Probably the main problem of attachment is that the lover manages to somehow convince himself that he can own another person, in the same way that loved ones belong. And this conviction can last until the end of life, confronting repeated “rakes”: jealousy, a sense of ownership, resentment. A beloved for a lover is such a super “thing”, the possession of which comforts and delivers incomparably more piercingly than the possession of inanimate property.
Over the past couple of weeks, several people have addressed a similar problem at once. I am writing an article in hot pursuit.
Ownership delights with the illusion of possession and painful when this illusory joy is compromised. Simply put, do not feed a lover with honey, just let us feel that this very cool and infinitely important person is “MY !!!” The lover longs to feel as if he has an indestructible firm right to possess a loved one. And by the power of this thirst, his imagination at every opportunity draws such mirages, where this right of ownership is confirmed.
In fact, this is done with the help of constant provocations, tests and evidence of reciprocal feelings. And whenever the “feelings” are somehow, even subtly, confirmed, the lover is seized with a blinding glee caused by the illusion that his personal code of happiness with a thousand laws and rules comes into force and will be obediently fulfilled by his beloved.
In fact, all the power of passionate “love” rests on the simple-minded conviction of the lover that all his expectations will come true at all costs and all-consuming happiness will come. The lover loves the more, the more hopes and expectations he has managed to attach to the victim of his “love”.
“If you love, then it’s mine,” and “if mine, then you must” – and then an insatiable list of invented responsibilities and restrictions that have no real basis. However, realistic grounds may be undeveloped religious customs in our country or formal agreements regulating every expected step. But these artificial steps cannot guarantee stable feelings, therefore, even when the relationship is clamped in the grip of strict rules, the hope of the lover alternates with hopelessness.
The intensity of love passions is so great, and the supports for them are so shaky that the drama of conflicting feelings alternately rolls over to the most critical peaks, where the most important, fateful question is constantly being resolved in the head of the lover – whether there will be happiness in his life or not. And this is solved not once and for all, but repeatedly and chaotically. Anxious, painful happiness now and then gives way to horror, where a lover, depending on his temperament, practices either despair or hysteria.
Such a rapid change of conflicting scenery of the future future – from happiness to horror and vice versa – can occur several times a day, simply because there is no real soil under them. As mentioned above, the lover is so eager to feel himself the owner that to provoke a sense of ownership in his mind he uses every conceivable reason – no matter how unreliable they may be: every word of a loved one, every turn of his head is like a promise of a dream, to which a lover naively and selflessly bought.
The paradox of the situation is that a huge, emotionally rich stake is placed on a non-existent, imaginary support. The self-delusion of a lover has no reliable basis, therefore it almost inevitably crumbles before our eyes, or is kept in proportion to the amount of energy that self-deception is pumped into.
There is no possession, there is only its painful, shaky illusion – a naive, warlike sense of ownership. We cannot make another person our property. Even when there is an opportunity to put another person into total dependence on oneself, all the same, “possession” cannot be one hundred percent reliable, because this is how life itself is arranged. Our bodies are not iron, not eternal, anything can happen on any day. Feelings can fade away, the body can die, the situation can turn upside down. On progressman.ru, an article about the ease of being is devoted to the topic of such sudden unpredictability.
If possession were something indestructible, only then could it have an undeniable basis and the sense of ownership would be justified. However, in reality this does not happen. Each person is not a static, obedient dummy, but a living embodiment of a developing, spontaneous life.
Yet it is not necessary to regard possession as an illusion; shaky, temporary, without tangible, stable boundaries and rules – it is in this form that it is “real”. We possess other people in a very conditional and relative form.
In words, one can separate attachment from a sense of ownership and say that attachment is conditionally “solid” when it has its own relatively strong supports. If, for example, a relatively stable relationship has developed with a partner and lasts for a year, then the likelihood of their continuation the next day is really very high. That is why reliability is so important for strong, trusting relationships, both in love and friendship.
In other words, when attachment has proven, predictable reasons, it can be completely justified and bring more joy than any problems. And yet, even the most stable relationship can fail, and the longer the joyful attachment lasts, the more the mental devastation of loss overtakes.
But this does not mean at all that you have to constantly, tensely keep your finger on the pulse and expect some kind of trick from your partner. Rather, all this implies that indestructible peace of mind cannot be based solely on a single external element. Not everything is about relationships. Friendship, work, hobbies, worldview, personal qualities and abilities, spirituality and self-knowledge: the closer the sphere is to the very essence of our human being, the stronger its support.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- About happiness in relationships
- Love and relationships: on the surface and deep
- Affection under the mask of love
- Falling in love and subconsciousness