The Spanish playwright Lope de Vega wrote:
Love is, of course, heaven, but the garden of paradise
Jealousy often turns you into hell.
But the reflections of the French philosopher Denis Diderot: “Jealousy is the passion of a wretched, stingy animal afraid of loss …”
Agree, we are all a little jealous. In moderate doses, it is not fatal for love. But there is such jealousy that destroys everything bright in a relationship: respect, trust and, in the end, love.
We will talk about the varieties of such painful jealousy today.
Classification of jealousy in psychology
Jealousy from oppression
This is the lot of people with low self-esteem. “I am so-and-so, stupid, unsuccessful, unlucky …”
Of course, such a person does not consider himself worthy of love. If he is lucky to meet someone, then this is perceived as an accident, a misunderstanding. After all, absolutely any person is better than him! Unhappy all the time in anticipation of an imminent break in relations. When will the partner leave him? Today? Tomorrow?
Painful sensitivity, excessive vulnerability, almost manic suspiciousness – these are the main characteristics of “oppressed” jealous people.
The motto of such a relationship: “I love you, so you are mine!”
The partner is perceived as property. And all the time and strength, emotions and mental impulses of the partner-“thing” should be directed exclusively to the “owner”. Looking at a member of the opposite sex is a priori treason.
Most often, an emotionally cold, power-hungry, stubborn person who respects only himself is playing the role of “master”.
This is a harsher version of the “owner”. (But don’t take masculine literally: the female tyrant also plays this role with great success.)
Jealous motto: “If not in my opinion, then in any way!”
The tyrant is smug and selfish. The only true picture of the world is his own, and he despises everyone who does not fit into it.
As a rule, such people are obsessed with “re-educating” their partner, breaking him “for themselves.” And if the tyrant notices the cooling of feelings, then there is only one explanation – treason. To prove something in this case is unrealistic, to justify it is impossible. He hears no one but himself. In addition, a jealous person is sincerely and firmly convinced that he is almost a god (well, certainly perfection), and any problem in a relationship is the partner’s fault. In such a relationship, the beloved either escapes, suffering huge moral and emotional losses, or becomes a slave.
If a person has heard all his life that “All men go to the left”, but “Women only dream of instructing their husbands horns”, or even he himself witnessed a parental drama, when one of them was convicted of treason – we are faced with a potential jealous person, because this attitude is deeply embedded in the subconscious.
Most often it occurs among those who themselves are not averse to having fun on the side. Confidence that “All people are the same”, plus the desire to justify themselves in their own eyes – and now there is another mechanism for the formation of jealousy. Moreover, sometimes it is not even treason, but only the thought of it, the desire to try on this role becomes a match for inciting jealousy.
Being jealous or living with a jealous person are both bleak options.
Pain, resentment, disappointment – that’s all that remains of love, burned out by jealousy. It would seem that it’s easier than ever to live and enjoy with your loved one. Today… Not yesterday, when you were alone, not tomorrow, when you may part, but today, when you are together. It turns out that for many it is insanely difficult. But probably. And this is a great spiritual work.
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations