Self-affirmation in sex

Sex – that sweet carrot for which most of society lives. Before starting the article, I want to warn you. If you enjoy sex, if sex is one of your primary methods for experiencing happiness and life satisfaction, then don’t read this article! The purpose of this article is to expose sex, to bring lust and lust to clean water. Of course, everything that is said here is just one of the possible views and it is most suitable for those who think about their own self-development and prefer to call a spade a spade.

Sex (sexuality) includes two main aspects: energy and self-importance (PSV).

Sexuality as energy

Excitement and desire have sex – it is simply energy that accumulates in the area of ​​the sexual energy center. Sexual arousal is irritation that occurs due to excess energy. Considering only this energetic aspect, all you really want is not a woman or a man, in fact we want to eliminate the irritant and enjoy the energy burned during sexual orgasm. And here it is not so important that a person does it alone, or with a partner. The need to have a partner comes mainly from the second aspect – a sense of self-importance.

The desire to have sex with a woman or a man is our way to indulge our pride and assert ourselves. The sense of self-importance prompts us to experience the feeling of ownership, jealousy, affection and complacency, which in the aggregate in our society is so often called the word “love”. If you remove jealousy and a sense of ownership, in most cases there will be no trace of “love”.

Why a sense of self-importance?

Remember your favorite childhood toys? Remember how you asked your parents to buy a new doll, or a new car? And when the “toy” is so alive … so universal and beautiful that everyone wants to have the same, or at least similar? Then the sense of self-importance from the possession of such a toy grows by leaps and bounds! I would like to feel that you possess her, that she is truly yours (this “toy”). The peak of this “possession” is sex!

Everything related to the various secretions of the body is quite delicate, intimate and very ambivalent: either disgusting, or – quite the opposite. And when you understand that your adult toy is not disgusting, but on the contrary – your discharge is pleasant, it tremendously feeds your pride! Animals have no pride, so they mate as needed, and not out of idleness, or for the pleasure of the ego during sex. On this topic, has a number of articles under the tag “vanity”.

We can say that there is sex, and there is sexuality – and these are two different things. Sex is motivated by that very natural need. Sexuality is social. It’s a bit of pride in being in contact with an attractive partner. For the masturbator, the role of an attractive partner is replaced by porn films or their own fantasies. At the same time, a natural need can be so confused with a social one that a person already hardly realizes whether he really wants sex on a bodily level, or is it just from the mind – a desire to have a good time. Including from here – problems with potency.

“Safe” sex

For personal development, it is unproductive to abuse sexual energy and have sex or masturbation out of boredom, especially watching porn to get aroused and have a “nice time.” Do not get too carried away with the joy of your pride when in contact with a sexy partner. Self-confidence and adequate self-esteem are built only on self-confidence and on real actions that lead to real changes.

But if you really want to, then suppress yourself in sex is not worth it. Complete abstinence is a monastic path that does not suit the layman. But sometimes, at least for the sake of interest, you can trace your feelings, how they arise, and how they fade away. Through contemplation, you can try to “lift” the excitement through the coccyx area up along the spine. When the sex center opens up, sex no longer gives such pleasure and the need for it decreases. There are many literatures on this topic in esoteric shops about various Taoist and Tantric practices.

Sex abuse leads to a large expenditure of vital energy, causes weakness, drowsiness, laziness, lethargy, dullness and apathy.

As for the various tantric techniques. I have nothing against them, but in my subjective opinion among domestic esotericists, tantra is, for the most part, an excuse, a “spiritual” reason and just a fashionable name for everyday sex.

Once again I want to emphasize – all this is just one of the possible views on what is happening.

© Igor Satorin

The theme of self-affirmation in sex (and not only in it) is voiced in more detail in the novel “The Mechanical God”. You can download the book here.

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Active and passive men in relationships

There are specific traits of an attractive male that some active males successfully imitate, thus demonstrating their relevance. Even if a man is not handsome or rich, he can be sexually attractive if he feels how these signs work. To do this, a man must demonstrate to a woman his active “beginning”, prove to her that he is an alpha male, while allowing the woman to remain passive. And for this a man does not need mountains of “gold”, but needs external confidence and activity, which he positions the woman.

Even when not the cutest guy acts confidently, gives flowers, sweets, invites to the cinema, a woman feels like a woman. She senses the active masculine yang doing cognitive massage to her feminine yin. The woman remains passive, she is sought, influenced, possessed.

As the Russian sociologist I. Kon said: “A man is a violinist, and a woman is a violin, from which he, thanks to his talent and skill, with the help of his bow, extracts enchanting sounds“. This is what makes a woman feminine. A woman is turned on by an active, confident man, because next to him, she can afford to remain weak and passive. At this time, she feels protected and can open up to what is happening with confidence.

And how sometimes “passivity” does not suit a man in the eyes of a woman! Here, the polarity of passivity and activity is simplified as the ability to defend and the need for protection: you are either a defender, or you are looking for a place behind the defender’s shield.

“Legs” of this phenomenon grow from early childhood. The child feels protected, “like a stone wall” next to his parents. Adults take care of the child, take responsibility for his actions, help out, help in everything and teach life. It is not easy for young people to grow up and part with this “protection”. Therefore, such concern for the mentally youthful easily turns into what psychologists call overprotection. a kind of concern that becomes one big “disservice” for a growing person an eternal crutch on an independent path through life.

Being under guardianship, a person is relieved of the burden of responsibility for his actions, he does not have the need to grow up, and then the temptation is great to remain an infantile, weak and passive person who is not ready to meet and overcome life’s difficulties. A separate article is devoted to the topic of responsibility on

Many young people carry over the need for “parents” into adulthood. Then the man, for example, is inclined to look for the “analogue” of the mother in the person of his wife. And the wife can perceive the husband as a caring father, especially when they have a noticeable age difference. To some extent, the bosses at work, an older friend, a brother – any person on whom it turns out to be dumped with care and responsibility for their lives, becomes a substitute for parents for the wards.

Some couples are quite satisfied with this situation when a man – under the heel behind the shield of a woman. Introverts are especially prone to passivity. It is psychologically easier for them to remain in the shadows and humbly accept circumstances than to take the initiative into their own hands. This is not a rule, but a pattern.

extraversion introversionHere I want to make an important reservation. It may seem that extraversion is a sign of a strong and courageous person who, overcoming fear, has learned to act. In fact, the real challenge for an extrovert is a solitary immersion in his inner world, from which he diligently hides in events, meetings, companies and other vanity. An extrovert fears loneliness as much as an introvert fears active public participation in public events. The extrovert is forgotten in the movement of physical reality, so as not to feel their fears.

A “refined” extrovert may appear active and courageous, but at the same time remain very superficial in his feelings. This is how a strong man feels like a schoolboy when it comes to his feelings.

An introvert can appear deep, thoughtful, and choosy when it comes to intuition, creativity, relationships, and expressing feelings. But he often has difficulties in terms of “real” actions. For example, asking a girl out on a date for a passive introvert can turn out to be a whole event filled with vivid experiences, fears and expectations. An extrovert also knows how to worry. But for him, experiences are practically inseparable from actions.

Roughly speaking, introverts sometimes bother too much – they complicate events with their experiences, spin thoughts and emotions around simple actions to the extreme. Extroverts, on the other hand, are too easy on certain events, acting like an elephant in a china shop where sensitivity and legibility are required.

At the same time, not every man who is passive in a relationship is necessarily an introvert. Extroverts feel more confident in the field of action as such, but they may be shy and afraid of new steps in narrow, concrete, emotionally charged areas where fear of rejection is triggered. Likewise, not every active man in a relationship is necessarily an extrovert. Introverts are able to act confidently when they know exactly what they want.

In general, we can say that extroverts are active at the event level and remain constrained and timid in the sphere of their own inner world. Introverts, on the other hand, know themselves much better, but are poorly oriented in the external environment. To grow mentally, it is important to be able to take responsibility and take at least small conscious steps outside your comfort zone. Extroverts – in their inner world, introverts – in the outside.

© Igor Satorin

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Falling in love and subconsciousness

Falling in love is an intense, emotional experience that the lover “blindly” projects onto the object of his feelings. Falling in love is an illusion, because a lover does not love a real person, but his image in his mind. Falling in love is a projection of one of the “mechanisms” of consciousness onto the outside world. What is this mechanism? Recently in an article on exposure, I briefly touched on this topic. Here I will try to describe the essence of what is in love in more detail.

Unconscious falling in love

I’ll start a little from afar. Our unconscious is a collection of various mental processes that we are not aware of. All these processes are the cause and basis of what we think and feel in everyday life. Unconscious processes can be conditionally divided into levels that are associated with our past and future stages of development. “Low-level” processes of the subconscious – contain “information” from our past. These are stages of development that, relatively speaking, go back to our childhood and further to the animal principle. “High-level” processes of the unconscious are our potential, a refined part of our psyche, which is still destined to manifest itself if we do not stop in our development. Until then, these processes manifest themselves indirectly, in brief fragments, from time to time, sometimes as the most beautiful, refined and light experiences, a kind of psychic diamonds that a person passionately desires to master. And since the nature of these “diamonds” is unknown to us, we mistakenly begin to associate their manifestation with another person, in whose society these “jewels” of our unconscious were manifested. This is how falling in love arises. We simply project the lightest parts of our psyche onto a person, in whose society they emerge from our unconscious.

The beloved is the “key” to the door of the storehouse of the subconscious, behind which our psychic “diamonds” are kept. The image of a loved one – one of these diamonds – is a harmonious facet of our insides, which is suppressed under layers of experiences deep in the subconscious. The beloved is the lover himself, in that hypostasis of his that he is not yet able to accept in himself. Why can’t we be ourselves without any illusory projections? Our unconscious is immeasurably larger than the everyday conscious part of the psyche. High-level processes of the unconscious “contain” both “light” and ordered experiences, and experiences that a person is not yet ready to accept and “digest”. Some of these experiences can manifest themselves as melancholy, sadness, heartache, “emptiness”, sadness, anxiety, etc. You can define them as “blocks” on the path to psychic diamonds. In this sense, a person often, no matter how strange it may sound, is not able to be himself, and therefore projects his mental processes onto the outside world. The psychic diamond of the subconscious is embodied in the image of a loved one. The mental pain caused by “passing” through the “blocks” of the subconscious is attributed to separation from the object of love. I will probably return to the subconscious with its “levels” in some other article, but for now we will continue about our enamored “elephants”.

The illusion of being in love

loveNear the object of his love, a person begins to accept himself at a deep level, and therefore falls into dependence on his beloved. Man has felt the “taste” and beauty of the psychic diamond and now he longs to master it. This diamond is like a psychic magnet that attracts consciousness, makes it break through the thickets of the subconscious and experience all the darkness that stands in the way. Falling in love is an illusion of love that turns into a painful addiction, a sense of ownership and jealousy. Sometimes, if you remove all these experiences, nothing remains of love. Falling in love is an illusion also because the image of a loved one, unlike other images in the head, as a rule, is fundamentally different from a real person (the “object” of falling in love, onto which this image is projected).

Amorousness suggests that a person has a connection with his “superconscious”, but this connection is so mediated that a person is not able to accept the psychic “diamond” as a facet of his own psyche. The craving for this diamond can be passionate, a blind desire to “master” is manifested at all levels: spiritual, emotional and bodily. As much as a person wants to take possession of his psychic diamond, so much he wants to own a loved one as an “object” of his illusory projection. A beloved is just a “tool”, a way to reflect what is happening in the lover’s own mind. In fact, without realizing it, the lover longs for unity with himself, tk. this is what is the greatest bliss. And he is in love with himself, because only he himself is the one in whom true unity can occur.

False gurus sometimes exploit the above described psychic “mechanism” of falling in love. They deliberately build an image that fascinates people, awakening “divine” experiences in them. And the sectarians project these experiences onto the image of the teacher. False teachers ascribe to their “false influence” all the high experiences of their followers. And the mental pain on the way to high experiences they (this time quite rightly) write off on working off their own “karma” of the students. It turns out that if a disciple is good, it is “the merit of the guru,” and if it is bad, it is the merit of the disciple. The main thing is not to confuse. On this topic, has a separate article about false teachers. Similar processes often manifest themselves in friendship and in relationships in general, when we are drawn to a person by something from the depths of our own consciousness. We project our pain and our joy onto the outside world.

Falling in love is a big illusion, which is why it is called “intoxicating”, or even “intoxicating.” Sometimes this illusion lasts for years, especially if there is no way to get to know the object better. my illusion love. Therefore, often (but not always) close communication, everyday life and life together destroy falling in love, because in this way the lover better recognizes the object of his “love”, and begins to notice the difference between the “fictitious image” of his projection and a real person. This “difference” is the cause of most of the frustrations in relationships with people in general. For this reason, people who “enjoy” falling in love can unconsciously keep themselves at a distance from the object of their feelings, so as not to be disappointed longer. Sometimes this translates into falling in love with a distant idol, with whom there is no way to communicate in life. But even communication in real life does not help with especially severe cases of “stupefaction”, and the lover, against the background of his feelings, simply does not notice the shortcomings of the object onto which these feelings are projected.

loveWith close communication with a loved one, falling in love does not go away immediately even in such rare cases when the object of “falling in love” is really in something, or even in many respects “coincides” with the image with which the person is in love. That is, it is a paradoxical case when a loved one really has the qualities for which he is loved. Or, in other words, the level of energy with which the projection of a lover resonates is really actively manifested in him. In this vein, a person is loved for the quality that is manifested in him, but in himself is still suppressed in the unconscious. In this respect, falling in love is a powerful catalyst for personality development. But more often than not, such realism of projections is manifested not in ardent love, but in balanced love, about which I intend to write a separate article in the near future. Falling in love can either when the lover himself reaches this “level of energy” and gains his psychic diamond, or when this psychic energy suppressed in the subconscious is exhausted and stops pressing painful desire on karma the stresses of the subconscious, which block this refined psychic energy. In the latter case, emptiness comes to the place of “falling in love”, because today the yesterday’s lover has nothing to resonate with the energy of the object of his yesterday’s “love”.

Approaching the object of love gives pleasure, distance – suffering. And in suffering, the soul, as you know, develops. This suffering is the block of stress through which a person gradually breaks through to his psychic diamond at the depths of his soul. Falling in love is one of the mechanisms of personality development. True approach to the inner diamond without any passing projections gives a feeling of self-sufficient satisfaction, as if you are successfully moving up the career ladder of the soul. This is a difficult and often long road to wisdom that patiently waits for its time in the depths of our gut.

© Igor Satorin

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A tale of love

Once a young but very brave person decided to find out What is love, and went, as usual, to the sorceress who lived on a green hill behind a cloud. The sorceress heard the girl’s request and laughed:

– Why did you come to me, dear? For this, they usually go to the princes, of whom a great multitude is now divorced: they will show and teach everything.

– I already went to the princes, – the girl answered sadly, – and now I want to make sure if I understand correctly what love is.

– Well, well, – the sorceress answered with understanding, – let’s try to figure it out!

– Perhaps, – the girl suggested, – love is when I feel like I am irresistibly drawn to the prince, as if no one would ever be better than him?

“This is falling in love,” the sorceress replied with a warm smile.

“Perhaps,” the girl continued, “love is when I feel a longing desire to be in the arms of a prince?

“This is lust,” replied the sorceress, winking cheerfully.

– Then maybe love is when I miss him?

– This is affection, the sorceress answered, closed her eyes, and seemed to be thinking about something.

– Then how is love different from falling in love? – asked the girl.

– Falling in love, dear, is a craving for a prince who lives exclusively in your imagination. And in love, the image of a loved one is real, – answered the sorceress.

– What do you mean “the image is real”? – The girl was puzzled.

– Loving, you love the “real” prince with all his flaws! – Said the sorceress, – Therefore, love is possible only when you managed to get to know the prince: all his habits, quirks, advantages and disadvantages. We love when understanding and accepting a real person!

– What is the difference between passion and love?

– Love is calm and “uniform”.

– And what? Does love exclude falling in love, lust and affection?

– Well, – smiled the sorceress, – sometimes everything happens at once, that’s why it is so difficult to distinguish love among all these “persistence”.

“I think I’m confused,” the girl answered sadly.

At this time, a young student of hers was passing by the hill of the sorceress.

– In time! – exclaimed the sorceress, looking at her student. – Now he will tell us everything and clearly show!

– Show me? – asked the girl embarrassedly.

The sorceress called her apprentice – a young sorcerer, whispered something in his ear, and left. The student calmly approached the girl and began to say:

about loveLove is acceptance and understanding! – said the young sorcerer, rolling his eyes to the sky. – This is a pure, refined experience of deep kinship. – He said, blushing a little, – Without any alchemical admixtures, love is absolutely identical both in relations with princes and in friendship with friends! Romantic love is made from an admixture of affection, lust and falling in love, adding a thrill of love! – the student of the sorceress chattered, as in a lecture, without even looking at the surprised girl. – Friendship can be accompanied by affection, but an alchemical admixture of lust spoils the entire composition of the components and the friendship ends. Love manifests itself when we are able to go to the inner territory of a person, while not being afraid of the images that we see there.

– Wait, wait! – interrupted the girl of the young sorcerer. – What other interior territory? What are you talking about?

– I will show you now!

The world before the girl’s eyes turned pale, and disappeared into a gray fog, from which the outline of a huge castle gradually began to emerge. Now there was a sorceress next to her.

– Where are we? The girl asked.

“We are in the inner territory of my apprentice,” the sorceress replied.

– What does it mean?

– Well, this means that now I will show you with a live example, What is love

– So right away? And what is this castle?

– Do not be afraid! This is my student’s museum of internal artifacts. In a sense – he himself is!

Approaching the museum, the girl saw that its walls were encircled by showcases, behind which one could see a myriad of graceful images, each of which depicted a student of the sorceress in a specious light.

– On these showcases, my student – the owner of the museum – posted an advertisement for exhibits that are supposedly kept in the museum. Usually the best and the most beautiful are advertised on the shop window. And the fact that in some rooms of the museum all sorts of “horror stories” await us, is usually not indicated in the windows. And as for the “room of fear”, so no one knows at all. Even the owner himself is afraid to go there, – said the sorceress in a conspiratorial whisper, – but I can take you there if you wish!

– No, I don’t want to! You wanted to show me love?

– Let’s go, – and the sorceress took the girl inside the museum.

In the first surface room there were already various simple exhibits and paintings, but a strange thing: in this room, too, most of the area was occupied by dusty columns of shop windows and piles of advertising brochures, depicting the student of the sorceress in different images.

“This is an advertisement for other premises of the museum,” the sorceress explained, “at the same time, in each avenue, they make it clear to us that no one will let us into these premises just like that. Here we must have a thick bundle of local currency with us, or a good credit of trust. And if we have this loan …

– What then? – asked the girl?

– Then we move on! – and the sorceress took the girl to the next exhibition hall of the museum, where there were many paintings, about which for some reason nothing was said either in the windows or in the advertising brochures. Some pictures frightened the girl, others surprised and fascinated. The pictures, as the sorceress explained, depicted different situations from the imagination and the “real” past of her student.

“We must be very careful,” the sorceress said quietly, “so as not to touch any fragile object of this psychic space with an awkward movement or careless phrase.

Somewhere, in the corner of the large hall, the girl saw a wounded animal. He sat quietly in a huge cage with a Shadow sign.

– Once this beast was a real monster – a terrible fire-breathing dragon of love of power, – explained the sorceress. – He guarded this hall, and from time to time he burst out of the room to the surface, smashed all the windows, tore up advertising brochures, nibbled visitors to the museum, surprising everyone with his fury and cunning. Not only did the beast zealously hold the territory of my student’s personal space, so at times he allowed himself to take charge on the surface of his consciousness: on the walls of the museum, you can still see the traces of his claws. – The sorceress threw up her hands. “But over the years, my student realized that there was nowhere else to be afraid, and began to enter this room, and fight the monster for the territory of his own consciousness. This went on for a long time. The struggle led nowhere. She only trained the beast: she made him even stronger and more terrible. After the next battle, the beast calmed down, but then it escaped, and in a frenzy, more than ever, it destroyed everything in its path. And then my student – the owner of the museum decided to try to act differently. Leaving the blade, he took food with him, and tried to tame the beast. Over time, he succeeded. Sometimes the owner took the animal to the surface to walk under supervision on a leash, scaring away everyone who was near. When the beast became obedient, my student was able not only to walk freely around this room, but also to let others into it, as now.

At this time, the young sorcerer appeared, as if out of nowhere. He stood at the cage with the beast, stroking its huge furry face.

– Do not be afraid! He will not touch you, – and the sorceress’s apprentice called the girl closer.

– Here is my dark companion. – He spoke, pointing to the beast. “Look how big his fangs are. The blood was already dry on them: he had not gone hunting for a long time. Now – he is not as bloodthirsty as in the past, and behind his back are still very small, but now golden wings. We found a common language with him, and he understands that he cannot survive without me. He also feels how he is gradually transforming under my careful supervision. Someday he will become a magical beast of just strength and courage, and then he will be able to walk on the surface without any supervision. That is why I did not begin to kill him, tearing out of myself his essence with pieces of my own flesh.

The girl examined the space and stopped her gaze on the passage to the next room, from which a radiant light was streaming.

“I keep the crystal spheres in that room,” the apprentice said. – They are fragile, so I’m not letting anyone in there yet. They are amazingly beautiful: sound and light pass through them, generating harmonious music of the spheres and rainbow clouds of bliss. In these spheres, the essence of love as acceptance is already beginning to be reflected. And in this acceptance, I begin to dissolve. At first I could not even step into this room because it is guarded by a strict guardian of conscience. They are in harmony with the beast, and sometimes it seems to me that they are “one”. Everything I did in the previous rooms of the museum left a residue in me. And at the very entrance to the room, the guardian of conscience began to burn out this residue with a terrible fire of shame and guilt. It was unbearable. But these spheres are so beautiful that I endured. Once, when I had just started to take careful steps in this room, I decided to show it to one of my friends – a young sorceress. The guard was harsh on her, and she fled desperately, shattering one of my rainbow spheres. And that is why I do not let in those who have their own “sediment” of the way yet, because their shame almost immediately gives way to irritation, which is controlled by their beast from the previous room.

“Is there a way out of the Orb Room too?” – the girl asked curiously.

“Yes, this is the last door of the space of individuality,” replied the young sorcerer.

– And what is behind it? – asked the girl.

– Behind it, that is, beyond the limits of individuality, there is a paradoxical “room” into which the last doors of all beings in the world lead.

– What is there? What’s in this room?

– The psychic diamond of our soul.

– To understand and accept another, – the sorceress spoke, – we must learn to understand and accept ourselves. Otherwise, we will tend to fall in love, but not love, otherwise in a relationship we will remain like children, at the level of passionate, sometimes beautiful melodramas, but we will never open up to real closeness at a deep level. Love arises where two go to meet, and open doors for each other, leading towards the very core of their being – to the transcendental diamond of the soul. The more a person opens up, the further we go through his inner territory, the thinner the line, the more sensitive we must be able to behave so as not to destroy anything and not betray trust. Love is the way of recognizing oneself in another and the other in oneself. Love is the acceptance of life for oneself and for oneself, in a single indivisible “room” behind the last door of our individual space of consciousness.

– Thank you, – the girl answered, – now I understand.

© Igor Satorin

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Affection under the mask of love

Affection manifests itself in a similar way in any relationship – be it love, friendship, companionship, or family ties. More often than not, it is attachment that we call such exalted words as love and friendship. Throughout this article, wherever I use these sublime words, you can mentally substitute “affection” for love and friendship.

Love Consumer affection – this is when one person genuinely loves to use another person. Yes, in much the same way we use things. The consumer simply takes what he needs from the relationship, and then does something else, because there is no need to use the “thing” all the time. And where the consumer is expected to be stable, problems begin. If a person “loves” you with such “love”, there can be no stability in these relations, because the consumer cannot constantly consume the same “dish”. It is easy to guess that the role of a product in a relationship with a consumer usually causes misunderstanding and indignation in a person. Such relationships can be fine if they are mutual between partners, as, for example, in the relationship of lovers who, apart from sex, have nothing to do with them.

Owner affection differs from consumer attachment in that here “stability” appears in the relationship. Unlike the consumer, the owner wants to use “his thing” all the time, and for this he is even ready to marry her, so that on the rights owner spouse to use you daily! As we know, the owner is able to take care of his thing so that it “preserves its appearance” and remains usable. And if the “thing” resists and is indignant, the owner is able to feel jealousy as a threat to lose his “thing”. If the “thing” was especially dear, the owner, when it is lost, begins to feel sad and yearning. On a separate article is devoted to the lovers’ sense of ownership.

attachmentAffection of the “child” – it is always affection for the protector and patron, on whom you can blame the responsibility for your life. That is, in fact, this is a substitution of parents by a spouse, or, for example, by an older friend. Such attachment appears when a person is not used to showing independence, for example, due to overprotection of parents. A child’s attachment is often complemented by devotion, a strong desire to fully trust in order to feel even more strongly the protection and patronage of the patron, to completely relieve oneself of all responsibility for oneself, to take root in the comfort zone, and start living “relaxed” like a child. If such attachments are indulged, the person regresses and truly becomes a child in the body of an adult. The threat of losing a patron for the “child” is felt as anxiety and fear of being deprived of protection. Experiencing such fear, a grown-up child is inclined to appeal to the pity and guilt of his patron, so that he repent and regain his attention and care.

Patron affection – this is, accordingly, the attachment of the “parent” who shows patronage and care. This is not unconditional love, but rather the satisfaction of parental instinct and pride. The most harmonious relationship with the patron is with the “child” – that is, with a person who is looking for protection and care in a relationship. If this is a relationship between spouses, they may have problems in sex, coming from the unconscious, because intimacy in such a relationship can be perceived as “depraved” incest. If the “child” outgrows this kind of attachment, he is eager for freedom, for a more mature relationship.

Player affection manifests itself in an entertaining relationship, when partners have common interests that bring joy. Most often, this kind of attachment manifests itself in friendships. If one of the partners loses interest in the “game”, the relationship may end. In an intimate sense, this type of attachment is most often characteristic of adolescents. Life (life together) destroys such a relationship for obvious reasons.

Partner “affection” is considered a type of mature relationship that combines several types of attachment and frequent role reversals, which were mentioned above. At the beginning of the relationship, while the partners “rub in” they often have both a deep mutual understanding and its opposite, when the current roles do not correspond to the partner’s expectations. The mature partner does not allow himself to be exclusively a child, patron, or consumer. In such a relationship, all roles are played in moderation and in accordance with the situation. Partners are able to please each other, both with childishness and with serious care. Lapping and quarrels are almost inevitable, but over time they only strengthen the relationship when mature partners meet each other halfway and honestly reveal their own delusions – inappropriate, irrational demands. An infantile person suppresses his delusions, looks for the guilty, and a mature person is interested in the truth, and honestly tries to work with his delusions. A strong, reliable and harmonious connection can grow on the basis of just such – mature “partnership” relations.

Attachment, as such, arises from our “innate” inferiority. We simply do not know ourselves, we are incomplete, incomplete, and therefore we supplement ourselves with our own reflection from external reality in the person of a friend or partner. All this is a simplified view of “things.” The real details are in practice only.

© Igor Satorin

More articles on this topic

What is the key to a good relationship

What is the key to good relationships – long, fruitful, harmonious, happy … These qualities can be continued indefinitely, each of us wants a little bit of our own in a relationship, but many want to be happy, feel love, support, care

And what do you think can support us in this?

The answer, like this post itself, may surprise you.

So the key to these very relationships is – The ability to complete them.

How to learn to complete, and how is it to complete correctly? and why do we need to end the relationship anyway? if they are all right!

Let’s clarify a little about completion, why the need for completion is a very important part of this very relationship.

A bit of theory and possibly on generalized examples
To begin with, in a relationship with another person, we like the recognition of this person. We chose him for what he is

We get used to it, it becomes comfortable, what we can rely on, what is predictable
And even spontaneity can be predictable, because we know that surprises can be expected from this person, but we already know this and it becomes an image, a representation of a person, and not the person himself.

Over time, we accumulate these images and ideas, more and more and we stop seeing the person himself, the truth, we do not allow him to change through the prism of our images, we do not allow him to be different, different, multifaceted.

Of course, the very fact of not allowing does not look like a direct edification or non-permission, or instructions on how to live or not to live.

And in this situation it does not matter, it is enough for our knowledge of the person, the idea of ​​him and the inner reinforcing image for this to affect the space of our relations.

And we begin to think that we know this person, although this is only an idea. And it is precisely about these images that I want to talk about, this is what we must learn to complete.

To complete in order to see the truth, a true person, to see the living of this person without color, to see him without thinking out.

Without your own image, just what it is.

Because over time we accumulate too rich images, too rich ideas about a person.
And this can be very different from reality and lead us to illusions, unjustified expectations, something that the other person did not imagine, did not assume and did not broadcast.

Want a relationship to last forever – learn how to end it

There is another very important point in understanding this.

The desire to get stability, to avoid any shocks, behind this very often lie fears – unwillingness to experience the pain that this change can bring, and very often this pain can affect the retention of the old image.
– I am afraid if you change it will hurt me, I will lose security, stability and comfort

The essence of love

I was thinking of making an article that would summarize what I think about love as such in its various silhouettes. Moreover, the article was planned to be practical, without the lyrical digressions inherent in the topic – like material from a good textbook. But love theme a priori is largely abstract, if not transcendental. And it is logically understandable that we can only talk about indirect laws accompanying this topic. In general, they will be discussed today. The article turned out not so much about neurotic attachment that is relevant for the majority, but about why unconditional love becomes such.

Inner Light

I believe that every person has his own path, his own psychic hell and paradise, his own lessons and achievements. All this is already there – in the unconscious layers of the psyche. Therefore, self-development is reduced to self-knowledge. We do not invent something new, but allow what is already there to open up. Here I just want to remind you that our experiences are only our experiences, and not some external events and objects. We just release our way from within. And here it is worthwhile to understand and understand by what principle some people are indifferent to us, while others, on the contrary, cause lively and “juicy” mental reactions.

There was already an article on the site where I called falling in love my own inner beauty of a lover – a kind of inner diamond that he projects onto another person. This psychic diamond is blocked by various fears, but under certain conditions it can quickly awaken and shine, making the attention enthusiastically active, as if something extremely important is happening at this moment. And indeed it is. A very important thing happens – a witness of the life happening to us wakes up inside us, that very psychic “contraption” thanks to which we feel alive. Her awakening is the true goal of all spiritual seekers who squander years in contemplative meditation precisely in order to push their mind out of sleep and activate this silent spectator.

But the man in the street, eternally inclined to self-deception and mental manipulation, mistakenly takes his inner light for the outer one, and begins to believe that it comes from external forms in the presence of which it manifested itself. This is how our favorite things and loved ones appear in our lives.

The light of the psychic diamond is, without exaggeration, the light of life itself within us. This is the “sensation” of being, in which all phenomena occur. On this topic, already has a number of articles under the tag “Atman”.

In everyday life, we can state the manifestation of this light by the level of our spontaneous awareness. The intensity of awareness of life here and now depends on the degree of blocking of the psychic diamond. It already exists in our psyche in an integral form, but it is blocked by those experiences that in everyday life we ​​refuse to accept. Most often these experiences are contradictory and painful. And when the inner light shines brighter, along with it “suppressed material” rises to the surface, through which the brilliance of a diamond breaks through. Therefore, self-knowledge is a difficult path, associated with the inevitable cleansing of consciousness from the dump of internal contradictions.

You may have already guessed what I mean by the essence of love. Unconditional love is pure acceptance, a contemplative consciousness that freely conducts all impressions through itself. The psychic diamond is the “territory” of acceptance deeply “inside” our psychic environment.

Dependency of conditional love

loveAnd love becomes concrete and conditional from the prism of projections, from the prism of those blocks through which it shines. Therefore, love for the homeland is so dreary, for lovers – weary, for the weak – compassionate (the swype of the android suggested “dollar”), and for entertainment – intoxicating. In this sense, omitting ceremonies, falling in love is mental masturbation.

A typical lover is, in fact, such a vulnerable drug addict, always dependent on the conditions in which he has a high inside. He is like a blind donkey, mechanically following a carrot suspended from his head – only instead of a carrot he has a brain, from the compartments of which he by all means fishes out the eternally desired multiple orgasms.

We are all like that – we are engaged in self-satisfaction, we use each other to open specific lockers of our own psyche. We’re all here making love to our own brains. We are all hooked on scenarios in which such a high acceptance happens to us, like the enlightened ones … Therefore, we miss our beloved people and beautiful things. Beauty is the same diamond inside … “The Kingdom of God is within us …”

We yearn for beauty, because beauty prompts us to be the partakers, the accepting of life in the here and now. Beautiful forms in themselves are just lines, impersonal outlines, the magic of which attracts attention and makes it continuous. At the same time, looking at beauty, something inside opens up and stops blocking the flow of sensations. That is why ascetics spend years in contemplation – simply to learn to let reality pass through themselves regardless of conditions, without resistance, without choice and without doubt. Acceptance is the essence of love.

Inaccessible beauty is painful because it is like a desirable dish that a starving poor man is allowed to breathe without being allowed to taste. The lover feels a hint of freedom and bliss, but much more clearly feels the pain of how this bliss is suppressed inside him. That’s how we working off negative karma we are cleared. At the same time, the desired “dishes” and suffering over their inaccessibility are pure projections of one’s own inability to accept oneself at the current moment of life.

The enlightened, as far as I can tell, love unconditionally, that is, always and everywhere. Love is the essence of enlightenment.

And we – the commoners, made dependent on the eternally stubborn pleasant conditions, are very picky when it comes to our affections. To love ourselves, we use other people, we try to rise and assert ourselves in their eyes, so that, thanks to their love for us, we accept ourselves, feel the buzz – be ourselves … Inner Light”. So we find ourselves in a painful dependence on someone else’s opinion.

In The Mechanical God, I deliberately devote several chapters to this topic. Here are some excerpts:

“I touch her breast, and bliss, piercing my palm, spreads throughout the body, simply because at this very moment my hand is the very acceptance. At this moment, I understand better than anyone else in the world why women hide their beautiful charms – because touching the forbidden fruit raises me above all mortals. To make me feel this divine gift – her power over me. I stroke her body, and I understand why such a titanic cascade of contradictory projections is heaped up around love. “

“… if I accept the person with all her shadows exactly as she is, being accepted in such an all-encompassing way, she can finally relax.”

“When you see a beautiful person, you want to believe that inside he does not have flesh and blood, but a concentrate of divine ambrosia. All of this rests on faith. Falling in love is pure projection, illusion and self-deception, which rests on children’s naive fantasies. With the same success, you can get excited at the sight of a washing machine … Attraction to a living person – self-esteem in its purest form … “

The maturity of unconditional love

By and large, all life’s difficulties come down to the fact that we are here and now resisting our position in reality, and strive for something else, for something that will make life pleasant – that is, suitable for acceptance. This is literally exactly what happens. In some part of the body, almost every person has a continuous “walking” suffering, expressed in dull, and sometimes acute discontent with what is happening.

We do not accept our being in this reality that is happening to us right now, and therefore we strive for the so-called “best”, which, with the power of our hope, looms on the closure of the mind with an orgasmic hint of possible happiness.

And love … love in its very essence is not some sacred “pleasure”, but simple resignation with the very moment in which this life is happening right now. And the fact is that even while loving, we continue to resist life. A specific conditioned kind of love demonstrates exactly where and how we do not accept life, blocking the flow of impressions with those nuances that make unconditional love concrete, aimed at sacrifice object of this our affection “Love”.

The manifestation of unconditional love is a certain kind of maturity of consciousness, capable of accepting what is happening without violence, without trying to remake it, changing it for itself. In this life, it is impossible to master everything, therefore, deep resignation with oneself without beautiful illusions – although not easy, but perhaps the only way to satisfaction with what is happening, does not depend on any conditions.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • The idealization of falling in love and the joy of love
  • A tale of love
  • Love and relationships: on the surface and in the depth
  • Relief from suffering

Conflict cannot be negotiated

How often in life it all depends on where we choose to put the comma. All people are different. Everyone has their own interests and views. When two people defend their interests, they have, to put it simply, two ways out of the situation: either to agree, or to enter into a conflict and unleash a miniature “war”.

It can be difficult to come to an agreement, because in practice, finding a solution from which everyone will benefit is obtained in rare successful cases. Therefore, accommodating opponents have to become wiser: to compromise, bend and sacrifice something – you cannot get out of it. And such a balancing of interests is given the more difficult, the stronger the person is confident in his righteousness. Selfishness in such a situation can become a hopeless eyesore. A person who is confident in his righteousness does not comprehend that his opponent can be confident in his own with the same force. The interlocutors selflessly scroll the following ego songs:

My anger is the righteous defense of truth and justice, and the anger of others is a demoniac selfish evil.
I give out smug advice like an all-knowing Guru to show other ignoramuses how tall I am and how low they are with their low-grade experiences.
If a person dares not to meet my expectations, he must pay justly by enduring all the beatings necessary for this procedure, which will pay off my “holy” torments.
I certainly know the truth, and other people’s opinions are just a bulge of their egos.
In a dispute, I expect support from others so that and others confirmed my superiority over my opponent truth and justice have triumphed!
Other people’s ideas and opinions that do not coincide with my deeply advanced and lofty spiritualized worldview are just idiotic illusions.
I prove myself right to protect your greatness the truth.

In other words, a person stubbornly defending his position often does not understand that his opponent is in the same situation. He may believe that he is fighting for justice, while the opponent, on the contrary, is fighting for personal selfish needs. And this state of affairs may metaphorically resemble a picture of two bulls who, having met somewhere on a bridge over an abyss, cannot disperse in any way. And if they cannot agree, the ending of this situation may turn out to be very deplorable: a fight, a duel, a war, and other varieties of infantile idiocy. People sometimes do not understand how fragile physical bodies are. The payback for the dubious high of self-affirmation of pride can be catastrophically disproportionate.

"Justice" per "Justice"

A stubborn person seems to expect that by unleashing a war, he will certainly win, gain the glory of a great and just conqueror-commander, and receive a fashionable order for the defense of universal justice. Everyone will bow to him and honor him, because he furiously heroically defended your selfish opinion great truth! Sometimes, having met such idiot “Hero” on the way, it is more productive to retreat. If you cannot retreat, then the acquisition of wisdom begins when there is an urgent need for intuitive awareness in order to be able to find the right words and agree.

I AM!!!And it is necessary to negotiate, because in fact, blind donkey obstinacy inevitably leads to destruction. After all, life is not a cake that is sweet for everything, but a set of different-sized conditions, sometimes smooth, sometimes angular and rough, bursting into which with unrestrained conviction that we are right, we inevitably stumble upon these very corners and roughnesses. So life polishes us, with detached indifference chopping off our sharpest and most inelegantly protruding thorns – those very blind beliefs where we believed that the universe was wrong, and it should have already agreed with us, to accept the position of our little infantile personality.

This is how we grow up – more and more subtly distinguishing the nuances of the conditions “here and now”, we adapt to them not only morally and socially tested, but also taking into account more subtle psychological, karmic and other circumstances in the lotus position. There are already a number of articles on this topic on under the tag “sensitivity”.

Stubbornness is useful in endeavors, not in relationships. Donkey stubbornness becomes a golden quality when we give up addictions, maintain a healthy lifestyle, work and do not give up what we started halfway, but bring our valiant deeds to the end! And in a relationship, in order to maintain universal harmony, it is necessary not to measure with fangs, but to hear, understand each other and negotiate.

© Igor Satorin

Continuing the theme: “Serious relationship”

Other articles on this topic:

  • Conscious communication in conflict situations
  • Reaction to negativity
  • Power struggle
  • Dispute

Serious relationship

The closeness and stability that results from grinding in, when partners, overcoming a number of joint difficulties, and getting to know each other better, are dealing not with a beautiful mask, but with a real person, gives the relationship “seriousness”. But now it is not so much about how to start a serious relationship, but about how not to go too far with this “sinister” seriousness in them. Quite recently, there was a short article on the site under the heading “Conflict can not be negotiated”, where it was a topical situation for most people, when your and your partner’s interests diverge. As a conclusion of the article and a way out of the situation, possible solutions were proposed: to escape, start a war with a partner, or still go along the most difficult and reasonable path – go to the stage of negotiations and resolve the issue peacefully. But what if the situation seems hopeless? What if the partner does not want to negotiate, but you no longer want to conflict, and do not intend to leave either? This is indeed a difficult situation. And it is not easy because it seems like a dead end and hopelessness, but because it inevitably leads to your growth – and this is almost always a painful process. In order not to be unfounded, I will try to decipher what kind of “growth” I am talking about.

The Energy of Serious Relationships

serious relationshipAlmost all scandals in relationships with loved ones are actually not arranged at all because of material objects. The things we argue about are just an excuse to sort things out. That is, in fact, it is not things that are important to us, but how our partner reacts to us – sensitively, friendly, courteously, seriously, or disregardingly utilitarian and despotic. In relationships, it is not so much the subject of discussion that is important as the form of expressions and the energy of intonations in which this subject is discussed.

The main problem in conflict situations is mechanical reactions. For example, a loved one asked you to clean up your things in a near-order tone. It seems to be nothing special – the usual “little things in life.” And, it would seem, how silly because of them to quarrel and make scandals. But as it was said above, the point is not at all tidied things up. Yes, for the sake of a loved one, you can simply throw them away! And nothing terrible will happen. But you yourself do not notice how you start to get angry. And not because you were asked to clean up, but because in an orderly tone you were actually asked to obey, to become a weak-willed rag about which it is convenient to wipe your feet. I am deliberately exaggerating so that the subtle becomes obvious.

The topic of requests and orders on the site has already been touched upon. Here I want to go further and consider a “hopeless” situation – one where it seems that there are simply no solutions, and hands give up. It can happen in a relationship with any person – not only with a partner, but, for example, in a relationship with a child, colleague, friend, anyone. Circumstances are different, but such a situation is always a painful suspension, when it is no longer possible to stay put in the usual conditions, and making decisions and changing something is even more terrible. To bend is humiliating, and to fight is dangerous. As a result, any consequences for our self-esteem seem devastating.

When you feel that it is inappropriate to develop a conflict, and it is impossible to negotiate, because the person does not listen to you, then it begins working off karma personal growth. In such a situation, you may finally have a serious motive – to pay attention to your own wagons of logs “in the eye” mechanical reactions.

Most likely, when you tried to negotiate with your partner, and explain something about your situation with him, then, as often happens, you were looking for a veiled way to blame all responsibility for a mutual conflict on your partner, and shield yourself as an innocent victim , which is almost always and almost everywhere right. This, you know, is the reckless norm that most people follow.

In other words, when negotiations do not bear fruit and the person does not hear you, perhaps he really is not ready to hear, and you should choose another moment for the conversation. Or maybe your manner of presentation simply does not suit your partner. Remember? Not the words are important, but the presentation … the way you speak, what you put on your gaze – in violent “righteous” anger and the imposition of your “truth”, or a sincere aspiration for peace.

The person next to you is alive. It is as difficult for him to change his views and admit that he is wrong, as it is for you. It is important to remember this. And if, as is usually the case, you are trying to prove that your partner is wrong and you are right, what do you actually expect? That your partner will be surprised at your great wisdom, will immediately understand everything and come to his senses? Probably it happens … in fairy tales. And in life in such a serious relationship, the partner is almost inevitably on the defensive. After all, you, in fact, prove to him that he is wrong in his wrong and should go through the procedure of correcting the “factory defect”.

And change isn’t easy. Living people do not have magic buttons, by clicking on which they change for the better for us. Personal change is always breaking. And of course, “it would be better” if others break, and not we … – it’s easier for us. And the partner, a shameless impudent person, is protected from such encroachments on his personality. Nobody likes this kind of change. Everyone is afraid of them, because change is fraught with the loss of the usual supports. There was also a separate article about this conservatism of the ego on

And after all, no one in this life is obliged to change at our will. The desire to remake another person is our problem, not his. And who will give one hundred percent guarantee that our truth is true, and the truth of our partner is a lie? And how sometimes we naively rejoice when our opinion is supported by someone else, someone else. Then we feel as if we have won the battle, because now it is much further for our partner to continue to insist on his own, when others admit that he is a dissenting “unfaithful” …

Consciousness in Serious Relationships

Indeed, it all comes down to awareness, to our own maturity in our serious relationship. Mechanical reactions often lead to violence because they drive living people into limited patterns. In every informal situation, a sensitive, intuitive approach is important. And there is no unequivocal panacea. However, one interesting practice that I advise my clients to do can help: before you react in any way, try to feel where it will lead. Think about how the person will respond to your reaction, and you will be surprised how well your everyday intuition really is. We always somewhere latently feel others, especially close ones.

By practicing this kind of everyday premonition, you will see that most of the mechanical reactions in living relationships are simply meaningless. And this understanding will open up new dialogue options. You will still feel the urges of mechanical reactions – the very ones that usually led to conflict, but along with them, the voice of rationality will begin to sound.

At first, such practice can lead to a stupor, to the feeling that you no longer understand how to act and what to do, as if you are on a very thin path, and there is an abyss on the sides, and no profitable decisions are being born. And this is a good symptom! It is from here that you can best see how everything really is. Here you can see that the real problem is your own unconsciousness and inability to accept the situation, your own fear of life, hidden from yourself by external discontent.

Again, a partner does not have to match your whims and become your goldfish. Everyone can behave as he wants, and rake the consequences corresponding to their behavior. If you don’t like your partner, do to please. Does not work? Then bear with what you have, or leave. How to make your partner like it? Of course, you can try mental abuse, if your conscience allows, and your partner’s reaction is okay. You can practice humility. You can try to negotiate and find compromises, or even options when both parties benefit. Does not work? Then you can either dump or admit your dependence on your partner, without covering up this weakness with imaginary virtues, and come to terms with it. Otherwise, the same painful suspension remains – passive inaction and empty experiences wrapped around him. Someone should turn this very wheel of samsaric baking until they get bored.

When you have developed a long-term habit of masking your irresponsibility in relationships with external problems, then just such “hopeless” situations demonstrate in the best way that your whole life completely depends on your attitude towards it and your decisions. And the longer you persist, closing your eyes to this truth, the longer the neurotic suspension lasts.

Solutions. Sometimes it’s so difficult to accept them … simply because they have consequences. And these consequences are not some kind of fantasy. The consequences are real and therefore can be seriously intimidating. Life really changes when you make decisions. And therefore, at times, it is easier to hang out and hide in the fantasies of the comfort zone, just not to change, not to lose the support we are used to. But this is the only way we grow – losing support, we take the next step, to the next step, and grow up, and see yesterday’s situation from the outside, with new eyes, and understand what actually happened.

And there is no need to wear a good-looking good-looking mask just to avoid conflicts in our serious relationships with people. By practicing “everyday foreboding,” you understand where your actions can lead and you react sincerely.

Of course, in words everything can be beautiful and smooth, but in life there are thousands of circumstances, which the mind is not able to fully take into account. But once you get the taste of growth, difficult situations really, truly come across as lessons that make you mature. At the same time, somewhere you still continue to hum your favorite songs of the ego, but a conscious particle of the psyche has already turned on, and gradually takes its toll.

Sometimes negotiations really do not make sense and it is appropriate to leave broken relations in the past, or to build them anew, on a more solid foundation. But here it is easy to be deceived, because we are not always able to understand where we leave an exhausted relationship, and where we simply run away from ourselves. No one can guarantee that old mistakes will not be repeated in a new relationship. Breaking ties is much easier than setting up harmoniously. And the joint difficulties overcome by the partners only strengthen their relationship.

It sometimes becomes clear to a conscientious person that there are no right decisions. They all lead to their losses and gains. It just hurts to lose. But life dramas clearly show the prospects for personal growth. The practice of mindfulness gives not so much a feeling of this very awareness, as it allows you to see your own blindness. And the whole choice is to either continue and further indulge in the illusion, or, admitting your ignorance, start moving towards the true light.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Conscious communication in conflict situations
  • Love and relationships
  • Responsibility and irresponsibility
  • The solution to all problems

Your recipes for harmonious relationships in the comments are welcome.

Greed and selfishness in relationships

This article turned out to be more complicated than I thought. Several times he sat down and put it aside. Something inside resisted and raised the topic with a creak, as if not wanting to give up some outdated positions and beliefs about greed and selfishness. Probably, if you ask a layman to describe these phenomena, most likely examples of actions of the type: “selfishness is when …” … As I see it, there is no selfishness or greed. There are only elements that, like pixels on a monitor, create their illusory images. And while we do not distinguish between these constituent particles, the image seems to be complete and real. This metaphor with pixels fits just about any phenomenon. In this article I will try to decompose selfishness and greed into elements.

The fabric of greed and selfishness

At the event level, we consider those people who do not want to share their benefits with us as selfish greedy ones. That is, according to this logic, absolutely any person who refuses to give us their assets – be it money, personal time, or any property – can become a greedy person in our eyes.

And here the right question sounds like this: under what conditions do other people donate their goods to us? When does one person want to give something to another? The answer to this question is as simple as it is unacceptable for the self-esteem of the average person. So, the benefactor donates his goods under such conditions, when he wants to please. That is, if a person wants to look good in our eyes, he will probably be capable of the so-called generosity towards our person.

On the contrary, we consider those people who do not try to please us to be greedy egoists. Why don’t they try? Because the bad ones? We, of course, think so – the most convenient thing. Or maybe because we are bad? This is a double-edged sword. A person does not try to please us when he does not see the reasons for this. We are not saints, and we usually strive to please others when we feel that it is beneficial for us. That is, wanting to look good in someone’s eyes, we somehow expect to get something …

And this is where our long-suffering pride comes into play, on one side of which there is an inferiority complex, and on the other – a sense of self-importance. No wonder they say that pride is the father of all vices.

We feel someone else’s greed when we worry that we are not loved and respected, but only used for our benefits. We crave sincere unconditional love for our own person, which, by and large, only saints and some mothers are capable of in relation to their children. We deceive ourselves into hoping that such love is possible. But in fact, we live in a world of consumer relations, where everyone loves not unconditionally, but for some reason – for specific qualities, traits and properties.

We are all “corrupt creatures”, bribing each other in our relationships, who can do what they can. And when we lack real benefits, we master the art of advertising – positioning illusory images and qualities. We don’t know who we are to earn love and respect with an artificial image. And this is still half the trouble. It would be fine if we did so deliberately. But at some point, we lie so much that we ourselves begin to believe that we really are that very normal good person, whose image we demonstrate to everyone around us. This is how neuroses arise in discord with themselves – psychosomatic ailments that poison our lives.

We become greedy owners when we want to control our relationships with other people. We try to control other people’s feelings when we want to be loved and respected unconditionally – that is, for no reason. Otherwise, we feel false – a humiliating deception, such a disgusting experience, as if a person really does not love us at all, and will throw us out of our existence as soon as we stop sponsoring his presence in our life. But after all, as already mentioned – we are not saints and do not know how to love for nothing!

Even when the so-called “greed” is shown by a stranger whom we have not seen before, we may have a neurotic reaction, because behind someone’s frugality, we find a “disrespectful” attitude towards our person.

In other words, greed and selfishness is a personal fear that we are loved not just like that, but for some reason. Just latently, we feel when they want to make mugs out of us, and as a big and pure love to push through a typical corrupt relationship. And honesty often does not quite suit us either, because we still want to believe in love!

Most of all friendships and friendships also revolve around such mutually beneficial neuroses. And if a person doesn’t want anything from us, our wounded pride can christen him a bastard. But in fact, there is nothing wrong with someone else’s indifference. It’s just that someone seemed uninteresting to someone – maybe the person is tired, he has little time, or he is annoyed by the drawing on our shirt. Everyone has their own preferences. This is fine. But this fact seems all the more humiliating, the more expectations we wind up around the victim of our needs.

The traumatic fact for the layman’s pride in the body of an adult is that no one owes anything to anyone. And if we thought differently, then this is our personal problem.

For personal mental health, it is better to be a conscious gigolo or a prostitute who is aware of his position, rather than a neurotic who expects free “unconditional” love from others.

Motives of greed and selfishness

So it turns out that if a person acts honestly, without covering up his true motives with a noble lie, then he becomes a “bad” greedy and “ruthless” egoist who did not want to stand on ceremony with our neuroses.

Sometimes we think of people who are selfish and take care of their attention and value their personal time. It seems like if a person does not read our useless spam somewhere on VKontakte, it means that he is a cunning egoist who, instead of being imbued with our profound “nonsense”, is engaged in some of his own completely useless affairs for us.

Often, we like to explain our own need for free freebies with someone else’s egoism. After all, it is much easier to lure ready-made benefits from the haves than to earn them yourself. It seems like if a person managed to provide for himself, it would be nice for him to like it, so that now he will provide for our person, since he is so good at it.

In order for a person to be our debtor, it is not necessary for him to like him. To draw out other people’s benefits, you can flatter, humiliate yourself, appeal to pity, a sense of duty, nobility, superiority, greatness and other signs of a “good” person. Anything will do that will make the “generous” benefactor prove that he is not a greedy or selfish person.

We consider “bad” people to be egoists, whom it is customary to condemn and even punish in some way. In the novel, I vocalized in detail the idea that each person ultimately does everything exclusively for himself. Everyone obeys the law of the carrot and stick. No matter who is in front of us – a hero, a villain, an office worker, a loving mother – no one can do otherwise. We are all Pavlov’s dogs, subject to two basic reflexes of pain and pleasure. Each of us in this life simply avoids pain and chooses the thrill – whoever knows how.

We all wander after the carrot of pleasant sensations. Geniuses, sages and other advanced users are no different from typical outsiders – the same pursuit of highs. The difference between all of us is that everyone has access to their own unique sources of happiness.

Rude people act rudely, ripping off superficial impressions, not because they are “bad”, but because they cannot do otherwise. Exactly so – roughly and superficially accessible at their stage, the thrill pulls the levers of their mind.

Far-sighted “wise men” enjoy life subtly with the least amount of destructive consequences, because they distinguish such threads of happiness, pulling for which they get their own, unattainable for others.

No one can do otherwise. Everyone obeys those impulses that he is able to discern on the periphery of his consciousness. We are all products of inevitable personal experience.

There is a kind of global stereotype that says that the right people should do the right thing. And if you are wrong, but greedy and selfish, then you must experience shame, fear and other unpleasant impulses that should prompt you to correct yourself in order to correspond to this global stereotype.

As a result, our omnipotent mind is pushed around by two additional springs: self-respect and self-flagellation. Following the standards, we respect ourselves, breaking the rules – we gnaw. This is how the global law of the carrot and stick is realized in the social world, prompting us to prove our normality. On this topic, already has a number of articles under the tag “pride”.

All our behavior, all noble intentions and lofty aspirations obey the simple impulses “pleasant” and “unpleasant”. But we do not want to believe that we are so primitive … Therefore, we choose to think that our “right” actions are not at all from the joy of self-affirmation, but a manifestation of some holy magnanimity.

There is no greed or selfishness. There is only our self-esteem, driven by a continuous race of self-assertion, eternally scanning reality in search of love and respect.

And there is nothing wrong with social bartering, where everyone shares what they have. Simply, in order to avoid neurotic fears, when making an exchange, you should not cheat, presenting self-promotion as reality. And then this exchange of “energies” may well be called mutual assistance.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Selfishness as a stage of development
  • Should we love?
  • Self-control, hard work and willpower as selfish fictions in the mind
  • Vanity, pride and humiliation