separate universe, agreeing with his choices and decisions.”

So, if desire is “correct”, its inner strength and vector are directed not towards possession, but towards development. Possession stops and plunges into a swamp, development gives freedom, creativity and self-confidence.

I mentioned confidence for a reason. She has a special meaning for both men and women.

We will talk about what confidence is for a woman and how to find it in the next article.

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

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