About happiness in relationships and hobbies

The current long-term survey on the site is under the heading “Where do you (honestly) find your happiness?” Among the 18 answer options, the leading one is “to feel needed”. That is, almost all of us see our happiness in the first place – in relationships, and secondly – in hobbies. There is one nuance here. The fact is that most of us do not really notice our own life, but are immersed either in the past, or in hopes and anticipation. Therefore, happiness in stereotypical values ​​is not so much found as anticipated … And somewhere here one of the most tricky problems begins – this is a paradox when relationships become a painful striped drama just in those very cases when happiness is expected from them.

Love control

When happiness is expected from a relationship with a partner, this person wants to be controlled so that happiness does not escape anywhere. This is where the roots of jealousy and a sense of ownership grow. All this is the fear of losing a controlling stake in the anticipated personal fairy tale. At the same time, a bad illusion arises that happiness is possible only with this particular person, whom you like.

Love is deified, all the best is attributed to it, because the highest stake is placed on this feeling itself. A lover dreams that in realizing his love he will achieve the highest goal that a living person can achieve. All other joys of the world begin to fade in the head of a lover, and professional and spiritual heights are perceived as faded shadows of that sparkling merger with the one and only object of love.

As a result, this “unique” with every gesture, every turn of the head directly affects the well-being of the lover, as if pulling the real levers of his states. Turned around – good, turned away – bad. In such dependence on someone else’s disposition, the addict in love is shaking like a weathervane in the wind, because a loved one for him is such an indicator of all significant limits of personal states.

When an unrequited lover begins to lisp and babble with inspiration, smearing his sugary-melodramatic snot, he kind of begs for an affectionate disposition. And in response, he receives, at best, bewildered affection, or even irritation.

The object of “love” from such inclinations to his own person feels as if a lover is trying to occupy the personal space of his victim, while imposing something huge and unclear – his own destiny. If the loved one does not naturally awaken the reciprocal feelings, their artificial squeezing only causes rejection.

To a lover without a loved one, everything seems empty and meaningless, as if he has comprehended in this life everything that can be comprehended, and understood what true happiness consists in – in the attention of a loved one. At the same time, the lover does not understand that even the most intelligent and brilliant people comprehend only the edge of the activity that they are passionate about. Life is an endless and incomprehensible phenomenon – there is no such limitedly narrow happiness in it, which is buried in a single person. This stereotype.

It’s okay to be in control of your belongings. It’s okay to become possessive of your hobbies and interests. But making property out of other people is the path of doubt and fear. Control stifles relationships. At the same time, control should not be confused with conscious efforts aimed at maintaining harmonious ties.

Life menu

We are not prophets and cannot predict not only the actions of other people, but even our own. Expectations of specific behavior pleasing to us from others are fraught with dependence and inevitable disappointment. Anything can happen tomorrow. A realistic view of things implies the assumption of all possible scenarios.

Such is life – we do not know the exact future, but only guess and assume. And therefore, contact with a loved one is not a given; in fact, it is such a gift from life – its offering. You can take it while you are being treated. And as soon as life has ceased to treat this dish, you can start the next one. Maybe your favorite dish will be included in the permanent menu, but maybe not. Maybe there will be others – no less beautiful.

But how stupid a person behaves when he begins to attribute the possibility of happiness to one single “dish”. He ceases to notice all the others. It’s not about free relationships and promiscuous sex at all. The lover in his selfless idolatry ceases to notice reality. It’s not life so sour without one single lover. It is the lover himself, with his capricious tension, trying to push away the innocent reality, darkening it in his head.

The impending future is unpredictable and surprising when we open up to it without clinging to the passing past. This is exactly what happens in our eternal “now”. And only the mind clinging to the supports slips.

The state when life is not sweet without a loved one is madness in which all potential happiness is associated with a single point in the infinite universe. The horror is to miss this island. Horror is to hold on tightly to it, naively believing that beyond it is a meaningless dark abyss. And how do you want to believe in a fairy tale – “and they lived happily ever after, and died in one day …” And there was no lonely old age, filled with dreams of the past, or deep wisdom in accepting the present.

But at the same time, self-sufficiency does not at all imply loneliness. You can walk through life on your own two feet in a pleasant company. Do not confuse addiction with a mutually beneficial relationship. And do not confuse self-sufficiency with its beautiful artificial image, which is so often used to cover up your need for someone else’s attention. Proud loneliness is another neuroticism.

Measure of meaning

happiness in relationshipsProjections are one of the main topics of progressman.ru. Sometimes in consultations I give an analogy where the meaning of life is something like a set of happy slides that are projected onto reality. When meaning is projected onto many objects and events, the loss of one of them does not pose a big threat – there are others. When all the semantic slides are directed at a single image of the external universe, excessive significance is given to it, and a mental swing begins – from one extreme to another – no peace of mind.

Similar experiences happen not only because of falling in love, but in any case when a high stake is placed on something unreliable – be it a career, a hobby, or potentially joyful events – you can make a painful lottery out of any phenomenon. That is, when happiness is expected under some specific conditions, any threat of deviation from these conditions causes mental anguish.

Likewise, being carried away by ideas about enlightenment, one can easily plunge into expectations of concrete results of development and satisfaction. Meanwhile, enlightenment is a life without expectations – without rates and ranks, which already suits in the very form in which it is happening right now.

Expecting happiness is an oxymoron. But a person does not know how to live completely without hopes. It’s all about a realistic view of the world. We can expect and guess, realizing that life will still do it in its own way – no better and no worse, but keeping the natural course of things. But if you listen exclusively to your own hopes, even a sweet cake that has not passed the filter of personal anticipation will seem tasteless and even bitter. And only openness to the eternally new reality emerging here and now allows you to enjoy its taste. In general, there is a “Zen” here, when you act, keeping calm, hoping without hope, and sharing your path with companions without leashes, cages and handcuffs.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Happiness for man
  • Love and relationships: on the surface and deep
  • Affection under the mask of love
  • Falling in love and subconsciousness
Online dating - how to turn virtual happiness into real one?

Online dating – how to turn virtual happiness into real one?

Online dating – how to turn virtual happiness into real one?

Most people are embarrassed to meet in reality. Parks, cafes, clubs – it would seem that everything is so simple, but, alas, sometimes it is incredibly difficult to step over modesty and constraint. And the fear of rejection does not give confidence. Someone simply does not go to the right places, and it is not at all for the girls to come up first. How to be in a situation when loneliness is already unbearable, but nothing can be changed?


Photo: Depositphotos

For this, Internet dating sites have long been invented. Most people snort contemptuously when they hear about another service. It is not surprising, because often at the first visit, a flurry of spam, intimate offers and photos, messages from matchmakers falls on the user. It immediately becomes clear that you cannot find your love in such a place. And besides, it is difficult to find an interesting interlocutor out of thousands of users who shares your views on life.

The new generation of sites for singles is distinguished by a high degree of control over spammers, matchmakers and aggressive users, and also involves searching not only by standard parameters, such as age, gender, attitudes towards smoking or alcohol. For example, on linkyou.ru you can “weed out” candidates by profession, religion and even nationality filter. You just start a questionnaire, choose the necessary conditions and get a list of possible candidates.


Having decided on the choice of a dating site and posting a profile, try to develop tactics, thanks to which easy virtual communication will successfully turn into a serious, and quite real, relationship.


Install photothat reflect your real appearance as much as possible. In an effort to please the vending user, many often post someone else’s, or their “improved” photos in Photoshop. As a result, overestimated expectations are formed on the other side of the screen, and when the long-awaited meeting comes, disappointment is inevitable. It is better to find someone to whom you will become dear without retouching and correction.

Trust but verify… Alas, the world is full of scammers, and it is not always possible to protect each user from them. You should not, in the heat of feelings, transfer your funds to the interlocutor, provide personal data and bank card numbers, send copies of documents. Even if he asks very much and swears to everything he can, looks innocent and convincing, be aware that there is a great risk of loss and savings and feelings.

Feel free to search information about the interlocutor on third-party resources. Search engines provide data not only for a text query – you can use the “image search” by uploading a photo of your correspondence partner. Before the first meeting, it’s a good idea to call in a video chat, so you will surely be sure that the person’s appearance matches his avatar.

Be yourself… Try to communicate sincerely, do not try to please by portraying the ideal life partner, sharing every look of your partner. Sooner or later, your communication will be transferred to the material world, where the discrepancy between the romantic image from the network and the real figure will inevitably cause the collapse of all dreams.

Be mindful of the little things… From the very first reports, it is often easy to identify professional “pick-up artists”, prostitutes, matchmakers, perverts. Too cheeky tone, clichés and patterns, inappropriate humor – all this is a very likely sign that the interlocutor has no serious intentions. Try to trust your intuition, use the methods of Sherlock Holmes – analyze virtual letters, their spelling and punctuation, emoticons. Do not close your eyes to annoying or unpleasant moments – believe me, in life these corners will sharpen more.

Fill out the form as accurately and completely as possible… You may not have to look for a partner – happiness will knock on the door by itself. More precisely, in private messages. The more information in the questionnaire, the higher the likelihood of getting a message from the ideal partner.

Try it, you might get lucky!
Try it, you might get lucky!
Photo: Depositphotos

Do not put pressure on the interlocutorinsisting on seeing you soon. Even if you think you are the perfect match, the person on the other side of the monitor may still have doubts. Some people need more time to take serious steps; excessive pressure can only frighten off the candidate they like.

Be calm about failure… On the Internet, as in life, gaps between interlocutors are possible. Try to take everything philosophically – if the connection is broken, then this is simply not your person. Try again, on the portal of thousands of people, there will definitely be someone who will make you happy!

Although many people, when they hear about online dating, snort contemptuously, there are a great many couples on earth that have developed thanks to such sites. Try and you, what if you get lucky?



Article published in 04/04/2017

Updated 07.22.

How to find your happiness on the Internet?  Virtual love story

How to find your happiness on the Internet? Virtual love story

How to find your happiness on the Internet? Virtual love story

How long can you walk in girls? Spring is all around, couples on the benches are squeezing, you alone with your books and pieces of paper! Lena, you are already twenty-seven, it’s time to find your soul mate!Lena sighed heavily and deleted the message in Odnoklassniki. Mom managed to get her even two thousand kilometers away. There was no desire to answer.


Photo: Depositphotos

“And what can you answer here?” – thought our heroine, – “What is she right? That the dusty archive of the central library has replaced my personal life? Who needs me. People first pay attention to appearance, and only then look inside. Not that Lena was scary, she just had absolutely nothing special – calm brown eyes, framed by unremarkable eyelashes and eyebrows, a straight, slightly snub nose, lips with a bow. The usual figure, the usual hairstyle on unpainted brown hair … too ordinary to compete for the handsome and smart.

The tablet quietly squeaked, announcing the message that had arrived again. Lena had an irresistible desire to roll her eyes. Except for my mother, hardly anyone could write. Well, of course…

“You abandoned yourself! Has ceased to take care of herself! You dress like a gray mouse, immediately run home from work, and again rummage through the damn papers! It’s time to find yourself a normal guy! By the way, sex, from the point of view of health, is inalienable … ”

The girl sighed and closed the browser. She stared into the mirror hanging on the opposite wall. Mom was right about everything. After several unsuccessful attempts to find herself a gentleman, she closed herself off and stopped trying, and also stopped painting, dressing normally and began to slouch.

Previously, she was invited to parties where there were a lot of guys, but, unfortunately, they were only interested in the curvaceous forms of her girlfriends and their silly drunken laughter. Clever girls frightened off “clubbers”, besides, Lena did not use intoxicants, therefore, to her, a sober and boring “gray mouse”, all these events were, to put it mildly, disgusting.

Over time, both events and girlfriends have sunk into oblivion. In principle, there was no male in the library, and the one that was, did not come to flirt.

She did not know how to make acquaintances on the streets. For one single time, I decided to talk to the guy I liked at the bus stop. He looked at her with a timid smile, but for some reason he did not come up. Lena decided: “I was – I wasn’t”, straightened her soft chestnut curl and had already taken a step towards the meeting, when a pretty blonde emerged next to the candidate and threw herself on his neck. After that, the desire to meet on the streets disappeared.

Lena sighed heavily and went to bed. She dreamed that she had grown old and was sitting in a wheelchair, surrounded by a bunch of meowing cats, and calling for help … knowing that no one would come, that she had no one. Life stretched out in a gray strip of gloomy loneliness, in which there was no salutary warmth of human feelings, there were only at once disgusted books, suffocating dusty archival documents and dead silence …

She woke up, sitting up jerkily on the bed, feeling her heart beating wildly, giving off a discordant rumble to her whiskey. “Damn my mom with her advice for the coming sleep!” – Cursing angrily, Lena walked into the kitchen, shivering from the coolness of the night. It was still dark outside the window.

Pouring hot tea, she slowly turned on her laptop and opened a browser, deciding to distract herself by reading some not too abstruse article on rare books. Books were her passion and her life.

“And how could they get disgusted? A stupid dream, a stupid one, ”she persuaded herself like a little child, but the feeling of horror from the coming loneliness in the company of the feline did not let her go. “Well, what is twenty-seven years? Nonsense, I’ll have time yet! Surely not only I am still alone among the graduates. We ought to check. ”

“Odnoklassniki” happily squeaked two unread ones. Mom wrote that it was time to pull myself together and open up towards new adventures: “Dating sites have long been invented for such timid girls like you. On loverating.ru you will find a list of all the decent services. Register and find yourself the same bibliophile. Love books together! And I will finally nurse my grandchildren! ”

Lena chuckled. Based on my mother’s tone, there’s no choice. We’ll either have to look for a groom, or go to the ends of the world from her reproaches. But sites
dating? She, a candidate of literary sciences, to look for a guy on the Internet?

Odnoklassniki gave sad statistics – absolutely all of her school friends had families, posted bright photos of happily smiling children hugging friendly mums and dads.

Lena took in more air in her lungs and clicked on the first dating service in the rating list. Having chosen the desired age and profession of the partner, she suddenly saw him. The guy I wanted to approach at the bus stop! Apparently, the pretty blonde did not stay in his life, but he turned out to be the same “bibliophile” – an employee of one of the largest publishing houses in Russia. With a shaking hand, she clicked the write message icon. And hovered over the keyboard.

“And what will I write to him? Hey, did we see each other at the bus stop six months ago? Oh, are you a bookworm too? Crap. Well, why did I even go to this site? ” – Irritably slamming the lid of the laptop, Lena went to bed, not even finishing her tea.

This time the phone vibrated. Half asleep, she grabbed him and, closing one eye, looked at the display. Received a notification about successful registration and … about a new message! Excitedly throwing off the blanket, the girl jerkily grabbed the smartphone more comfortably. It was a message from the same guy, Kirill. “This is a dream! I’m probably dreaming! ”- flashed through my brain.

“Hello! It seems to me that we have already met somewhere … I just can’t remember where. Maybe at some conference on literature? ” It instantly dawned on her that the profile picture had been taken the very day they crossed paths in this big city. “Accidents are not accidental” – Lena smiled and convulsively tapped on the phone screen.

They talked all night long, endlessly discussing books, poets, writers, switching to their own interests, stories about themselves, about the world around them. He was not only cute and smart, but also understood her perfectly. After parting in order to get ready for work, Lena fluttered to the mirror and found herself not slouching anymore. There were no signs of sleepless nights and fatigue. She was overwhelmed by the absolute
unlimited happiness. Immediately from the forgotten dressing table a box with cosmetics appeared …

“Lena! When will you come to me! Arseny Kirillovich does not know his grandmother at all, but he was born thanks to me! ” Mom unceremoniously woke her up with a vibrating smartphone. Lena got out of the warm embrace of her sleeping husband and smiled happily as she typed in the text: “Thank you, mommy! Wait for us at the weekend. Love you”.



Article published in Issue 3/05/2017



Dopamine is the hormone in the pursuit of happiness

Why is there no continuous happiness?
Why are euphoria and thrills dangerous?
How do we do mental masturbation?
What do falling in love and drug withdrawal have in common?

Almost every one of us believes in achieving true ultimate happiness. Such a psychological jackpot. Even the most sober and adults, at heart, hope for a fabulous life.

Some expect to get into a fairy tale for money – they say you just need to earn money and buy yourself paradise. Others are betting on great achievement and recognition. It seems like some prestigious medal, Nobel Prize, or Oscar is enough for ultimate happiness. Still others hope to go to heaven after enlightenment, or at least posthumously. And most often they expect to catch an eternal buzz with the help of love in a relationship.

Almost every lover believes in endless happiness with a lover. Unfortunately, this is not possible. The chemical processes in the brain are arranged in such a way that the continuous high remains only a distant dream of an eternal paradise.

The lover sways on an emotional swing. Either he is on a wave of euphoria, then in decline and depression. It seems to him that the decline can be removed, and the takeoff can be made permanent – and then true happiness in the relationship will begin!

And for this eternal buzz to come, you just need to love each other with all your might! Hollywood happy ending!

With the same success, you can count on an eternal high for a drug addict. It seems like we remove the withdrawal and only euphoria remains.

But the withdrawal cannot be removed anywhere. Here we run into the boundaries of our brain.

The fact is that when you fall in love, the same chemical processes occur in the brain as after taking cocaine: a surge of energy, euphoria, increased motivation, up to obsession.

It’s all on the wave – as long as the cocaine works. And on the decline: insomnia, impotence, irritability, anxiety, depression. Drug-free life becomes colorless and tasteless.

The same thing happens when falling in love, when euphoria is replaced by depression. This is how the dopamine hormone acts on the brain.

Dopamine

Dopamine is a hormone of desire. Dopamine energizes, literally makes you get carried away and persistently achieve your goal – remember the dedication of lovers.

You don’t want to eat, you don’t want to sleep, attentiveness increases. Dopamine, as it were, promises the achievement of happiness – and you feel a high anticipation.

Drugs and falling in love overload receptors in the brain. The brain quickly gets used to a new level of high and demands it. And everyday joys are no longer pleasing at all – you become insensitive to them.

Therefore, when you fall in love, you are possessed by the beloved, and the rest of life seems meaningless. The brain asks you to press the dopamine lever – and all thoughts revolve around the beloved.

It’s the same with drug addicts. Only sharper. When the brain learns the dopamine jump, it doesn’t want anything else.

Guilty pleasure

Now I will describe the most dangerous property of dopamine euphoria. Do not be intimidated by clever terms, I will explain as simply as possible.

During euphoria, the brain seems to decide that there is too much dopamine, so it reduces its production and reduces the number of receptors that respond to dopamine (this is called the reward system). This is what makes you increase the dose in order to get the same effect.

To understand, imagine that your stomach has increased after yesterday’s gluttony and now the usual portion seems to be too small. In addition, the cook decided that you were already well fed and began to put you half as much.

That is, the appetite has increased, and the portion has decreased. Yesterday’s amount of happiness is not enough for you to be satisfied today. So after all, the happiness itself has become less! And breaking begins.

It happens when we get hooked on the thrill. Obsessive love, perversion, pornography, promiscuous sex, drugs, gambling.

Dopamine Lever

You’ve probably heard about the famous experiment that James Olds and Peter Milner performed on rats – this is almost a classic. They stuck electrodes into the rodents’ brains. The rat pressed the lever and stimulated the center of pleasure for itself. Up to 8000 times per hour.

The rat was losing interest in everything. She ignored food, female, danger, and only stung the lever until she was exhausted.

Dopamine gave the rats no satisfaction. He only promised it. The rat pressed the lever because it felt that it was about to get what it wanted. As a result, I just fell exhausted.

Doesn’t it look like anything?

Shopping, surfing the Internet, TV shows, games are the most innocent ways to train a person to pull the dopamine lever.

We have learned to deceive nature. Most of the public entertainment is this kind of brain masturbation. We watch movies – and other people’s stories replace our own lives. We use flavor enhancers – and artificial food replaces natural food. We watch porn – and someone else’s passion replaces our healthy relationship.

We hit the dopamine lever over and over as we crawl on social media. It seems that you are about to find something interesting. But you don’t find anything special, and after an hour you feel devastated.

We press on it a little harder and more persistently when we consume alcohol, caffeine and nicotine.

We obsessively press the dopamine lever when in love. Against the background of euphoria, everything becomes meaningless. Friends, work, hobbies – dopamine obsession devalues ​​everything.

And the greatest danger is drugs. They directly steal joy from the rest of life.

You can do it in moderation: games, internet, shopping.
Undesirable: caffeine, nicotine, alcohol.
Dangerous: obsessive love, fanaticism.
Deadly: drugs.

Historical reference:

When Coca-Cola appeared in 1885, it contained cocaine in its composition – this explains its name “Coca-Cola”. And only 20 years later in the United States passed the law “On the purity of food and medicine.” And then cocaine was taken out of Coca-Cola. Innocent caffeine remained as a stimulant.

Today’s article is a synopsis of a recent video. Images to the text from the same place.

Depressive maniacs

Another example of uneven dopamine intake is bipolar disorder, or manic-depressive psychosis. On the wave – manic, on the decline – depressive. This is a state when euphoria seizes, you are obsessed with something, and then the wave passes and there is devastation and depression.

You get the same thing after taking drugs. The same thing happens when you are in love. All symptoms of manic-depressive psychosis.

In a blog on progressman.ru I wrote an article on this topic called “Mental recessions.”

Nonduality

Manic-depressive love can be contrasted with calm mature love. There we feel unity and stable quiet joy without any breakdowns and breakdowns. This long-term relationship is accompanied by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.

Here we will pay tribute to the ancient oriental teachings. Almost all of them say how dangerous it is to swing the pendulum of dualistic experiences. Call for moderation and nonduality. Buddha himself preached the middle way.

Dopamine in moderation is essential for everyone. He makes life interesting, invigorates and encourages to achieve their goals. Dopamine is a reward for everyday achievement.

Everything is good in moderation, right?

Dopamine fasting

Nowadays, the practice is gaining popularity – dopamine fasting. A kind of hormonal fast. It takes a couple of days to restrict yourself from all the ways to get a quick dopamine boost. These days will have to be lived in a bummer state. You no longer stuff yourself with savory food, social media, sex, masturbation, caffeine, alcohol, nicotine.

And then the ability to enjoy the little things of the present moment gradually returns. Books, work, simple food, communication – colors return to life.

Be attentive to your condition. Don’t chase the thrill. Be moderate!

Igor Satorin

In the meantime, there is no need to worry about it. ”