“Can you love two at the same time?” I often see a question in such a wording on the forums. One gets the feeling that the author is not sure of his feelings or does not know what exactly the word “love” means. Well, who knows, guys?
Because of the versatility of love generated by the intricate connection “heart-mind-body”, it can be difficult to discern what the feeling is inspired by. And we cannot say for sure which love is “real”.
Therefore, the love triangle is a real problem that many simply do not know how to resolve.
So is love for two possible?
I will say this: of course it is possible!
How limited should a person be so that his heart contains only one attachment? A man loves his mother and wife at the same time. The mother adores all her children. A person can have many friends, and he is attached to each in his own way. This does not surprise anyone. Yes, only it is impossible to love two people in exactly the same way. Both the strength and the form of attachment differ.
A person capable of real feelings for another can love two and much! Therefore, love triangles have always been and will exist.
The most common situation is when we love two … but, as it were, at different stages of the relationship. With one partner we have a long-standing mature relationship built on deep understanding and deep affection, with another – love and passion that have recently ignited.
The fact is that if it is quite natural to be attached and even to be attracted to both, then it is impossible to be in love with two at the same time. Therefore, for a while, a new hobby overrides an old, proven feeling. Only now, when the illusions of falling in love dissipate, the old relationship will no longer be restored.
But there are also situations when a person is engaged in self-deception, because for some reason it is beneficial for him to believe that he loves two, although in reality this is not at all the case. For example:
As consumers in a relationship and not wanting to work on ourselves in order to accept a partner as he is, we mold the most suitable version of the beloved of two people.
It would be better for everyone in such a situation that you devote yourself to finding a new candidate that will better satisfy your needs, and do not torment these two unfortunates, let them go.
Everyone is pleased with the attention of two worthy candidates. But it’s not fair to them, is it? Therefore, do not pretend that you love both. You never want to hurt your loved one.
I want you to know now, while the old relationship is still not destroyed: changing partners will not give satisfaction. You will never be enough. This is not love, but just boredom. I would recommend finding yourself a hobby that provides the same level of drive and buzz, but does not break the heart of a loved one.
Yes, it’s scary to make a choice, you can be wrong … But, expecting that everything will somehow work out by itself or “testing” both partners until the situation is cleared up, you will almost certainly lose both.
Why does this happen?
I have already written more than once about the lack of self-sufficiency of a person, because of which he seeks to fill the void inside himself with a “second half.” And sometimes even one person is not enough here!
Here are some reasons why we, being tenderly attached to our partner, fall in love with another person:
Dissatisfaction with life, which arose most likely from fatigue and the inability to recharge dead batteries, for example, by going around the world.
All the irritation and disappointment accumulated during the time spent with a partner, we associate with the spouse, believing that it is his fault. But in a new relationship, we are finally blooming!
The need for change and the need for variety.
Over time, we get tired of a partner. (Those who read our portal know about the need for a balance of closeness and separation in a couple in order to give each other a sense of freedom and the opportunity to rest.) We try with the help of a third to let a stream of fresh air into our lives.
But this model is detrimental to marriage. If you want to keep your family together, work on your existing relationship, be honest about what you want. Believe me, even if you are ashamed to confess something to your partner, this is nonsense compared to the feeling of guilt that will cover you when a loved one finds out that you have fulfilled these desires with someone else.
The couple is not developing. Our goals and needs change throughout life, this is normal.
For example, a young woman is focused on creating a family, having children, and therefore is looking for a husband who is reliable and also inclined towards a serious relationship. And later, when the children grew up and there was time to think about herself, it became much more important for her to have a person with whom she was easy and fun, with whom she could be herself. If the husband cannot meet these needs, she begins to look around, in search of someone who meets her needs.
Yes, no matter how bitter it may be, sometimes having gone a long way together and loving each other in a kindred way, we suddenly realize that our partner has become like a stranger, that we have completely different life goals.
In that case, you really better start a new relationship. Because forcibly pulling someone along if they are not ready for change is hard and thankless work. If you do not want to complain at the end of your years that because of your spouse you did not do (s) … – and then there is a whole list of important things and unfulfilled desires, – it is better to part amicably now.
How to get out of this situation?
You have to make a choice. The sooner the better.
Alas, it is impossible to be with two people so that everyone is happy and contented. Why? There are two very good reasons:
1. Man is a social being, his sense of self is highly dependent on his acceptance by society. And society simply cannot approve of such a relationship.
Historically, it so happened that humanity is kept on strong family alliances, and not on chaotic ties. To raise children, we need at least twenty years of joint efforts. Everything is together here: finances, upbringing, and stability necessary for a child. It is scary to imagine a world where people have completely abandoned family values and either do not have children at all, or have them from different temporary partners in a fit of passion. And who in the end bears moral and material responsibility for the child is completely unclear.
2. Besides, no one will agree to share a loved one with another for a long time. This is contrary to human nature.
I have no right to advise something. The psychologist only helps to identify what a person really wants.
But I can say with confidence: building a strong close relationship with a partner, creating a real family is a long-term work. Having chosen a new partner, you have to do this path again.
Start from your situation, but do not shift responsibility to anyone. The choice is only yours.
psychologist, leading practice and trainings