“Make the brain? It’s not about me. I’ve never done this kind of thing. ” May be so. But don’t jump to conclusions.
Often we ourselves do not notice how our behavior and words negatively affect the person we love. The girl thinks she “just reminded”, “wanted to explain”, “softly hinted”. And her chosen one at the same time experiences only one sensation: he is being pressed. Strong. Endless. It is this constant verbal pressure that men designate for themselves simply and clearly – brain removal.
You yourself may not even notice that you began to nag your beloved regularly. But this does not at all guarantee that your chosen one does not think to himself in his hearts: “She ate my whole brain.”
Moreover, for your man, the most innocent things from your point of view can become a brainwash. For example, your tenth reminder to take out the trash, or your repeated message that dinner is cooling down. All this can be perceived by a man as a brainwash, even if you add “bunny” or “beloved” to each phrase and speak in a soft, calm voice.
The root of the problem must be sought in childhood. From an early age, boys are taught the desire for independence and taught to resist other people’s influence. Therefore, men very quickly recognize any pressure and fight back.
Wondering if your couple has such a problem? There are several indirect signs.
For example, a beloved man cannot hear you. You can say something important for an hour or half an hour. And he seems to be in the clouds. Sits, it seems, listens to you, sometimes even inserts some phrases or words. Like “you’re right” or “uh-huh.” But then it turns out that the man ignored your words. This is always a shame (of course, because you prepared and talked about painful things, gave arguments in order to “finally reach out”).
And then the woman redoubles her efforts. And he starts talking even more and longer.
As a result, the situation is only getting worse. A man is no longer just “disconnected”, he begins to show signs of discontent and irritability. At times like these, your partner may be rude and impolite. Interrupt. Or even stand up silently and leave right in the middle of your tirade. A woman reacts to such rudeness with resentment and presentation of a list of claims. And yes, the man perceives this unequivocally: the brain is being taken out.
It turns out a vicious circle. Quarrels and conflicts are growing like a snowball. Mutual understanding between once loving people is lost. Trust and tenderness are replaced by mutual grievances and claims. At the same time, each partner considers himself to be the affected party.
It happens that this behavior of the wife pushes the man to seek love on the side or leave the family. It often comes to divorce.
But, fortunately, breaking this vicious circle is a feasible task for a woman savvy in psychology.
Here are some simple rules that will help you to reduce the intensity of passions and not be considered a “saw”.
The ten minute rule
The man had just stepped into the house after a hard day’s work. Don’t pounce on him with questions. Don’t tell me straight away how your day went. Who called and what said. That the children broke or bitten by the dog. Where it burned out, and where it leaks. Leave the news of your mom’s visit for later. Do not offer to immediately play with the child, as soon as the husband put his feet in slippers.
Wait. Give the person just a few minutes of silence to switch from “work” to “home”. It is better to silently kiss the beloved on the cheek, smile at him and retreat to the kitchen or bathroom. In general, go about your women’s affairs.
By doing so, you are letting your partner know that you love and appreciate them, recognizing their right to rest and their own space.
The “cave” rule
We all have occasional little setbacks or temporary difficulties. It is good to know that most men handle adversity differently than women.
For the weaker sex, a heart-to-heart conversation with a loved one will be the ideal solution to the problem. A simple discussion of painful issues brings comfort, even if, as a result, no constructive ways out of the situation have been found.
We are instinctively inclined to believe that the strong half of humanity needs the same. Seeing that a loved one came home from work darker than a cloud, women try to ask, talk to their partner. This is mistake! As a rule, men prefer to cope with problems on their own. It is better to leave them to sit out “in a cave” alone. Just say: “If anything, you know, I am always there.”
But it is better not to speak, but to act. A delicious dinner, a disc with your favorite movie, your calm, benevolent smile will be a sign for a man that you support him, but you are sure: he is strong and is quite able to cope on his own.
Intrusive questions and uninvited expressions of sympathy will only anger your significant other and prevent you from gathering strength to overcome difficulties. “Just talk about it” doesn’t work with men!
The rule of straightforwardness
Men are simple and uncomplicated creatures. They love specific questions and direct requests.
When addressing your partner, speak clearly, clearly articulating what you want. Do not hope that he will “guess” or “take a hint.” If you say: “Darling, something in our kitchen began to smell bad, did you notice?” Or you sigh, looking out the window: “What a fine fellow Alena’s husband, every day he takes out the trash.” Or start from afar: “Sasha, are you busy with anything now? I have cutlets on the stove, I can’t move away. When do you have football today, is it not now? ” This is just how you confuse your partner.
There are too many words, but you still have to guess the meaning of the ornate statement. Do you want the trash to be taken out? Get the man’s attention by calmly referring to him by name. Then say clearly and concisely, “Please take out the trash.” It’s so easy.
The once rule
Express your request or proposal once. This is enough for a person to perceive the information and begin to think about how to react to it.
If you invite your husband to dinner, then once is enough. The husband will take note that dinner is ready and you are waiting for him at the table. What to do next with this information is the free choice of each person. The spouse can immediately go to the table. Or he may first finish writing an important message to a colleague at work or watch an interview on TV.
The further words of the caring wife: “cooling down”, “I put everything down long ago”, “well, go now, what are you doing there so important?” Are completely superfluous. After all, he is an adult and knows perfectly well that dinner is getting cold. And if a man decided that it was more important for him to send a letter or listen to the presenter’s remark on TV, it means that he weighed everything and calmly perceives the prospect of having dinner with cooled cutlets.
There is no new information in further words, but there is pressure. And if you relentlessly follow a man and hammer him with your “dinner is already getting cold”, you simply force him to do what you want, regardless of his opinion. And this is precisely the removal of the brain.
Natural Consequence Rule
This is a rule for those who are now thinking: “So, the husband will do what he wants, but you don’t say a word? He will sit on his neck and hang his legs. ” Yes, you just need to silently leave your man to make a choice.
That is why, for example, a woman is so worried that her beloved does not go to the table? Because she wants to feed him tastier and keep him pleasant company. In general, do everything in the best possible way. The poor thing cannot even leave the kitchen to rest, sits and waits, but he still does not go.
Why torture yourself? Once they calmly called me to the table. Didn’t come when they called? No need to reheat food again and wait until it stops. Wait a reasonable amount of time calmly, then go about your business. This time he will have to eat a cold one alone and look for himself what to take for tea.
It is possible that after such a cold dinner in every sense, the next time your chosen one will come right away. Or maybe not. This is his business. Don’t push.
Show a little restraint and respect for the peculiarities of the male perception of the world. Then, having heard the phrase “brain removal” in the general company, your companion will not start giving examples from your life, but will only look back at you with warmth and gratitude. After all, everything is fine in your relationship!
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations