We love to classify and organize everything. Even such a shaky, elusive concept as love has not escaped attempts to be measured, dissected, categorized. Philosophers, poets, sexologists divide love into types and degrees of development: from the lowest animal passion to the merging of souls in the divine ether.
But this is all lyrics.
But what is love in the opinion of psychologists?
1. Dependency
Addiction is similar to love, but destructive and unstable. In such a relationship, everyone wants to have the chosen one, as a thing. Partners cling to each other with a stranglehold – because they are not able to remain alone with themselves, because then they will see their own inferiority and failure.
Figuratively speaking, addicted lovers have a hole in their souls, and they simply plug their own inferiority with the presence of a partner. They seriously think that only with him life is filled with meaning.
But you can get rid of your emptiness, incompleteness, lack of love only by working on yourself and finding your own resources in work, creativity, hobbies, friends (the list is endless), and not using the resources of a partner.
An addicted relationship is an unhealthy attachment where a person greedily demands his own, bargains, takes power. They are dominated by jealousy, attempts to rise against the background of another, manipulation and resentment. The life of such a couple is always “on the brink”: euphoria is often replaced by hysteria, and then depression.
Breaking this connection is extremely painful. After him, it is difficult for a person to establish new relationships. Trying to avoid suffering, he either chooses loneliness, or asserts himself at the expense of a new partner, trying to restore the trampled self-respect.
2. Love of two mature personalities
Just as a child gradually learns not only to take, but also to give, not only to demand, but also to negotiate – a psychologically mature person does not reshape a partner according to his egoistic desires, but learns to accept, to be aware of his uniqueness. This is how real relationships are born.
Of course, here too, quarrels and conflicts are inevitable (and normal!). But even in them, people remain conscious and attentive to the feelings of a partner, remembering that he is a living person, and do not try to assert themselves at his expense.
A mature relationship is flexibility, the ability to hear each other and accept a person with all the “convolutions” and “cracks”. In such a pair, they respect each other, giving everyone space for their own interests.
This is how real, living, sensitive love is born and develops. It is she who leads the lovers to the next, even more wonderful stage in the development of the couple.
3. Harmony and co-creation
If codependency is the lowest and saddest form of relationship, then co-creation is the highest and joyful fruit of true love.
It is truly wonderful when two mature and full-fledged personalities go hand in hand towards a common goal. Such an alliance is not afraid of time, parting and distance. Both partners are getting better, deeper, more harmonious. They feel psychologically free, but at the same time they are very close.
The happiest children grow up in the atmosphere of such a family. After all, they are loved with unconditional love and at the same time they encourage diversified development in every possible way. Then they will create their own happy families, and the circles of good will diverge forever.
But! It takes the most effort to achieve the best! Looking at happy couples who have lived together for many years, we often do not realize what a tremendous job has been done, and we believe that they were just lucky to meet each other!
Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations