Resentment is an emotion both unpleasant and unaesthetic – it does not paint anyone. Not only do you suffer, but you also look whiny and prickly.
I want to get rid of resentment as soon as possible. But if you don t know how, you can be offended for many years. It s better to spend money on a psychologist, or work on your own. Today I ll tell you how.
Proximity
You may have noticed that we are not offended by strangers. Only for loved ones. The closer a person is, the stronger the offense is.
If a stranger on the street pushed, you might get angry. You will not be offended.
Only children take offense at strangers – they do not feel boundaries, do not understand who is their own and who is a stranger.
If you are offended by your boss, then he is at least a little close in your eyes.
If they take offense at you, then the offended one still keeps you on the list of relatives. If he cooled down and moved away, then he stopped counting his relatives.
When we are offended, we kind of inform the offender that he is still close to us, but some wrong close – and must correct himself. By resentment, we invite a person to repent and become a right loved one.
Imagine that you have a room in your heart for those closest to you. If your face control is lax, you can hurry to let the person into your heart.
He may not give a damn about your trust and behave casually. You will be offended as long as you keep the abuser in your heart. Offended, you kind of offer him to correct himself in order to remain in your heart by right.
Disappointment
What if a loved one does not want to improve and continues to behave like a stranger? You can take offense and cry for years. But it s much easier to admit the truth. Man is not that close. Perhaps a stranger altogether. You were wrong about the person.
Seemed close and dear – turned out to be distant and alien. It s time to let it out of your heart.
Stopping resentment is always the removal of a false charm. To stop being offended, you need to be disappointed to the level of truth – to admit your real relationship with the offender.
What is the distance between you? Maybe the person is not a stranger – just not as close as you hoped. Perhaps you are not so important to him, so he cannot be the perfect close. Relationships are still possible, just not so close.
Healing resentment is admitting the truth. You yourself hastily considered the person close – you yourself made a mistake in him. The offender is not to blame for your naivety. He doesn t have to invest in a relationship.
You return the right to be a stranger to the offender – he ceases to be an offender, and you cease to be offended. Relationships stop draining your energy.
Of course, you don t have to chop off the shoulder and part with the slightest offense. It’s possible to lose all relationships. But if the resentment lasts for months and years, it s time to move on.
Disappointment is unpleasant. When the heart is empty, the soul grows cold. But this is a short-term experience. Resentment can last even a lifetime.
You can get disappointed in one day. And it heals the hurt.
If you are recklessly and hastily fascinated, learn carefully and in time to be disappointed. Otherwise, you will have to take offense for years.
Labels
Usually psychologists are against labeling a person. But it is in the case of resentment that a clear formulation with a label helps to accept the situation.
If a person behaves selfishly, you cannot call his behavior wrong. Admit that he is an egoist and behaves naturally selfishly. An egoist is not obliged to break himself and become good specifically for us.
If a person behaves like a pig, there is no need to call it love, which he is breaking. Call it what it is – a swinish attitude under the guise of love.
If a person is cold with you, it is easier to admit that he is cold. Cold is its legal property.
If a person easily succumbs to emotions, admit that he is emotional and should not be judicious.
If a person reproaches for a mistake that he himself makes, admit that he is psychologically blind. Maybe he was born that way. Nobody is perfect.
On progressman.ru I talked about psychological blindness in a separate article.
Inflated requests
Note that resentment always indicates self-deception. You expect the person to take care of you, and instead they take care of themselves.
Resentment has a lot to do with anger. Anger is an active emotion. She encourages to correct the situation with her own hands. Resentment is a passive and childish emotion. She encourages to correct the situation with the hands of the offender.
The offended person identifies himself as the victim of the situation, and the offender as the offender.
The offended whines and blames, so that the offender begins to improve the situation.
When you are offended, it is difficult to understand whether your requests are adequate, or are you demanding an unreasonable amount? Are you offended by the case or are you unreasonably capricious?
This is not important. In any case, resentment gets in the way. It torments and destroys clarity. Even if your requests are justified, it is easier to get your way without offense.
Sometimes they try to forgive the offense. The offended, as it were, declares that he is above the offense and does a condescending favor to the offender – so be it forgives him.
Showy forgiveness means that the offended person is still offended. To truly forgive, you don t have to declare any forgiveness.
The root of resentment is the belief that the abuser should improve the situation. If you root out this belief, the resentment will go away on its own.
Ask questions: “Where did I get the idea that a person should admit his mistake? Do I have the right to force others to improve my life? “
Answer the questions not dryly for show, but do some serious work. Analyzing your needs is a powerful healing tool.
Constructive resentment
In general, offense is toxic, it poisons life. But there is such a rare situation when resentment can save a relationship. For example, the offender, out of inexperience, allowed disrespect. And the offended one told him about it. Kind of like: “let s not lower the bar of relations, let s continue to respect each other!”
The offended person could not say anything. I could quietly be disappointed and distant. Instead, it opened.
If a loved one is offended, it means he cares – he did not have time to move away. If the loved one has already cooled down, it means he has moved away.
To regain lost intimacy, you need to bring the offended to feelings. Let him remember his resentment and speak out. For maintaining a relationship, resentment is better than cold.
A neat resentment can save you from a breakup and maintain a warm relationship. But if the offense is not satisfied, it is useless. Be it at least three times justified.
If you take offense at being single, then you save only the illusion of intimacy. You knock on closed doors, you live in the hope of repentance of the offender. This can go on for many years. Of course, it is better to heal from such an offense.
If a person is offended occasionally, perhaps he is right – it s time for you to hear feedback.
If a person is constantly offended, it is dangerous to indulge him or her. This will only strengthen his resentment.
As you can see, healing from resentment comes down to being honest with yourself. Expectations come in line with reality – and no more offense, no more disappointments.
A healthy person does not take offense, but draws conclusions.
Igor Satorin