The current long-term survey on the site is under the heading “Where do you (honestly) find your happiness?” Among the 18 answer options, the leading one is “to feel needed”. That is, almost all of us see our happiness in the first place – in relationships, and secondly – in hobbies. There is one nuance here. The fact is that most of us do not really notice our own life, but are immersed either in the past, or in hopes and anticipation. Therefore, happiness in stereotypical values is not so much found as anticipated … And somewhere here one of the most tricky problems begins – this is a paradox when relationships become a painful striped drama just in those very cases when happiness is expected from them.
When happiness is expected from a relationship with a partner, this person wants to be controlled so that happiness does not escape anywhere. This is where the roots of jealousy and a sense of ownership grow. All this is the fear of losing a controlling stake in the anticipated personal fairy tale. At the same time, a bad illusion arises that happiness is possible only with this particular person, whom you like.
Love is deified, all the best is attributed to it, because the highest stake is placed on this feeling itself. A lover dreams that in realizing his love he will achieve the highest goal that a living person can achieve. All other joys of the world begin to fade in the head of a lover, and professional and spiritual heights are perceived as faded shadows of that sparkling merger with the one and only object of love.
As a result, this “unique” with every gesture, every turn of the head directly affects the well-being of the lover, as if pulling the real levers of his states. Turned around – good, turned away – bad. In such dependence on someone else’s disposition, the addict in love is shaking like a weathervane in the wind, because a loved one for him is such an indicator of all significant limits of personal states.
When an unrequited lover begins to lisp and babble with inspiration, smearing his sugary-melodramatic snot, he kind of begs for an affectionate disposition. And in response, he receives, at best, bewildered affection, or even irritation.
The object of “love” from such inclinations to his own person feels as if a lover is trying to occupy the personal space of his victim, while imposing something huge and unclear – his own destiny. If the loved one does not naturally awaken the reciprocal feelings, their artificial squeezing only causes rejection.
To a lover without a loved one, everything seems empty and meaningless, as if he has comprehended in this life everything that can be comprehended, and understood what true happiness consists in – in the attention of a loved one. At the same time, the lover does not understand that even the most intelligent and brilliant people comprehend only the edge of the activity that they are passionate about. Life is an endless and incomprehensible phenomenon – there is no such limitedly narrow happiness in it, which is buried in a single person. This stereotype.
It’s okay to be in control of your belongings. It’s okay to become possessive of your hobbies and interests. But making property out of other people is the path of doubt and fear. Control stifles relationships. At the same time, control should not be confused with conscious efforts aimed at maintaining harmonious ties.
We are not prophets and cannot predict not only the actions of other people, but even our own. Expectations of specific behavior pleasing to us from others are fraught with dependence and inevitable disappointment. Anything can happen tomorrow. A realistic view of things implies the assumption of all possible scenarios.
Such is life – we do not know the exact future, but only guess and assume. And therefore, contact with a loved one is not a given; in fact, it is such a gift from life – its offering. You can take it while you are being treated. And as soon as life has ceased to treat this dish, you can start the next one. Maybe your favorite dish will be included in the permanent menu, but maybe not. Maybe there will be others – no less beautiful.
But how stupid a person behaves when he begins to attribute the possibility of happiness to one single “dish”. He ceases to notice all the others. It’s not about free relationships and promiscuous sex at all. The lover in his selfless idolatry ceases to notice reality. It’s not life so sour without one single lover. It is the lover himself, with his capricious tension, trying to push away the innocent reality, darkening it in his head.
The impending future is unpredictable and surprising when we open up to it without clinging to the passing past. This is exactly what happens in our eternal “now”. And only the mind clinging to the supports slips.
The state when life is not sweet without a loved one is madness in which all potential happiness is associated with a single point in the infinite universe. The horror is to miss this island. Horror is to hold on tightly to it, naively believing that beyond it is a meaningless dark abyss. And how do you want to believe in a fairy tale – “and they lived happily ever after, and died in one day …” And there was no lonely old age, filled with dreams of the past, or deep wisdom in accepting the present.
But at the same time, self-sufficiency does not at all imply loneliness. You can walk through life on your own two feet in a pleasant company. Do not confuse addiction with a mutually beneficial relationship. And do not confuse self-sufficiency with its beautiful artificial image, which is so often used to cover up your need for someone else’s attention. Proud loneliness is another neuroticism.
Measure of meaning
Projections are one of the main topics of progressman.ru. Sometimes in consultations I give an analogy where the meaning of life is something like a set of happy slides that are projected onto reality. When meaning is projected onto many objects and events, the loss of one of them does not pose a big threat – there are others. When all the semantic slides are directed at a single image of the external universe, excessive significance is given to it, and a mental swing begins – from one extreme to another – no peace of mind.
Similar experiences happen not only because of falling in love, but in any case when a high stake is placed on something unreliable – be it a career, a hobby, or potentially joyful events – you can make a painful lottery out of any phenomenon. That is, when happiness is expected under some specific conditions, any threat of deviation from these conditions causes mental anguish.
Likewise, being carried away by ideas about enlightenment, one can easily plunge into expectations of concrete results of development and satisfaction. Meanwhile, enlightenment is a life without expectations – without rates and ranks, which already suits in the very form in which it is happening right now.
Expecting happiness is an oxymoron. But a person does not know how to live completely without hopes. It’s all about a realistic view of the world. We can expect and guess, realizing that life will still do it in its own way – no better and no worse, but keeping the natural course of things. But if you listen exclusively to your own hopes, even a sweet cake that has not passed the filter of personal anticipation will seem tasteless and even bitter. And only openness to the eternally new reality emerging here and now allows you to enjoy its taste. In general, there is a “Zen” here, when you act, keeping calm, hoping without hope, and sharing your path with companions without leashes, cages and handcuffs.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- Happiness for man
- Love and relationships: on the surface and deep
- Affection under the mask of love
- Falling in love and subconsciousness