Affection under the mask of love

Affection manifests itself in a similar way in any relationship – be it love, friendship, companionship, or family ties. More often than not, it is attachment that we call such exalted words as love and friendship. Throughout this article, wherever I use these sublime words, you can mentally substitute “affection” for love and friendship.

Love Consumer affection – this is when one person genuinely loves to use another person. Yes, in much the same way we use things. The consumer simply takes what he needs from the relationship, and then does something else, because there is no need to use the “thing” all the time. And where the consumer is expected to be stable, problems begin. If a person “loves” you with such “love”, there can be no stability in these relations, because the consumer cannot constantly consume the same “dish”. It is easy to guess that the role of a product in a relationship with a consumer usually causes misunderstanding and indignation in a person. Such relationships can be fine if they are mutual between partners, as, for example, in the relationship of lovers who, apart from sex, have nothing to do with them.

Owner affection differs from consumer attachment in that here “stability” appears in the relationship. Unlike the consumer, the owner wants to use “his thing” all the time, and for this he is even ready to marry her, so that on the rights owner spouse to use you daily! As we know, the owner is able to take care of his thing so that it “preserves its appearance” and remains usable. And if the “thing” resists and is indignant, the owner is able to feel jealousy as a threat to lose his “thing”. If the “thing” was especially dear, the owner, when it is lost, begins to feel sad and yearning. On progressman.ru a separate article is devoted to the lovers’ sense of ownership.

attachmentAffection of the “child” – it is always affection for the protector and patron, on whom you can blame the responsibility for your life. That is, in fact, this is a substitution of parents by a spouse, or, for example, by an older friend. Such attachment appears when a person is not used to showing independence, for example, due to overprotection of parents. A child’s attachment is often complemented by devotion, a strong desire to fully trust in order to feel even more strongly the protection and patronage of the patron, to completely relieve oneself of all responsibility for oneself, to take root in the comfort zone, and start living “relaxed” like a child. If such attachments are indulged, the person regresses and truly becomes a child in the body of an adult. The threat of losing a patron for the “child” is felt as anxiety and fear of being deprived of protection. Experiencing such fear, a grown-up child is inclined to appeal to the pity and guilt of his patron, so that he repent and regain his attention and care.

Patron affection – this is, accordingly, the attachment of the “parent” who shows patronage and care. This is not unconditional love, but rather the satisfaction of parental instinct and pride. The most harmonious relationship with the patron is with the “child” – that is, with a person who is looking for protection and care in a relationship. If this is a relationship between spouses, they may have problems in sex, coming from the unconscious, because intimacy in such a relationship can be perceived as “depraved” incest. If the “child” outgrows this kind of attachment, he is eager for freedom, for a more mature relationship.

Player affection manifests itself in an entertaining relationship, when partners have common interests that bring joy. Most often, this kind of attachment manifests itself in friendships. If one of the partners loses interest in the “game”, the relationship may end. In an intimate sense, this type of attachment is most often characteristic of adolescents. Life (life together) destroys such a relationship for obvious reasons.

Partner “affection” is considered a type of mature relationship that combines several types of attachment and frequent role reversals, which were mentioned above. At the beginning of the relationship, while the partners “rub in” they often have both a deep mutual understanding and its opposite, when the current roles do not correspond to the partner’s expectations. The mature partner does not allow himself to be exclusively a child, patron, or consumer. In such a relationship, all roles are played in moderation and in accordance with the situation. Partners are able to please each other, both with childishness and with serious care. Lapping and quarrels are almost inevitable, but over time they only strengthen the relationship when mature partners meet each other halfway and honestly reveal their own delusions – inappropriate, irrational demands. An infantile person suppresses his delusions, looks for the guilty, and a mature person is interested in the truth, and honestly tries to work with his delusions. A strong, reliable and harmonious connection can grow on the basis of just such – mature “partnership” relations.

Attachment, as such, arises from our “innate” inferiority. We simply do not know ourselves, we are incomplete, incomplete, and therefore we supplement ourselves with our own reflection from external reality in the person of a friend or partner. All this is a simplified view of “things.” The real details are in practice only.

© Igor Satorin

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