Female jealousy

Are there any such concepts as “female” and “male” jealousy? Yes, there is. How do they differ from each other?

We talked about men in the last article. This time we will figure out what “female jealousy” is.

Women’s jealousy is always fear. Fear of loss, fear of loneliness.

And if a man blames his wife for treason, then for a woman, on the contrary, the root of all troubles is a rival bitch. After all, the fear of being alone is stronger than pain and resentment. It is more convenient to think that the beloved has simply “stumbled”, “succumbed to the cunning charms” of the lovemaker. Then you can not break off relations, cry and forgive, and betrayal will become a lever of manipulation – “I endure so much, I suffer, I forgive!”

Unlike male jealousy, female jealousy is based on emotion, not sex. For women, physical infidelity is not as overwhelming as it is for men. Well changed and changed – they are all like that.

For the weaker half, it is much more scary when a man admires the other, shows attention and care. This is a tragedy and betrayal.

Nevertheless, women are more likely to forgive cheating. After all, building a new relationship from scratch is long and scary, and if there is also a material dependence on a partner, the chance to start a new life seems to be zero.

3 types of women prone to jealousy

1. Insecure

This is the most common type of jealous woman. She doubts that she is worthy of her man. Low self-esteem, self-doubt, hurt self-esteem – this is the perfect soil to grow not a beautiful flower of love, but a thorny cactus of jealousy.

2. The daughter of a jealous mom

This jealousy “comes from childhood.” All her life, the girl saw before her eyes an example of a mother who always suspects her father of intrigues. And he simply does not represent another model of behavior.

3. Owner

“Don’t touch – mine!” In this case, jealousy extends not only to potential rivals. Both the mother-in-law and female colleagues fall under the skating rink of possessiveness – in general, everyone who at least somehow pretends to the time and attention of a loved one.

Top 5 reasons for female jealousy:

  • An inferiority complex (“How can you love me like this?”).

  • Injured pride (“I am neglected, even the computer is more important than me!”).

  • Hypertrophied sense of ownership (“This is MY man, he belongs to me!”).

  • Fear of losing the “breadwinner” (“Children need a father, I can’t do it alone!”).

  • Copying the model of behavior of the parental family.

Pathological jealousy cannot seal a relationship. Destroy – yes. And very quickly and easily. And you must be aware that if you have contracted this virus – that’s it, the countdown has started in the relationship. So ask yourself: “Why do I want to destroy my family?” It’s time to get rid of this ailment before the trouble happens.

How to deal with jealousy

Answer yourself honestly to the question: “What made me defend so actively?”

After all, jealousy is always a defense, sometimes hysterical, sometimes aggressive, sometimes passive.

“What am I really afraid of?”

Losing material goods or being alone?

And most importantly – learn to love yourself!

Any woman wants to be the only one, special for her man. But! If we do not love and value ourselves, if we do not admire ourselves, then how can we evoke these feelings in a loved one? And reproaches, suspicions, scandals begin.

Learn to be proud of yourself, enjoy your virtues. Confident women are not jealous.

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,

psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations

and family constellations

Jealousy and love

When clients come with a jealousy problem, I see the same picture. Apparently, jealousy in general for everyone follows a similar pattern. It rests on two supports. The first – the main one – is the thirst for possession. The second is the fear of being deceived by a fool. There is a third – less common – to have the right to judge and punish the “guilty” partner. This mixture of fear, anger and condemnation is called jealousy. And sometimes, sadly, love.

They say that he is jealous, that means he loves. Do you think so too? If you believe that your partner loves because he is jealous, it’s time to think – what, in fact, do you call love? Addiction and control? Or maybe aggression and fear? Good “love”! And then people are surprised: “Why is he me so …” Loves “…”

Jealousy as the lust for possession

This is the most common type. love jealousy. It is caused by happy anticipations and hopes that are pinned on a partner. This can be imagined as a tunnel of the future, which a jealous person drew in his head. In this tunnel, he happily anticipates a concrete, pleasing life with his partner. And now, when the partner’s behavior does not correspond to these expectations, or even worse – destroys them, then from the fear of losing an invented future, the jealous person gets angry and capricious – that is, jealous.

Simply put, here jealousy is the unwillingness to lose “our” partner, the unwillingness to meet the unknown and therefore frightening future. Such fear covers most of all the dependent and inferior non-self-sufficient people – those who do not know how to rely on themselves in this life.

Such dependence is not necessarily material. It can manifest itself much more dramatically on a psychic level. That is, even a person who is financially secure may turn out to be “needy” and dependent – and therefore jealous in terms of the soul, which is used by all kinds of gigolos and kept women, manipulating the jealousy of their victim.

This also includes the unwillingness to meet their own fears of loneliness and lack of demand. If such have settled in the soul, jealousy can work smoothly, absorbing a significant part of personal strength. In practice, in order to somehow patch up the threats from their own fears, the jealous person throws tantrums and tries to control the partner.

In such situation brain blow jealousy is an attempt to force a partner to “love” – ​​that is, to continuously serve the fears of a jealous person – eternal proof that he has no reason to be afraid of loneliness and his uselessness. From here, a sense of ownership grows, prompting you to make a loyal and obedient property out of your partner.

The question “Do you love me?” – this is essentially a request, or even a demand from a jealous person to appease his self-doubt. Even sex can interest a jealous person only as an opportunity to feel needed.

Jealousy as the fear of being deceived by a fool

Jealousy and love This type of jealousy is the fear of humiliation. The jealous person seems to have a presentiment that the traitor-partner, having entered into a conspiracy with his lover, makes a burdock out of the jealous person, deceives him and secretly mocks him. And now, anticipating such a humiliating attitude towards himself, the jealous man, in order to protect his dignity, arranges for the accused a personal Armageddon.

Well, a jealous person would know for sure that his partner is cheating on him and would be angry “justly”. But this type of jealousy is blinding. A jealous person is ahead of events, and in order not to be deceived by a burdock, he ascribes to himself omniscience – they say, he cannot be deceived – he is so smart and perceptive. It is not necessary for him to even interrogate his victim, you can immediately start with accusations.

At first, such jealousy can even please the innocent side – it seems like they “love”, since they are jealous. Until it comes to hysterics, tyrannical control, or even assault. They say that “love” is cruel?

In advanced cases, the desire to expose the “deception” by exposing the traitor can become a passion and even the meaning of one’s entire life. A jealous person invests in his obsessions to the fullest, and in order to justify the investment, he tries to catch a partner cheating in any unthinkable situation. Each absurdity can be in the eyes of a jealous person an indisputable “proof” of the deceitfulness of a partner.

Otherwise, one would have to admit that all this time the jealous man was making himself a deceived fool, because all his accusations are most often self-deception and tyranny. But he is not ready to admit these facts and calm down. It is easier for him to insist on his righteousness for the rest of his life, and to believe that he is a lonely hero defending justice. And no one will outsmart him. Because nobody needs it. He’s fooling himself anyway.

At the same time, the jealous person stubbornly refuses to take responsibility for his experiences. Supposedly it is not he himself who is jealous, throwing sparks, but he is cruelly tortured, forcing him to be jealous. And therefore, a jealous man with intoxicated stubbornness makes his partner to blame for his own torment, expecting him to pay back soon for all the torments he has endured. In such a relationship, a jealous person becomes a cruel tyrant, ruthlessly condemning and punishing his “loved ones”.

Does anyone else want to call jealousy love? BUT?

Jealousy as distrust

There is a widespread belief that jealousy is caused by distrust. But for me, explaining jealousy with distrust in this way is like blaming the very fact of enclosed spaces for your own claustrophobia. Both confined spaces and mistrust are neutral phenomena, but the fears that are wound around them are unstable and subjective.

And not every jealousy is accompanied by distrust. After all, they are jealous not only of rivals, but also of work and hobbies, children and cats – anything that distracts the desired attention from the jealous person. And if a person, in general, is prone to jealousy, for his mistrust and reasons are not required. Paranoia “magically” creates them out of nothing.

Another stereotype about jealousy convinces that the jealous person is jealous, because he is cheating – they say, he judges by himself and ascribes his infidelity to his partner. That is, based on this logic, all the distrustful are deceivers, and the gullible simpletons are honest people. Such a relationship, if it can be traced, then with great stretch. A jealous person is not necessarily prone to betrayal, and a party confident in a partner’s reliability can calmly “walk to the left”. As a person by occupation, communicating with people heart to heart, I fully confirm this fact.

On progressman.ru, a number of recent articles have been devoted to the topic of neuroses and neurotics. There I spoke in detail about the fact that there are simply no psychologically healthy people in our society. At least for this reason, there is no point in being ashamed of your own jealousy. Almost all of us are such “loving” jealous people.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Affection under the mask of love
  • Loyalty, betrayal and open relationships
  • Should we love

5 faces of jealousy

The Spanish playwright Lope de Vega wrote:

Love is, of course, heaven, but the garden of paradise
Jealousy often turns you into hell.

But the reflections of the French philosopher Denis Diderot: “Jealousy is the passion of a wretched, stingy animal afraid of loss …”

Agree, we are all a little jealous. In moderate doses, it is not fatal for love. But there is such jealousy that destroys everything bright in a relationship: respect, trust and, in the end, love.

We will talk about the varieties of such painful jealousy today.

Classification of jealousy in psychology

Jealousy from oppression

This is the lot of people with low self-esteem. “I am so-and-so, stupid, unsuccessful, unlucky …”

Of course, such a person does not consider himself worthy of love. If he is lucky to meet someone, then this is perceived as an accident, a misunderstanding. After all, absolutely any person is better than him! Unhappy all the time in anticipation of an imminent break in relations. When will the partner leave him? Today? Tomorrow?

Painful sensitivity, excessive vulnerability, almost manic suspiciousness – these are the main characteristics of “oppressed” jealous people.

Possessive jealousy

The motto of such a relationship: “I love you, so you are mine!”

The partner is perceived as property. And all the time and strength, emotions and mental impulses of the partner-“thing” should be directed exclusively to the “owner”. Looking at a member of the opposite sex is a priori treason.

Most often, an emotionally cold, power-hungry, stubborn person who respects only himself is playing the role of “master”.

Tyrannical jealousy

This is a harsher version of the “owner”. (But don’t take masculine literally: the female tyrant also plays this role with great success.)

Jealous motto: “If not in my opinion, then in any way!”

The tyrant is smug and selfish. The only true picture of the world is his own, and he despises everyone who does not fit into it.

As a rule, such people are obsessed with “re-educating” their partner, breaking him “for themselves.” And if the tyrant notices the cooling of feelings, then there is only one explanation – treason. To prove something in this case is unrealistic, to justify it is impossible. He hears no one but himself. In addition, a jealous person is sincerely and firmly convinced that he is almost a god (well, certainly perfection), and any problem in a relationship is the partner’s fault. In such a relationship, the beloved either escapes, suffering huge moral and emotional losses, or becomes a slave.

Instilled jealousy

If a person has heard all his life that “All men go to the left”, but “Women only dream of instructing their husbands horns”, or even he himself witnessed a parental drama, when one of them was convicted of treason – we are faced with a potential jealous person, because this attitude is deeply embedded in the subconscious.

Reflected jealousy

Most often it occurs among those who themselves are not averse to having fun on the side. Confidence that “All people are the same”, plus the desire to justify themselves in their own eyes – and now there is another mechanism for the formation of jealousy. Moreover, sometimes it is not even treason, but only the thought of it, the desire to try on this role becomes a match for inciting jealousy.

Being jealous or living with a jealous person are both bleak options.

Pain, resentment, disappointment – that’s all that remains of love, burned out by jealousy. It would seem that it’s easier than ever to live and enjoy with your loved one. Today… Not yesterday, when you were alone, not tomorrow, when you may part, but today, when you are together. It turns out that for many it is insanely difficult. But probably. And this is a great spiritual work.

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

Male jealousy

Have you ever heard the saying “jealousy is the salt of love”? And no one disputes that a drop of jealousy gives a taste to feelings. Only jealousy in feelings, like salt in a dish, should be a pinch! Otherwise, both good food and high feelings simply fly into the trash!

Both men and women are jealous equally often. However, the nature of jealousy, oddly enough, has gender differences.

Woman most often regards real or perceived betrayal as betrayal by the closest person, and the physical side of the issue is of secondary importance (“What difference does it make – slept or not slept, if you think about her, you want to be with her!” etc.). A man, first of all, suffers from physical betrayal. That is, male jealousy in most cases is based on sex, while female jealousy is based on emotions.

We will return to the issue of female jealousy in the next article, and today our goal is to deal with the jealousy of the strong half.

Let’s start, as they say, ab ovo – “from the egg,” that is, from childhood. Any baby, regardless of gender, is jealous of the mother.

A grown-up jealous person will unleash his resentment, anger and disappointment on the woman, and the opponent will get only crumbs of emotions.

Let’s remember the classics:

  • Othello strangles Desdemona with his own hands, and entrusts his rival, Cassio, to his friend Iago (in the end, Desdemona is dead, Cassio is alive).

  • Karandyshev in “Bridannytsya” with a shout “So don’t get it to anyone!” kills Larisa, but he has no idea to deal with Paratov or whoever he suspects there.

  • Rogozhin in the immortal “Idiot” stabs Nastasya Filippovna (well, here, of course, jealousy for the whole world, not only for Prince Myshkin, but no one except his beloved is killed in the end!), And a short time later he sheds tears for your great love.

As the saying goes – that’s all you need to know about male jealousy (just kidding!).

In male jealousy, the sexual principle always dominates. It is physical betrayal that hurts a man the most! If a woman has moved away, emotionally attached to another, yes, in the end, she directly speaks of love for another, but without physical betrayal, this almost justifies her in the eyes of her beloved.

The man is terribly afraid of becoming a cuckold. This is the fear of being humiliated by another man, being an insolvent lover, being funny in the eyes of others …

Moreover, in most cases, a man blames not himself for real or perceived betrayal, but the woman or others. And the biggest jealous people are self-centered egoists.

Some types of male jealousy

Jealous owner

“My woman is my property!” Since patriarchal times, a man has become accustomed to absolute power over a woman. Total control and restriction of freedom make it possible to reduce the number of potential rivals to almost zero. Needless to say, the life of a woman with such a partner is just hell! Any little thing – bright makeup, a five-minute delay, coffee gatherings with a friend (and if, God forbid, it won’t be coffee, but wine) – can provoke a multi-day conflict.

Abandoned man

Such a person is afraid to step on a familiar rake. He has already been abandoned for the sake of another, and he is maniacally looking for signs of impending (or happened) betrayal. In this situation, you can understand a jealous person, but it will take a long time and painstakingly to deal with his fears, and both …

Jealous Manipulator

For many men, jealousy is also a method of manipulation. The man is the head, the owner, the breadwinner. But if you can’t match these statuses, you can improve your self-esteem at the expense of the woman. After all, constant suspicions sooner or later develop in the “victim” a sense of guilt. And a partner who feels guilty in front of you is so easy to manipulate!

Pathological, off-scale jealousy has not brought peace and harmony to anyone else. But there are many couples destroyed by jealousy.

Advice! Limit your alcohol intake.

It is under “wine pairs” that a man is inclined to bring his own speculations to the point of absurdity. And it even happens to instill decency in his half with the help of fists.

Sometimes a man himself is not happy to live in the role of Othello, every minute expecting to earn the title of “cuckold”. But how to deal with yourself? Of course, the best and most effective way is to see a psychologist. But … To admit to oneself in one’s own problems is the lot of a very strong personality. Not everyone is ready to take such a decisive step. OK. Try to start small. Read the literature on this topic, analyze your behavior and consider your own perspectives, can you cope with your jealousy on your own?

3 Reasons to Cure Jealousy:

1. Medical statistics

Research data clearly show that jealous people are more likely to have heart and vascular problems. But if you are not sorry for 10-15 years of your life – then, of course, keep playing Othello.

2. Frightening prospects

Think about what the future holds for you. Are you sure that your half will withstand constant suspicion and nagging? Hardly. As a result, on the verge of old age, you will find yourself alone.

And, by the way, children in pairs, where the husband terrorizes his wife, is almost always on the mother’s side, and communication with the father is minimized. How do you like this prospect?

3. A beautiful woman is not part of your image

If you regard your soul mate as a good investment, a beautiful rim of a successful man, like an expensive watch or a yacht, be prepared that your environment will look at it the same way (while it is logical to assume that such value would be nice to have).

If your woman is dear to you not only as a beautiful wrapper, show respect for her.

Male jealousy is an obsession with infidelity, a painful expectation that a loved one will find better, more beautiful, sexier. This is a constant fear of what others will say and think, the fear of being funny.

It is clear that one cannot build any bright future with such baggage. Simply because in a relationship there is no place for the main things – trust and respect.

It’s better to learn to trust and respect your loved one than to purposefully kill love, isn’t it?

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations