We continue to analyze the ideals. Back in September, in order to anticipate the appearance of this article on the site, I created another poll. Topic: “Are we obligated to be compassionate and love others?” “Yes” was answered by 42%, “no” – 58%. Just want to say about one nuance. The fact is that it is much easier to apply reasonable logic for thinking and answering questions than for real actions. Intellectually, most of us seem to understand that love under compulsion does not exist. But even very intelligent people find themselves disarmed in the face of their own irrational feelings. It is one thing to understand with a superficial mind, and quite another to feel from deep unconscious beliefs. And in the depths of his soul, almost everyone keeps the idea that it is necessary to love our person not in a selfish way for something, but just like that – unconditionally.
Think, can we love just like that? And how is it in general – “just like that”? Simply – for nothing, regardless of the conditions and circumstances, personal qualities and achievements, no matter how blissful a person is, no matter how swinish he behaves. Do you know how to love like that? And can such unconditional love be aimed at a specific person?
If love ceases to depend on conditions and circumstances, it also loses attachment to a specific object and becomes love “in general” – without goals and intentions – such an unpretentious and “unintelligible” feeling, which, like space, quietly and resignedly accepts everything in it happens.
A separate article is devoted to this topic on the site. And here I will briefly repeat. As I see it, what is called unconditional love is not even some specific feeling directed at objects, but a natural property of consciousness itself, which freely manifests itself when there is no need to suppress something in life here and now, or somehow compensate. This is pure acceptance, the property of contemplative consciousness, which freely conducts all impressions through itself.
And as long as the mechanisms of psychological defense – suppression and compensation defend the personality from reality, our comfort and our love become rigidly tied to specific conditions and circumstances. Simply put, we do not know how to love just like that! Even babies. A mother loves her child very specifically and quite selfishly for the very qualities that she notices in him. And this is completely normal.
But irrational sentiments disagree with this logic. For them, this psychic pragmatism looks like a cold, unacceptable egoism, as if the only thing that is left to others is how to use our person in a utilitarian way in their own selfish interests.
On progressman.ru, this topic, which is not easy for our feelings, has already been touched upon in an article about greed in relationships. We believe that friends and loved ones should love just like that. And when we notice that they love us not with such a “holy” love, but for our own benefit for our specific actions, qualities and capabilities, we immediately recognize someone else’s egoism and greed!
In a relationship, the demand for love is becoming an acute problem. Naive partners enter into a relationship so that at least here their person is accepted and gratified, as “it should” – completely and unconditionally. In this situation, “love” itself is taken as a duty to groom and cherish. It seems like, “if you love, you have to …” During the romantic, “candy-bouquet” period, this pressure of claims can be encouraged, misleading partners, as if a childhood dream is finally being fulfilled. But, as soon as passions subside, all excessive encroachments on personal freedom cause only rejection.
The same deeply seated children’s need for free love encourages bending your fingers and inflating with all your might a sense of self-importance, so that people love and respect as it is – for a gift, as if our person is such a wonderful, deserving of all the best baby, who, when they do not love , it only remains how to cry bitterly in order to draw the attention of the adult world to the ongoing “injustice”. Sometimes a personal tragedy like this swells to lifelong proportions.
Infantile dependence, helplessness and self-pity are another layer of problems that they face out of fear of losing the right to unreasonable love and support. How, after all, if you cope with difficulties on your own without complaints and whining, others will see and understand that our person is in order and does not need help. Therefore, we must do our best to depict resentfully how bad everything is, so that others notice this terrible injustice and rush to support and regret.
We will talk about pity separately, probably in the near future.
And the most painful, eternally bleeding wound of society, called “self-doubt” is nothing more than the fear of understanding that there is nothing to love our “beautiful” person for. Therefore, it does not deserve anything other than recycling. Cry, even to the point of being blue in the face. I’m talking now not so much about realities as about the logic of our unconscious, which equates someone else’s disapproval with a mortal threat.
No matter how you inflate your own importance, trying to prove that you are not a camel, all these measures to cover up signs of personal radical “defectiveness” from the “disease” do not cure, but only mask it with a fake ugly image designed to convince everyone, and most importantly, yourself that everything is “OK” and our “charm” deserves love.
Surprisingly, they can believe in the debt of love all their lives without receiving any real confirmation of the operation of this manipulation. Yes, there are “profitable” sides here. And if you really demand love, then at least with knowledge of the matter, understanding what is happening and what consequences it is fraught with.
You can beg, appeal for compassion, and receive pejorative pity in return. You can press on weakness, be jealous, blame, moralize, and induce guilt and shame in your opponent. You can push aggressively and get forced consent to your demands. And most often, such measures lead to reciprocal hostility and rejection.
And no real love necessarily happens. The obligation to truly love is an oxymoron. “Love” under compulsion is not love, but psychological abuse. Understanding that forced love does not happen does not solve all problems, but it can cut the roots of neuroticism and unravel individual knots of personal “karma”.
Mentioning the “advantageous” aspects of the debt of love, I omitted the main one in order to emphasize it separately. Without this benefit, the entire fake “construction” would not be as strong and durable. The fact is that when the opponent himself believes in the obligation of love, he is able to produce exactly the same effect that creates the false feeling that love by virtue of duty is not only possible, but should be.
In an article about false teachers, I have already described a situation where a deceiver, trying to look better than he is, imitates the image of a master, like an actor in a movie, gradually getting used to the role. He knows what is expected of him, knows what “should” be, and competently takes on his deceitful role. When his game is taken seriously, he himself is inclined to believe that his ostentatious imitation of light feelings is true love!
The same is practiced by any idealist who obeys spiritual or social morality – he plays his role, prompting others to believe in the sincerity of his “custom-made” love, thereby supporting and strengthening the picture of social neurosis. “And God forbid to puncture!” After all, then everyone will understand that there is no love in him, and therefore he is supposedly a “bad” person. What else remains under the pressure of artificial ideals? All that remains is to lie, depicting love, nobility, kindness, generosity. And then you get used to this behavior and begin to believe that this is love.
But real feelings do not go anywhere, but continue to press and break through to the surface inappropriately, undermining the false setting. And an internal conflict begins – neurotic throwings, where the duty of “correct”, obligatory qualities competes with real, natural feelings. If artificial demands win, then the person completely suppresses his living feelings and desires, and alienation from himself begins, leading to deaf depression. Life becomes colorless and gloomy. If desires win, the idealist begins to torture himself for weakness and weakness.
Imagine an angel with cardboard wings and a wire halo trying to convince others and himself that all of his angelic attributes are real. Others play along – they say, “Yes, you are a good person. And me too. We are better than those others who do not wear this masquerade. “
Artificial and natural
We are not loved not because of harm and personal whim. We do not love, not because we are “bad”. Feelings are spontaneous and natural. You can suppress them, you can practice some affirmations, trying to inspire yourself with something to which there is no inclination, but deep feelings and beliefs will still break through. On progressman.ru a separate article is devoted to the topic of such a predominance of the deep over the superficial.
Nobody is obliged to love us. And most importantly, we are not obliged to love either. Allowing yourself to have honest, real feelings is like breathing fresh air instead of the suffocating stench of a beautifully decorated gas mask.
The paradox is that it is the requirements that stifle what is born and lives naturally. The artificial inevitably suppresses the natural. Real, sincere feelings are spontaneous, do not yield to dictate, and manifest themselves exactly where they are not subjected to violence by the duty of morality and ethics. Where there is a chance for real love, a duty and a duty to love, this chance is killed.
Do you want love? Be honest and create the conditions for her to grow. Satisfied with false imitation? Then, keep on demanding, pressing on your conscience, or pityingly cajole. But then don’t complain about your partner’s alienation. And do not be surprised that you are mistaken for a capricious child with a crappy character.
Almost no one thinks of subjecting their own requirements to realism. The psychologist here is required, first of all, not to be subject to artificial ideals, to be able to distinguish this lie, and the most difficult thing is to pull the client’s self-deception to the surface and display it visually.
Without the precious right to unreasonable love, life itself may seem devoid of holiday magic, cold and dark chaos. This is an echo of our childhood fears. We are used to receiving attention and love on demand, probably while yelling in the cradle, attracting the attention of our parents. Being responsible, mentally grown up is not easy. But the secondary benefits of infantile pretensions are sometimes far more costly.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- Relationship rules
- Selfishness as a stage of development
- Ideals and morality of society
- Loyalty, betrayal and open relationships