You have finally found your prince. Gentle, intelligent, generous, attentive. But something is bothering you.
Does he always get his way, contrary to your interests? Controlling your every move? Perhaps even using you to achieve their own goals? And at the same time you are insanely afraid of losing it?
It s time to sound the alarm – in such a relationship you risk losing much more: loved ones, an interesting job, and your loved one! Most likely, you have fallen into the hands of a manipulator!
How to recognize a manipulator
It is a pity that men of this type do not wear the “I am a manipulator!†Badge on their chests. And you’re unlikely to understand on the first date that you are not an object of love, but a means to an end. That is why I want to talk about the main types of male manipulation.
Sweet flattery
Flattery in the manipulator s arsenal is the strongest weapon. Pay attention to what your virtues he praises – rightly, love for him and willingness to sacrifice himself. Remembering how we defended ourselves against sweet-voiced sirens, just “plug your earsâ€!
“Poor Bunny”
Thank God he met you! You are the only normal woman in the string of nightmarish shrews and bitches he was with before. It was just used, and no one ever regretted it … Stop! Have you already taken out a handkerchief to wipe away your loved one s tears?
Are you sure that feeling sorry for an adult, healthy man is normal? Yes, and he doesn t need your pity either, it s just a great way to take, take and take various benefits, without giving anything in return, because what can you take from such a poor fellow!
“And why do you love me?”
“Oh, I am not worthy of you! You are the queen, I am nobody! Well, tell me, how can you love such a person? ” And the woman convinces her beloved for a long time how wonderful, intelligent, caring he really is. The point of manipulation is to relieve herself of responsibility for the relationship, because the woman herself chose such a man and more than once confirmed her consent to be with him, although he warned her …
The first guy in the village
Over there, outside the door, there is a huge line of worthy girls who dream of being with him. But he chose you!
And you go out of your way to match his high status. And at the same time, they must be condescending to his weaknesses, understand emotional impulses, support and encourage – but how? After all, otherwise your place will quickly be taken by another – less proud and demanding.
Total control
At the beginning of a relationship, he shows touching attention to all aspects of your life. He knows which dress will suit you best, which hairstyle will accentuate your face contour, which flowers will like your mother … While it looks like tender care and keen interest in you.
But over time, he will take literally everything into his own hands. You met with a classmate and did not tell him – a scandal. You bought a new blouse without his approval – how so? If you want to go to courses, he is against it.
“Become what I want”
This type of manipulator will try to reshape you for itself, because it is so convenient! He will assure that your relationship would be perfect if not for … you. Yes, yes, you have many terrible habits, your lifestyle is far from perfect, work could be more promising, your hobby is stupid, and so on … And you humbly change in the hope that he will love and appreciate you more …
Disappearances
He runs away all the time. Often without even warning you. And he, of course, always has a good reason: to think about his feelings for you, to reflect on your relationship, to understand yourself … And you wait, get nervous and more and more confident that you are terribly bad without him.
Best defense is attack
In response to your requests and complaints, he rebukes you. After all, everything is in order with him, you are too demanding: you constantly ask for flowers and gifts, you want to dine in a restaurant … And your mental abilities and moral principles are also not perfect.
And now you already feel guilty. You are constantly in tension and terribly afraid to do something wrong again and not please your loved one. And he will continue to preach, because it s easier than spending money on a bouquet or dinner at a restaurant …
Roller coaster relationships
Today he is gentle and helpful, and tomorrow he is impossible to rude. That dies of love, and suddenly – for no reason disappears for a week. It is impossible to predict anything with him. Just a man of mystery. You try to find a reasonable explanation for all his oddities and … you start to blame yourself.
So the manipulator cultivates in you the dependence on his person, similar to the drug one. And now your whole life is subordinated to his opinion and mood.
What if your man is a manipulator?
To begin with, let s admit a simple thing – you can t remake an adult. This is an axiom! Therefore, if a relationship with a manipulator is dear to you, you will have to come to terms and love your man for who he is, doing your own development.
There are, of course, many psychological tricks codenamed “manipulate the manipulator”, but seriously think – do you need it? If not, get out of this relationship and move on.
Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of family constellations and
child-parent relationship