1. The main rule: FORGET ABOUT THE RULES!
Yes Yes exactly! Parents, friends, books and films, and in general the whole world seems to be shouting: “the husband should be a breadwinner!” perhaps they became the basis of a relationship for someone. But you have your own world. In it, life proceeds according to its own laws – and, yes, they may seem simply unacceptable to others … These are their problems. If you are comfortable, if your life together is harmonious – live and be happy!
Yes, be prepared for the fact that your relationship will not become an example for others, perhaps you will often hear in your face or behind your back: “Yes, they are not like people!”
Decide for yourself what is more important: to build an “ideal relationship” that will be a model for everyone, or to live in pleasure with your loved one.
2. Learn each other’s love languages
Have you read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If not, be sure to do it.
It happens that we take offense at our partner, believing that he does not love us. In fact, he just expresses his love in a different way. By the way, he can also suffer from the fact that you are not doing something that should (in his opinion) beloved person. Such attitudes are formed in everyone in childhood, but nothing prevents us from mastering someone else’s language of love.
Each person’s notions of love are based on a certain “resource” shared by the partner. I will briefly tell you about them.
Words of encouragement
Such people “love with their ears.” For them, you need to hear compliments and praise. Words of support and the ability to ask for forgiveness are also important.
For others, the most valuable gift you can give is your time. To be with a loved one completely and completely, to pay attention only to him, listen to him and understand.
Someone wants to see the material expression of your love. Gifts don’t have to be expensive, attention is what matters. Sometimes you can surprise a loved one by cooking their favorite dish or by making something special with your own hands.
If your partner constantly complains that you are not helping him or not fulfilling your duties, it is most likely that the action-service is important to him, and not the kind words or gifts-trinkets. Ask him to make a to-do list: how you can help around the house and with the children. And try to always do this so as not to upset your loved one.
And there are people who cannot do without gentle touches, affection. Even if you are not used to such an expression of feelings, try to overpower yourself in order to please your soul mate. I am sure that over time you will get involved and you will also want more hugs.
It is important to know your love language and the love language of your partner, this will help you consciously and efficiently show and receive love.
3. Accept your partner as he is.
Unconditional love between a man and a woman is rare today. But who of us does not want to be accepted and loved simply for what we are … as in childhood.
Adopting a partner with all the pros and cons is not easy. If you learn to do this, your union will become truly strong.
I often tell my clients: “When you come to China, you are not trying to retrain the locals to eat with a fork. Do not think that there are chopsticks – a flaw that urgently needs to be eradicated. You silently observe, study a foreign culture. Eat with a fork yourself, or perhaps you are already making your first clumsy attempts to eat with chopsticks. So why do you want to remake your partner – a person of the opposite sex, upbringing, behind whom is a whole family, with its own traditions and concepts – for yourself?
Appreciate each other’s uniqueness, do not try to reshape the other person’s world. Study it, learn to understand – and you will love much of that which was alien to you.
4. Balance Intimacy and Separation
You are a couple, but not a single organism. Sometimes you need your loved one to be there, and there are times when you want to move away for a while and take a break from your partner.
Determining the correct distance and being able to regulate it depending on the emotional state of the partners is the aerobatics of the relationship.
Give each other the freedom to be themselves. Leave space and time to do your own (not family) business. Don’t force your loved one to share whatever is on their mind. If you see that your partner needs to be alone, do not force him with your attention and questions.
Maintain balance, and your relationship will never bore or become a burden to either of you.
5. Be self-sufficient
Dissolving in love – what could be more beautiful? Dissolve! In your own emotions, but not in your partner! Sooner or later, a relationship built on the dependence of one of the partners will fail, and there are many reasons for this. Here are just a few of them:
an addicted partner strangles a loved one with jealousy and total control;
addiction is nonsexual, the dependent partner begs for love, like a child for a toy – what kind of passion is there;
every minute of the relationship is clouded by the eternal expectation of a frightening, unbearable loss, as a result, the life of the dependent partner becomes some kind of monstrous drama, and this does not add joy to the relationship.
6. Don’t make big decisions in the heat of the moment.
Making commitments is a very serious step. Marriage, joint property, having a child – these are the decisions that will change your life and your relationship. You need to take them carefully and consciously. “The child will be born, and then everything will work out somehow!” – believe me, this is not the option! Your decision is your responsibility, do not blame anyone later that you, in a fit of passion, took a rash step, believing the tales of an ideal relationship.
By the way, it is also not worth parting, having cut a long relationship off the shoulder. Perhaps you just want to take revenge on your loved one for an insult. But will it make you happier? Whatever happens between you, first take a break. Look inside yourself, think about what you really want. Remember: in order to solve a problem that has arisen in a couple, you need to start working on yourself. After all, you cannot change your partner. Only by changing yourself will you influence his attitude towards you.
7. Don’t be afraid of loneliness
Yes, relationships are the easiest way to experience the fullness and joy of life. But each partner in itself is the whole world. A mature person is not afraid of being alone. He is equally good alone in a relationship.
Learn to cope with loneliness. Otherwise, avoiding it at all costs, you will enter into relationships with those who do not suit you at all.
Unfortunately, we cannot control the future. Be prepared for a loved one to leave your life for a variety of reasons. A willingness to accept this will give your relationship a fearless ease.
If the fear of being alone still gnaws at you, engage in self-development and self-knowledge, surrender to your favorite work, plunge headlong into a hobby – but you never know joy in life? Feel how many significant and interesting things are in your life, and your loved one is an important, but not the only part of it.
8. Live for today
Many of us live only with hope: in constant expectation of future unrealizable joys. And you need to work on relationships, be happy, live a full life here and now!
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations