The closeness and stability that results from grinding in, when partners, overcoming a number of joint difficulties, and getting to know each other better, are dealing not with a beautiful mask, but with a real person, gives the relationship “seriousness”. But now it is not so much about how to start a serious relationship, but about how not to go too far with this “sinister” seriousness in them. Quite recently, there was a short article on the site under the heading “Conflict can not be negotiated”, where it was a topical situation for most people, when your and your partner s interests diverge. As a conclusion of the article and a way out of the situation, possible solutions were proposed: to escape, start a war with a partner, or still go along the most difficult and reasonable path – go to the stage of negotiations and resolve the issue peacefully. But what if the situation seems hopeless? What if the partner does not want to negotiate, but you no longer want to conflict, and do not intend to leave either? This is indeed a difficult situation. And it is not easy because it seems like a dead end and hopelessness, but because it inevitably leads to your growth – and this is almost always a painful process. In order not to be unfounded, I will try to decipher what kind of “growth” I am talking about.
The Energy of Serious Relationships
Almost all scandals in relationships with loved ones are actually not arranged at all because of material objects. The things we argue about are just an excuse to sort things out. That is, in fact, it is not things that are important to us, but how our partner reacts to us – sensitively, friendly, courteously, seriously, or disregardingly utilitarian and despotic. In relationships, it is not so much the subject of discussion that is important as the form of expressions and the energy of intonations in which this subject is discussed.
The main problem in conflict situations is mechanical reactions. For example, a loved one asked you to clean up your things in a near-order tone. It seems to be nothing special – the usual “little things in life.” And, it would seem, how silly because of them to quarrel and make scandals. But as it was said above, the point is not at all tidied things up. Yes, for the sake of a loved one, you can simply throw them away! And nothing terrible will happen. But you yourself do not notice how you start to get angry. And not because you were asked to clean up, but because in an orderly tone you were actually asked to obey, to become a weak-willed rag about which it is convenient to wipe your feet. I am deliberately exaggerating so that the subtle becomes obvious.
The topic of requests and orders on the site has already been touched upon. Here I want to go further and consider a “hopeless” situation – one where it seems that there are simply no solutions, and hands give up. It can happen in a relationship with any person – not only with a partner, but, for example, in a relationship with a child, colleague, friend, anyone. Circumstances are different, but such a situation is always a painful suspension, when it is no longer possible to stay put in the usual conditions, and making decisions and changing something is even more terrible. To bend is humiliating, and to fight is dangerous. As a result, any consequences for our self-esteem seem devastating.
When you feel that it is inappropriate to develop a conflict, and it is impossible to negotiate, because the person does not listen to you, then it begins working off karma personal growth. In such a situation, you may finally have a serious motive – to pay attention to your own wagons of logs “in the eye” mechanical reactions.
Most likely, when you tried to negotiate with your partner, and explain something about your situation with him, then, as often happens, you were looking for a veiled way to blame all responsibility for a mutual conflict on your partner, and shield yourself as an innocent victim , which is almost always and almost everywhere right. This, you know, is the reckless norm that most people follow.
In other words, when negotiations do not bear fruit and the person does not hear you, perhaps he really is not ready to hear, and you should choose another moment for the conversation. Or maybe your manner of presentation simply does not suit your partner. Remember? Not the words are important, but the presentation … the way you speak, what you put on your gaze – in violent “righteous” anger and the imposition of your “truth”, or a sincere aspiration for peace.
The person next to you is alive. It is as difficult for him to change his views and admit that he is wrong, as it is for you. It is important to remember this. And if, as is usually the case, you are trying to prove that your partner is wrong and you are right, what do you actually expect? That your partner will be surprised at your great wisdom, will immediately understand everything and come to his senses? Probably it happens … in fairy tales. And in life in such a serious relationship, the partner is almost inevitably on the defensive. After all, you, in fact, prove to him that he is wrong in his wrong and should go through the procedure of correcting the “factory defect”.
And change isn t easy. Living people do not have magic buttons, by clicking on which they change for the better for us. Personal change is always breaking. And of course, “it would be better” if others break, and not we … – it s easier for us. And the partner, a shameless impudent person, is protected from such encroachments on his personality. Nobody likes this kind of change. Everyone is afraid of them, because change is fraught with the loss of the usual supports. There was also a separate article about this conservatism of the ego on progressman.ru.
And after all, no one in this life is obliged to change at our will. The desire to remake another person is our problem, not his. And who will give one hundred percent guarantee that our truth is true, and the truth of our partner is a lie? And how sometimes we naively rejoice when our opinion is supported by someone else, someone else. Then we feel as if we have won the battle, because now it is much further for our partner to continue to insist on his own, when others admit that he is a dissenting “unfaithful” …
Consciousness in Serious Relationships
Indeed, it all comes down to awareness, to our own maturity in our serious relationship. Mechanical reactions often lead to violence because they drive living people into limited patterns. In every informal situation, a sensitive, intuitive approach is important. And there is no unequivocal panacea. However, one interesting practice that I advise my clients to do can help: before you react in any way, try to feel where it will lead. Think about how the person will respond to your reaction, and you will be surprised how well your everyday intuition really is. We always somewhere latently feel others, especially close ones.
By practicing this kind of everyday premonition, you will see that most of the mechanical reactions in living relationships are simply meaningless. And this understanding will open up new dialogue options. You will still feel the urges of mechanical reactions – the very ones that usually led to conflict, but along with them, the voice of rationality will begin to sound.
At first, such practice can lead to a stupor, to the feeling that you no longer understand how to act and what to do, as if you are on a very thin path, and there is an abyss on the sides, and no profitable decisions are being born. And this is a good symptom! It is from here that you can best see how everything really is. Here you can see that the real problem is your own unconsciousness and inability to accept the situation, your own fear of life, hidden from yourself by external discontent.
Again, a partner does not have to match your whims and become your goldfish. Everyone can behave as he wants, and rake the consequences corresponding to their behavior. If you don t like your partner, do to please. Does not work? Then bear with what you have, or leave. How to make your partner like it? Of course, you can try mental abuse, if your conscience allows, and your partner s reaction is okay. You can practice humility. You can try to negotiate and find compromises, or even options when both parties benefit. Does not work? Then you can either dump or admit your dependence on your partner, without covering up this weakness with imaginary virtues, and come to terms with it. Otherwise, the same painful suspension remains – passive inaction and empty experiences wrapped around him. Someone should turn this very wheel of samsaric baking until they get bored.
When you have developed a long-term habit of masking your irresponsibility in relationships with external problems, then just such “hopeless†situations demonstrate in the best way that your whole life completely depends on your attitude towards it and your decisions. And the longer you persist, closing your eyes to this truth, the longer the neurotic suspension lasts.
Solutions. Sometimes it s so difficult to accept them … simply because they have consequences. And these consequences are not some kind of fantasy. The consequences are real and therefore can be seriously intimidating. Life really changes when you make decisions. And therefore, at times, it is easier to hang out and hide in the fantasies of the comfort zone, just not to change, not to lose the support we are used to. But this is the only way we grow – losing support, we take the next step, to the next step, and grow up, and see yesterday s situation from the outside, with new eyes, and understand what actually happened.
And there is no need to wear a good-looking good-looking mask just to avoid conflicts in our serious relationships with people. By practicing “everyday foreboding,†you understand where your actions can lead and you react sincerely.
Of course, in words everything can be beautiful and smooth, but in life there are thousands of circumstances, which the mind is not able to fully take into account. But once you get the taste of growth, difficult situations really, truly come across as lessons that make you mature. At the same time, somewhere you still continue to hum your favorite songs of the ego, but a conscious particle of the psyche has already turned on, and gradually takes its toll.
Sometimes negotiations really do not make sense and it is appropriate to leave broken relations in the past, or to build them anew, on a more solid foundation. But here it is easy to be deceived, because we are not always able to understand where we leave an exhausted relationship, and where we simply run away from ourselves. No one can guarantee that old mistakes will not be repeated in a new relationship. Breaking ties is much easier than setting up harmoniously. And the joint difficulties overcome by the partners only strengthen their relationship.
It sometimes becomes clear to a conscientious person that there are no right decisions. They all lead to their losses and gains. It just hurts to lose. But life dramas clearly show the prospects for personal growth. The practice of mindfulness gives not so much a feeling of this very awareness, as it allows you to see your own blindness. And the whole choice is to either continue and further indulge in the illusion, or, admitting your ignorance, start moving towards the true light.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- Conscious communication in conflict situations
- Love and relationships
- Responsibility and irresponsibility
- The solution to all problems
P.S.
Your recipes for harmonious relationships in the comments are welcome.