Healing birth trauma in a relationship

Why did fate bring me to this person? Why do I enter into similar relationships over and over again and act according to a stereotyped scenario?

And the last question is the most important: what lesson do I need to learn from this situation? It is to him that you need to find the answer.

About ancestral memory

I will introduce a basic statement, without which we will not be able to move on.

Our personality, behavior and choice of a partner are influenced by the energetics of the clan, our ancestors.

Exactly! The memory of generations is dissolved in our flesh and blood, in our DNA, in the hidden layers of the psyche. And most often it consists of unresolved situations, unmet basic needs for love and recognition, of various fears.

We, our mothers and fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers (and even further into the depths of centuries) needed and still need confirmation of simple truths: “I am good”, “I am loved”, “I am needed”, “I am important.”

Here it is – a pyramid of mental health needs. It’s a shame that we often don’t feel fulfilled in relationships … just like our ancestors.

Heavy ancestral history

Remember the history of our country. War. The revolution. Collectivization. War. Repression. What is behind these words? A great many losses of loved ones … Parting, death, search and not finding human warmth. Mother from morning till night at work to feed the children. She has no time for tenderness. And in a child’s place of basic needs “I am needed”, “I am important,” holes are gaping.

We are the children of a generation hungry for love, tenderness, hugs. And this is just a general story, but there is also a story of a single family with its tragedies and unfulfilled needs.

It is these birth traumas that we have to realize. Work it out. Let go. Because they definitely influence our life and the choice of a partner.

Here you meet a person so good, very good. And how dear, how close he seems. Both of you – unwittingly – try to impress, show the best sides, because you are united by spiritual closeness. But time passes, and along with sympathy, tension and – attention! – claims.

Claims in a relationship are a form of expression of unmet needs, not only of the partner himself, but also of his ancestors.

Special keys will help you to open the energy dungeons in which your family languishes. With their help, you will free yourself from the chains that fetter you with other people’s stereotypes, fears, pain – and you will chart your own course towards a harmonious future.

5 basic needs to be met in a relationship

1. Need for attention

All people need attention. We don’t get enough of it from our partner – we feel tension, loneliness, and our own uselessness.

In this case, a man needs female-type attention from his beloved, when the girl seems to dissolve in the interlocutor. She is passive and like the warm water of a calm lake in which a man is immersed. Without female acceptance, he will be constantly agitated and irritated.

A man, on the contrary, is dynamic when he shows attention to his lady. He involves her in joint activities: “Darling, we are invited to visit today”, “And we will swing along the Golden Ring for the weekend?”, “Get ready, we are going to ride bicycles to the park!”. If you do not attract a woman to activity for a long time, do not give her new impressions, you can cause disappointment in her.

2. The need for independence

It’s about a painful thing: a man’s attachment to his mother.

This aspect has to be worked on and taken seriously. Until the mother stops making a helpless (and convenient for her) loser out of an over-aged son; until he stops deciding for him who to work, what tie to choose for a lilac shirt and whom to date – the man will have a hard time. On the other hand, he himself needs to decisively break off this already unhealthy connection in order to create a new one – the only and correct one – with his wife.

But! As soon as a man begins to satisfy his need for an active search and knowledge of the new (this property is inherent in him by nature), his beloved woman already experiences anxiety and seeks to curb his masculinity, trying to tie him to himself and to the house. Figuratively speaking, she wants to force him to give up the dangerous hunt for mammoths and put him in a safe cave closer to the fire.

If training and domestication occurs regularly, a man gets another mom instead of a wife!

To avoid being immersed in a spiritual swamp, a couple needs freedom to develop.

3. The need for development

This is another basic aspiration with which a person is born. It permeates our entire life: a one-year-old baby seeks to learn to walk, and then run; a medical student wants to become a first-class doctor; a boy from a Brazilian slum – grow into a professional football player, etc.

At the family level, the husband wants to be a successful breadwinner and hunter, and the wife wants to be proud of her husband and children and at the same time to develop herself.

To fulfill these desires, resources are needed: the love and support of a loved one.

A woman gives a man energy through faith in him and attention, which we already wrote about above.

Man – through involvement in active actions and support: “Yes, dear, of course, go to these courses!”

To desire growth and development for your partner means to grow with him and bring the relationship to a higher level.

4. The need for correct energy exchange

Esoteric teachings state that a man’s energy is vertical and a woman’s is horizontal. It is not for nothing that in Hinduism, the symbol of the unity of both principles is lingam – the erect penis of the god Shiva, rising from the round base – yoni – the bosom of the goddess Shakti.

Feminine energy, wide, flowing, nourishes a man, like a river supplies water to a powerful tree.

If there is a bias, and the woman begins to dominate the family, energy exchange is disrupted. She may be proud of her victory over her husband, but deep down she is devastated by anxiety and fatigue.

If the proper order of things is maintained, that is, the female energy remains horizontal, and the male energy remains vertical, then the girl receives peace of mind, and her chosen one – faith in herself. And both of them are gaining strength for further development.

5. The need for divine love

In the same Hinduism, the wife and husband are instructed to honor each other as manifestations of God.

A woman, with love and recognition of his merits, creates a king from a partner. She sees his goals high and worthy, and himself – courageous and strong enough to fulfill his plans and move on.

A man who warms his chosen one with love, attention and affection, allows her to open up, protects her calmness and creates conditions for growth.


Conscious love in couples, where both take care of each other and do not limit the development of the partner, breaks the shackles of previous karmic ties and fills the voids of the unmet needs of previous generations. A harmonious relationship clears the way for your happy future.

Alexey Afanasov,

psychologist, leading practice and trainings

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