We call attachment the need for the love of another person, the feeling of closeness and sympathy for him, the desire to be involved in his life.
We all want to feel needed, loved, significant.
However, where will our desire lead: to a wonderful, healthy relationship or to dependence on another person and destructive scenarios?
This is an unequal, parasitic relationship in which one uses the other as a thing. And it applies accordingly. This scenario does not provide for any high development. If only because the consumer is fed up with the same “human message”. He needs variety. And he will break the connection as soon as he feels satiated.
But if both are consumers in a pair, the situation may be fine for them and last as long as it suits them.
Remember Soames Forsythe, his wife Irene and the words: “This is mine! My own! ” (J. Galsworthy “The Forsyte Saga“)? This is a great illustration of this type of relationship. Moreover, the owner, in comparison with the consumer, looks like a noble gentleman: he is ready to marry and take care of his “thing” so that it does not lose its presentation, and the good owner has the opportunity to use it as often as he wants.
However, if the “property” suddenly reveals its character, its desires and opinions, if it resists and tries to escape, the owner is indignant and suffers because he is strongly attached to it.
The affection of a small child is touching. He is so helpless and sincere that you want to take care of him. Save the worst of the worlds from the horrors. And if this behavior is observed in an adult? It turns out that he shifts responsibility for his life, actions to another and generally relaxes and enjoys carelessness, while the second is taking care of an over-aged child.
And of course, the infantile partner is afraid of losing his “guardian”, because then he will have to leave the comfort zone and cope with problems on his own. To avoid this, the “child” manipulates whims, tantrums, trying to evoke feelings of pity and shame in the patron.
This is the other side of the coin. The “parent” partner is eager to guide, patronize, care.
If a “parent” and “child” are united in a union, then it turns out to be quite strong and harmonious in its own way – albeit without any particular prospects for internal growth, alas.
In other scenarios, disagreements and cracks usually occur: not everyone likes a hyper-caretaker, and an infantile personality can finally “mature” and begin to resist an authoritarian “parent.”
This type of attachment is common for immature individuals – adolescents (or people who are psychologically close to them).
People have intersections at the point of common interests that bring them pleasure. The relationship of such a couple is easy (which is good), but superficial (which is bad).
But everyday life with its monotony, routine and “adult” boredom almost inevitably kills the relationship-game.
And this is already maturity and an organic change of roles in accordance with the situation.
At the beginning of a relationship, deep dissolution in a partner and admiration for him can be replaced by crises and disappointment.
However, gradual mutual maturation and co-development turn people into artists of their union, into mature individuals capable of playing, and caring, and a firm position, and a compromise. The relationship itself turns into a work of art, which over time becomes more polished and beautiful.
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations