The essence of love

I was thinking of making an article that would summarize what I think about love as such in its various silhouettes. Moreover, the article was planned to be practical, without the lyrical digressions inherent in the topic – like material from a good textbook. But love theme a priori is largely abstract, if not transcendental. And it is logically understandable that we can only talk about indirect laws accompanying this topic. In general, they will be discussed today. The article turned out not so much about neurotic attachment that is relevant for the majority, but about why unconditional love becomes such.

Inner Light

I believe that every person has his own path, his own psychic hell and paradise, his own lessons and achievements. All this is already there – in the unconscious layers of the psyche. Therefore, self-development is reduced to self-knowledge. We do not invent something new, but allow what is already there to open up. Here I just want to remind you that our experiences are only our experiences, and not some external events and objects. We just release our way from within. And here it is worthwhile to understand and understand by what principle some people are indifferent to us, while others, on the contrary, cause lively and “juicy” mental reactions.

There was already an article on the site where I called falling in love my own inner beauty of a lover – a kind of inner diamond that he projects onto another person. This psychic diamond is blocked by various fears, but under certain conditions it can quickly awaken and shine, making the attention enthusiastically active, as if something extremely important is happening at this moment. And indeed it is. A very important thing happens – a witness of the life happening to us wakes up inside us, that very psychic “contraption” thanks to which we feel alive. Her awakening is the true goal of all spiritual seekers who squander years in contemplative meditation precisely in order to push their mind out of sleep and activate this silent spectator.

But the man in the street, eternally inclined to self-deception and mental manipulation, mistakenly takes his inner light for the outer one, and begins to believe that it comes from external forms in the presence of which it manifested itself. This is how our favorite things and loved ones appear in our lives.

The light of the psychic diamond is, without exaggeration, the light of life itself within us. This is the “sensation” of being, in which all phenomena occur. On this topic, already has a number of articles under the tag “Atman”.

In everyday life, we can state the manifestation of this light by the level of our spontaneous awareness. The intensity of awareness of life here and now depends on the degree of blocking of the psychic diamond. It already exists in our psyche in an integral form, but it is blocked by those experiences that in everyday life we ​​refuse to accept. Most often these experiences are contradictory and painful. And when the inner light shines brighter, along with it “suppressed material” rises to the surface, through which the brilliance of a diamond breaks through. Therefore, self-knowledge is a difficult path, associated with the inevitable cleansing of consciousness from the dump of internal contradictions.

You may have already guessed what I mean by the essence of love. Unconditional love is pure acceptance, a contemplative consciousness that freely conducts all impressions through itself. The psychic diamond is the “territory” of acceptance deeply “inside” our psychic environment.

Dependency of conditional love

loveAnd love becomes concrete and conditional from the prism of projections, from the prism of those blocks through which it shines. Therefore, love for the homeland is so dreary, for lovers – weary, for the weak – compassionate (the swype of the android suggested “dollar”), and for entertainment – intoxicating. In this sense, omitting ceremonies, falling in love is mental masturbation.

A typical lover is, in fact, such a vulnerable drug addict, always dependent on the conditions in which he has a high inside. He is like a blind donkey, mechanically following a carrot suspended from his head – only instead of a carrot he has a brain, from the compartments of which he by all means fishes out the eternally desired multiple orgasms.

We are all like that – we are engaged in self-satisfaction, we use each other to open specific lockers of our own psyche. We’re all here making love to our own brains. We are all hooked on scenarios in which such a high acceptance happens to us, like the enlightened ones … Therefore, we miss our beloved people and beautiful things. Beauty is the same diamond inside … “The Kingdom of God is within us …”

We yearn for beauty, because beauty prompts us to be the partakers, the accepting of life in the here and now. Beautiful forms in themselves are just lines, impersonal outlines, the magic of which attracts attention and makes it continuous. At the same time, looking at beauty, something inside opens up and stops blocking the flow of sensations. That is why ascetics spend years in contemplation – simply to learn to let reality pass through themselves regardless of conditions, without resistance, without choice and without doubt. Acceptance is the essence of love.

Inaccessible beauty is painful because it is like a desirable dish that a starving poor man is allowed to breathe without being allowed to taste. The lover feels a hint of freedom and bliss, but much more clearly feels the pain of how this bliss is suppressed inside him. That’s how we working off negative karma we are cleared. At the same time, the desired “dishes” and suffering over their inaccessibility are pure projections of one’s own inability to accept oneself at the current moment of life.

The enlightened, as far as I can tell, love unconditionally, that is, always and everywhere. Love is the essence of enlightenment.

And we – the commoners, made dependent on the eternally stubborn pleasant conditions, are very picky when it comes to our affections. To love ourselves, we use other people, we try to rise and assert ourselves in their eyes, so that, thanks to their love for us, we accept ourselves, feel the buzz – be ourselves … Inner Light”. So we find ourselves in a painful dependence on someone else’s opinion.

In The Mechanical God, I deliberately devote several chapters to this topic. Here are some excerpts:

“I touch her breast, and bliss, piercing my palm, spreads throughout the body, simply because at this very moment my hand is the very acceptance. At this moment, I understand better than anyone else in the world why women hide their beautiful charms – because touching the forbidden fruit raises me above all mortals. To make me feel this divine gift – her power over me. I stroke her body, and I understand why such a titanic cascade of contradictory projections is heaped up around love. “

“… if I accept the person with all her shadows exactly as she is, being accepted in such an all-encompassing way, she can finally relax.”

“When you see a beautiful person, you want to believe that inside he does not have flesh and blood, but a concentrate of divine ambrosia. All of this rests on faith. Falling in love is pure projection, illusion and self-deception, which rests on children’s naive fantasies. With the same success, you can get excited at the sight of a washing machine … Attraction to a living person – self-esteem in its purest form … “

The maturity of unconditional love

By and large, all life’s difficulties come down to the fact that we are here and now resisting our position in reality, and strive for something else, for something that will make life pleasant – that is, suitable for acceptance. This is literally exactly what happens. In some part of the body, almost every person has a continuous “walking” suffering, expressed in dull, and sometimes acute discontent with what is happening.

We do not accept our being in this reality that is happening to us right now, and therefore we strive for the so-called “best”, which, with the power of our hope, looms on the closure of the mind with an orgasmic hint of possible happiness.

And love … love in its very essence is not some sacred “pleasure”, but simple resignation with the very moment in which this life is happening right now. And the fact is that even while loving, we continue to resist life. A specific conditioned kind of love demonstrates exactly where and how we do not accept life, blocking the flow of impressions with those nuances that make unconditional love concrete, aimed at sacrifice object of this our affection “Love”.

The manifestation of unconditional love is a certain kind of maturity of consciousness, capable of accepting what is happening without violence, without trying to remake it, changing it for itself. In this life, it is impossible to master everything, therefore, deep resignation with oneself without beautiful illusions – although not easy, but perhaps the only way to satisfaction with what is happening, does not depend on any conditions.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • The idealization of falling in love and the joy of love
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  • Love and relationships: on the surface and in the depth
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Mutual and non-reciprocal love

If you chase someone else’s approval, life becomes a continuous Procrustean bed, where a person, in fear of not justifying his image, tensely bends into an appropriate approved position and continues to choose any available life scenario, where he is somehow taken in this curved position. And such an existence is universally accepted as something due and right. And it hurts to live like this and it is scary to lose such a life … And people with a twisted psyche walk along their paths, driven a hundred times, and think that the infinity around us is such a dull swamp. Meanwhile, if you are not afraid of criticism and rejections, it becomes clear that life is full of doors with a variety of scenarios. Somewhere they will try to bend us even more for the sake of the local standards and whims. Somewhere we will not like it. And somewhere our person, with their unique qualities, will be able to fit in as well as possible. But to get through this door, it will take the courage to be yourself.

The article turned out to be a little chaotic. I am emphasizing here on relationships, but, in general, the described mechanism can be traced in any activity.

Love and approval

life choiceIt just so happens that we do not really know ourselves and are not sure of our reality, and therefore we draw self-esteem based on someone else’s opinion. If someone doesn’t like it, self-esteem drops. If something does not go well in work and business, the employer does not respect or the clients are dissatisfied, self-esteem again fluctuates. Hands may drop and a bad feeling may come that you are not worthy of anything good. And if this negative assessment comes from significant and loved people, hesitation can go off scale in extremes – from hysterical joy to depressive blues. Where is the truth?

As long as one is confident that happiness is a consequence of universal love and approval, life cannot be happy. This is even logically understandable, because it is impossible to please and please everyone. Such a life is one continuous duality of triumph and self-loathing, filled with cautious neurotic-obsequious behavior.

It is impossible, and not necessary, to please everyone. Just as the actors have their own narrow circle of fans and admirers, so an individual person can be to their liking – their narrow audience. But it’s often unproductive to try to make people like our person who doesn’t like our persona.

An ordinary inconspicuous person with ordinary interests will find much in common among the same ordinary inconspicuous majority. And the more original the interests and views on life, the less mutual understanding with others, but the more valuable it is. Connections between like-minded people with unique interests can be deeper and stronger. This rule works in both friendships and relationships.

But another person in search of a relationship after the first unsuccessful date is ready to give up on himself. It happens as if he does not know himself at all and determines his place in life solely according to someone else’s opinion about this place. In this situation, the very first refusal of love and respect from “significant others” is perceived as a complete collapse of life – a failure in the fate exam, after which a stamp of a defective personality appears on the forehead.

This mechanism works both in informal relationships and in a professional environment. Everywhere and everywhere we are scared to screw up, we want to make every step ideally, as if somewhere behind our little person the heavenly commission is watching, distributing creatures in its heavenly hierarchy – from losers to successful ones.

You don’t have to put any crosses on yourself. If someone doesn’t like our person, there is no great problem. Others have the right to think what they want. Sometimes you have to go through a dozen unsuccessful acquaintances and make a hundred mistakes in order to find something really valuable.

And every “unsuccessful find” – be it an acquaintance or a job – is not some mistake and not at all a symbol of one’s own inferiority. It’s just such a little adventure and a valuable experience. And such events cannot put any real cliches of personal failure.

One caveat should be made here. If the relationship is not going well, it is certainly helpful to analyze the reasons. Very often, personal rudeness, infantilism, unreasonable requests and expectations can really be the cause of failure. And in this vein, it is useful to either talk with a psychologist, or somehow independently reach an understanding of your own delusions.

And if you are at the stage of acquaintance and did not have time to present any requirements, then here most of all worries about your own qualities, right or wrong actions are a waste of energy.

Dislike and rejection

dislikeIdeally, in all potentially long-term informal relationships, from the first meeting, it makes sense to establish contact without any tortured attempts to present yourself in the best light. Your own natural behavior is the perfect filter for real intimacy. The fisherman will see the fisherman from afar.

And if your partner initially does not accept you as is and wants you to improve for him, this is such a “mystical” sign that the person is simply not yours, and no matter how much you want, it will be problematic to improve relations.

Likewise, in your case – to force the partner’s brain, expecting some kind of personal fabulous or type of “real” transformations from him, so that he begins to arrange – this is a capricious egoistic illusion that does not lead to anything worthwhile.

Such requests of partners to each other are, in general, a pathological norm of our society. That is, almost everyone hopes that the partner will somehow grow above himself and improve to please our whims. Actually, that’s why there are so many divorces. The stronger the expectations and hopes that the partner will become better, the faster the relationship comes to collapse.

We really love to hope at random that everything will somehow turn out by itself. We neurotically grab onto a partner who somehow corresponds to ideal fantasies, during the period of falling in love we close our eyes to disagreements, yes, in general, we do not even try to recognize and understand the person next to us – his real views on life and a possible joint future … And then, suddenly, it turns out that the person is generally a stranger, and already joint goodness, and children …

Relationships satisfy the most significant neurotic needs, which is why they hold on so tightly. And if the partner has ceased to satisfy these needs, resentments are poured on him – he suddenly becomes guilty of all the misfortunes only because his behavior went beyond our requirements.

And it seems that everything would be fine and it would be fine if only a person understood that one should behave differently, but a little differently. And it may even be surprising – how is it that the partner himself does not see and understand such simple things ?! As if our person knows the truth, and it only remains to somehow introduce this knowledge into the partner’s head. But in reality, such a “truth” is nothing more than groundless, infantile claims to fate.

The partner has his own “truth” in his head, and he may also not understand why we insist so stubbornly on some of our “idiotic” demands. It is just as difficult for him to bend against his “truth” to please our – from his point of view, stupid claims. On, this topic has already been raised in an article about serious relationships.

When a relationship is filled with demands and claims, then the thrill from them is interspersed with the opposite side – resentment, irritation, jealousy, anxiety. Satisfying expectations is joy, any deviation from them is pain.

And this whole “samsaric” drama began at the very moment when I became scared for my place in this life, when doubts arose – whether our person deserves something good in this reality … Most of all our requirements for fate are implicit an attempt to confirm their own value in the hierarchy of existence.

As long as personal happiness is based on the approval of others, the refusal of love and the subsequent loneliness cause a terrible experience of their own inferiority. And this fear prompts to grab a stranglehold on even an obviously hopeless relationship, so as not to miss at least what is available.

This neurotic grasp, like blinders on the eyes, obscures the view of life’s possibilities. It also deprives lightness, freedom and turns a potentially harmonious connection into another pantomime, where the joy of possession is interspersed with a grimace of oppression and fear of loneliness.

Returning to square one, I repeat: life is full of opportunities. Yes, somewhere they will try to bend us and harness other people’s whims – it is not necessary to take such an attitude at face value. Somewhere we are simply bored. But the choice is never narrowed. All limitations are caused by the fear of making a mistake and feeling your lack of will in the face of unpredictable reality. But something of his own, something valuable, is found only by those who are not afraid to open the doors of the unknown.

© Igor Satorin

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How to define Love or Falling in love: 5 differences between feelings

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How is love different from falling in love? This question is asked by many people. Probably, everyone wants to meet their soul mate, to enter into a marriage, which, as you know, is in heaven, to live with a loved one all his life. But this is not always the case. And a person wonders when he was mistaken, what happened, on what part of the path he turned in the wrong direction. A cocktail of endorphins, hormones of happiness, accompanies both erotic sympathy and true deep feeling. Continue reading “How to define Love or Falling in love: 5 differences between feelings”

Should we love?

We continue to analyze the ideals. Back in September, in order to anticipate the appearance of this article on the site, I created another poll. Topic: “Are we obligated to be compassionate and love others?” “Yes” was answered by 42%, “no” – 58%. Just want to say about one nuance. The fact is that it is much easier to apply reasonable logic for thinking and answering questions than for real actions. Intellectually, most of us seem to understand that love under compulsion does not exist. But even very intelligent people find themselves disarmed in the face of their own irrational feelings. It is one thing to understand with a superficial mind, and quite another to feel from deep unconscious beliefs. And in the depths of his soul, almost everyone keeps the idea that it is necessary to love our person not in a selfish way for something, but just like that – unconditionally.

Think, can we love just like that? And how is it in general – “just like that”? Simply – for nothing, regardless of the conditions and circumstances, personal qualities and achievements, no matter how blissful a person is, no matter how swinish he behaves. Do you know how to love like that? And can such unconditional love be aimed at a specific person?

duty to loveIf love ceases to depend on conditions and circumstances, it also loses attachment to a specific object and becomes love “in general” – without goals and intentions – such an unpretentious and “unintelligible” feeling, which, like space, quietly and resignedly accepts everything in it happens.

A separate article is devoted to this topic on the site. And here I will briefly repeat. As I see it, what is called unconditional love is not even some specific feeling directed at objects, but a natural property of consciousness itself, which freely manifests itself when there is no need to suppress something in life here and now, or somehow compensate. This is pure acceptance, the property of contemplative consciousness, which freely conducts all impressions through itself.

And as long as the mechanisms of psychological defense – suppression and compensation defend the personality from reality, our comfort and our love become rigidly tied to specific conditions and circumstances. Simply put, we do not know how to love just like that! Even babies. A mother loves her child very specifically and quite selfishly for the very qualities that she notices in him. And this is completely normal.

But irrational sentiments disagree with this logic. For them, this psychic pragmatism looks like a cold, unacceptable egoism, as if the only thing that is left to others is how to use our person in a utilitarian way in their own selfish interests.

Examples of

Examples of neurotic loveOn, this topic, which is not easy for our feelings, has already been touched upon in an article about greed in relationships. We believe that friends and loved ones should love just like that. And when we notice that they love us not with such a “holy” love, but for our own benefit for our specific actions, qualities and capabilities, we immediately recognize someone else’s egoism and greed!

In a relationship, the demand for love is becoming an acute problem. Naive partners enter into a relationship so that at least here their person is accepted and gratified, as “it should” – completely and unconditionally. In this situation, “love” itself is taken as a duty to groom and cherish. It seems like, “if you love, you have to …” During the romantic, “candy-bouquet” period, this pressure of claims can be encouraged, misleading partners, as if a childhood dream is finally being fulfilled. But, as soon as passions subside, all excessive encroachments on personal freedom cause only rejection.

The same deeply seated children’s need for free love encourages bending your fingers and inflating with all your might a sense of self-importance, so that people love and respect as it is – for a gift, as if our person is such a wonderful, deserving of all the best baby, who, when they do not love , it only remains how to cry bitterly in order to draw the attention of the adult world to the ongoing “injustice”. Sometimes a personal tragedy like this swells to lifelong proportions.

Infantile dependence, helplessness and self-pity are another layer of problems that they face out of fear of losing the right to unreasonable love and support. How, after all, if you cope with difficulties on your own without complaints and whining, others will see and understand that our person is in order and does not need help. Therefore, we must do our best to depict resentfully how bad everything is, so that others notice this terrible injustice and rush to support and regret.

We will talk about pity separately, probably in the near future.

And the most painful, eternally bleeding wound of society, called “self-doubt” is nothing more than the fear of understanding that there is nothing to love our “beautiful” person for. Therefore, it does not deserve anything other than recycling. Cry, even to the point of being blue in the face. I’m talking now not so much about realities as about the logic of our unconscious, which equates someone else’s disapproval with a mortal threat.

No matter how you inflate your own importance, trying to prove that you are not a camel, all these measures to cover up signs of personal radical “defectiveness” from the “disease” do not cure, but only mask it with a fake ugly image designed to convince everyone, and most importantly, yourself that everything is “OK” and our “charm” deserves love.


benefit of neurotic loveSurprisingly, they can believe in the debt of love all their lives without receiving any real confirmation of the operation of this manipulation. Yes, there are “profitable” sides here. And if you really demand love, then at least with knowledge of the matter, understanding what is happening and what consequences it is fraught with.

You can beg, appeal for compassion, and receive pejorative pity in return. You can press on weakness, be jealous, blame, moralize, and induce guilt and shame in your opponent. You can push aggressively and get forced consent to your demands. And most often, such measures lead to reciprocal hostility and rejection.

And no real love necessarily happens. The obligation to truly love is an oxymoron. “Love” under compulsion is not love, but psychological abuse. Understanding that forced love does not happen does not solve all problems, but it can cut the roots of neuroticism and unravel individual knots of personal “karma”.

Mentioning the “advantageous” aspects of the debt of love, I omitted the main one in order to emphasize it separately. Without this benefit, the entire fake “construction” would not be as strong and durable. The fact is that when the opponent himself believes in the obligation of love, he is able to produce exactly the same effect that creates the false feeling that love by virtue of duty is not only possible, but should be.

In an article about false teachers, I have already described a situation where a deceiver, trying to look better than he is, imitates the image of a master, like an actor in a movie, gradually getting used to the role. He knows what is expected of him, knows what “should” be, and competently takes on his deceitful role. When his game is taken seriously, he himself is inclined to believe that his ostentatious imitation of light feelings is true love!

The same is practiced by any idealist who obeys spiritual or social morality – he plays his role, prompting others to believe in the sincerity of his “custom-made” love, thereby supporting and strengthening the picture of social neurosis. “And God forbid to puncture!” After all, then everyone will understand that there is no love in him, and therefore he is supposedly a “bad” person. What else remains under the pressure of artificial ideals? All that remains is to lie, depicting love, nobility, kindness, generosity. And then you get used to this behavior and begin to believe that this is love.

But real feelings do not go anywhere, but continue to press and break through to the surface inappropriately, undermining the false setting. And an internal conflict begins – neurotic throwings, where the duty of “correct”, obligatory qualities competes with real, natural feelings. If artificial demands win, then the person completely suppresses his living feelings and desires, and alienation from himself begins, leading to deaf depression. Life becomes colorless and gloomy. If desires win, the idealist begins to torture himself for weakness and weakness.

Imagine an angel with cardboard wings and a wire halo trying to convince others and himself that all of his angelic attributes are real. Others play along – they say, “Yes, you are a good person. And me too. We are better than those others who do not wear this masquerade. “

Artificial and natural

natural VS artificialWe are not loved not because of harm and personal whim. We do not love, not because we are “bad”. Feelings are spontaneous and natural. You can suppress them, you can practice some affirmations, trying to inspire yourself with something to which there is no inclination, but deep feelings and beliefs will still break through. On a separate article is devoted to the topic of such a predominance of the deep over the superficial.

Nobody is obliged to love us. And most importantly, we are not obliged to love either. Allowing yourself to have honest, real feelings is like breathing fresh air instead of the suffocating stench of a beautifully decorated gas mask.

The paradox is that it is the requirements that stifle what is born and lives naturally. The artificial inevitably suppresses the natural. Real, sincere feelings are spontaneous, do not yield to dictate, and manifest themselves exactly where they are not subjected to violence by the duty of morality and ethics. Where there is a chance for real love, a duty and a duty to love, this chance is killed.

Do you want love? Be honest and create the conditions for her to grow. Satisfied with false imitation? Then, keep on demanding, pressing on your conscience, or pityingly cajole. But then don’t complain about your partner’s alienation. And do not be surprised that you are mistaken for a capricious child with a crappy character.

Almost no one thinks of subjecting their own requirements to realism. The psychologist here is required, first of all, not to be subject to artificial ideals, to be able to distinguish this lie, and the most difficult thing is to pull the client’s self-deception to the surface and display it visually.

Without the precious right to unreasonable love, life itself may seem devoid of holiday magic, cold and dark chaos. This is an echo of our childhood fears. We are used to receiving attention and love on demand, probably while yelling in the cradle, attracting the attention of our parents. Being responsible, mentally grown up is not easy. But the secondary benefits of infantile pretensions are sometimes far more costly.

© Igor Satorin

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The idealization of falling in love and the joy of love

One of the most beloved stories of Hollywood cinema, in various variations, describes a situation where a callous father forces his creative, freedom-loving son to settle down and become a lawyer – that is, to push his desires further and satisfy his father’s claims. American idealism draws its own natural happy ending, in which the son proves to everyone what a fine fellow he is, that he bravely followed his heart and achieved happiness, and did not fall for his father’s direction. And such a contrasting confrontation of personal will against someone else’s clearly reflects the conflict in the minds of most people, where their own insides hysterically bend under the pressure of external ideals.

If the will of ideals wins, a person languishes from meaninglessness and longing for the unrealizable – something important, but long forgotten in his gray everyday life. If the gut wins, the person faces the threat of being a lonely black sheep, kicked out of the social “matrix” for his otherness.

To fully accept such a challenge and feel deprived of public support for a formed personality, by virtue of its nature, is like death. Therefore, there remains a golden mean, where a person, at least, understands the social “language” and forms qualities useful for society.

In this sense, it would be possible to be one hundred percent yourself only in some kind of magical vacuum, where all desires are realized by a wave of thought without any annoying obstacles. And in our “angular” world we have to live with an eye on the conditions and really available opportunities. Otherwise, the world “punishes”. That is, we ourselves, acting carelessly, punish ourselves, running into these very “conditions”. I’m not talking about physical reality with its clearly solid objects, but about that fuzzy world where the personality resides – the world of ideas.

The ideas that a healthy person operates with are realistic – they express what is happening. If the personality does not satisfy the ideas about what is happening, it plunges into a personal psychic cinema, where he draws himself a performance of his own Napoleonic scale. The deeper this immersion, the weaker the contact with the “real”. The weaker the contact with the real, the more intense the internal conflict between the desired and the actual.

I’m not talking here about some mentally ill asocial personalities. It’s about all of us. Everyone, to varying degrees, rushes between love for real life and falling in love with what they want. In essence, this is the difference between love and being in love.

Idealization in a relationship

Idealization in a relationshipTo put it simply, love is when you like what is. And falling in love is when something that is not like it, but somewhere “out there”, on the backs of the mind, an “ideal” goal appears, designed to change what is, bending it to its ideal standards. In this sense, falling in love is the opposite of love – it does not accept the present, but denies it for the sake of a goal.

Therefore, lovers are always waiting for something: changes, special attention and care, so that their rosy ideals are satisfied. That is, a lover does not love a real person at all. Blinded by anticipation, he does not even notice who is in front of him, whimsically toils and waits for the chosen one to fulfill his dream – to become the “right” loved one in accordance with the ideal format.

The feelings and desires of the object of love are not taken into account – they are just absurd obstacles on the way to the goal. Falling in love does not allow objections to its ideal. And when a real person begins to hinder the realization of the expectations imposed on him, resentments and accusations of the poor quality of reciprocal feelings fall in his direction.

And it is surprising to the lover that the beloved does not understand that “everything is so simple, and you just need to meet“ love ”- so important and“ bright ”that it is not even possible to admit its falsity. In fact, the “bright” feelings of a lover are a capricious, childishly naive anticipation of the realization of their most coveted fantasies.

Therefore, in other respects, such a paradoxical situation occurs when a partner who is really loving is perceived as cold and callous, but a lover with his variegated emotions in fact does not even notice a real person, and, rather, on the contrary, does not love, that is why he remakes with intoxicated captiousness …

As always, I deliberately exaggerate and exaggerate in order to emphasize the implicit.


BlindnessFalling in love acts similarly to a drug – it allows you to cover up the inner emptiness – the fear of life without ideal supports, and causes severe withdrawal when the “drug” leaves the zone of access. But the lover refuses to acknowledge the reality until the very end, because his hopes are so grandiose, and his feelings are so “holy” … Until reality pushes them through and through, bringing down merciless facts on fabulous dreams.

However, the collapse of unrealistic hopes does not allow everyone to draw constructive conclusions. The unlucky lover begins to think that the whole point is in the injustice of life, which has coldly deprived the dream of relying on. Or an inferiority complex enters into force, and then a person bends over from a feeling of his unworthiness, they say, he simply did not deserve happiness due to his innate mental defect.

Almost no one succeeds in taking and dealing with their idealism. This mechanism seems to be deeply rooted in the psyche of literally everyone. And the degree of realism, where a person does not chase rainbow chimeras, but looks closely at life, even among the most adequate people is very relative.

And love … There is nothing transcendent in it. This is a real pleasure, without any embellishments and painful expectations. No pathos and pathos.

But ask the layman about the difference between love and being in love, and in response they will say that love is one for life, inexorable and eternal, and there are many in love. That is, they say, as a rule, everything is about the same blind idealization, but raised to a superlative degree.

But we can also love what we have very conditionally. On, a number of articles are devoted to the topic of mental projections. Let me remind you briefly that life as we know it is a set of subjective understandings. Therefore, love happens to a person when her picture of the world resonates in accordance with what is happening. A person is able to love when, with all his aspirations, he calms down and quietly allows everything to be as it is.

Love is acceptance of what is happening. Falling in love is compensation for dissatisfaction with what is happening. Love agrees, love demands.

Idealization in business

Up! Roughly the same mechanisms, at times, act no less dramatically in all spheres of life. In this sense, two types of social activity can be distinguished. The first is motivated by the improvement of the current situation. The second is the joy of the very process of activity. For example, one artist is an idealist and paints to achieve perfection. The second works by vocation, and draws, because drawing is high for him.

And if the “future artist” is still dreaming of devoting himself to creativity, postponing the initiation again and again indefinitely, we can safely state the initial degree of “falling in love” – that is, idealism that requires achieving beautiful goals without taking into account the real inclination to achieve them.

Wanting to become strong, learn useful skills, move, win, bet on the future and do nothing for years … Sound familiar? To varying degrees, such a pseudo-love for their undertakings is familiar to everyone.

An artist by vocation does not dream of anything like that. He just draws because he loves to draw. And that’s all. He does not need any rosy fantasies about future glory and laurels for this. In reality, of course, everything is multifacetedly intertwined, and the joy of the process can easily be mixed with idealistic goals.

Similar “motives” can be traced in the religiosity of the East and West. Eastern teachings encourage you to pay attention to the processes, without being distracted by the mind by hallucinations of future goals. Western religiosity is closer to blind moralization – a pointer to ideals that are supposed to be aligned. And if it doesn’t work out, you are supposed to repent of your sinfulness.

Dissatisfaction with oneself is the “fuel” of the neurotic in the pursuit of phantom happiness. The advantageous side of the approach is the sweet taste of hope, and some kind of activity fueled by this hope. And there is a whole arsenal of negative sides. Failure to conform to ideals results in self-flagellation, hope turns into hopelessness and disappointment, and the picture of a wonderful future turns to dust every now and then.

Therefore, it is not so important what to do, as long as the process itself is satisfying. And if an occupation is frankly unpleasant and is used as a forced means to an end, no peace of mind can be seen.

“The Shawshank Redemption”

Escape from the ShawshenkoDissatisfaction with what is happening and striving for future goals can spur to movement. But such a movement is inevitably filled with resistance, the insides, due to suppressed desires, turn stale, and the hands drop. It seems that I want to go, but the path is painful and tortured.

The exceptions are goals, which, like acute falling in love, are idealized, charged with impenetrable hope. And in some situations, this approach is quite justified. Literary examples: The Count of Monte Cristo, The Shawshank Redemption. The main characters of these books, overcoming the hardships of imprisonment, lived for the sake of future freedom and wealth – a kind of crown of idealization.

Workaholics-careerists, perfectionists, all kinds of admirers of spiritual and worldly teachings, representatives of MLM business and other fanatical dreamers are addicted to a similar type of “fuel”.

Stable hope feeds their path to the future “light” and at the same time encourages them to start from realities, as if from yesterday’s step, overgrown with meaninglessness. And now, if the path leads to a dead end, the fanatic feels as if he is stuck, as in prison, in his ordinary life, devalued by colorful ideals. A rollback into despair and depression is the threat of this stage.

Such, similar to the acute stage of falling in love, idealization in business is rather an exception. Most often they move to the “better” sluggishly, make a forced step forward, get tired quickly, try to get down to business again, and retreat with rejection. Then, they begin to humiliate themselves again for evading the “right” deeds, in order to take another forced step out of a sense of guilt.

And after all, no one gives guarantees of achieving the “ideal”, and most importantly – the predicted happiness from its acquisition. Therefore, chronic disappointments along this path are included by default.

IdealizationIdealization is an ambiguous matter. Like a deal with the evil one, it encourages “to sell the soul” in exchange for blissful anticipation. And in some cases, the deal seems to burn out when the idealist achieves outward success. But happiness from him lasts, as a rule, in the region of five minutes. Further, either disappointment, or new ideals.

The idealist believed that success would allow him to finally begin to live, enjoying the process of being. But it is not possible to guarantee oneself a love of life after reaching the next buoy. Therefore, it is easier, and maybe wiser, to pay attention to affairs and hobbies that bring joy in the present.

But what about a Shawshank prisoner? Passively resign or hammer the tunnel to freedom? Personally, I do not see an unequivocal answer to this question. In extreme situations, any clue, any meaning that gives support, can turn out to be a thread to salvation.

But sometimes it is worth loosening the grip of ideals, and suddenly it turns out that there is no confinement: “devastation is not in the closets, but in the heads”, but in life – “everything in its right place.” Otherwise, continuing the metaphor, one has to sympathize with the rich with suicidal tendencies.

All this, of course, is a very simplified description, from which many exceptions can be deduced if desired.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • How to love yourself
  • How to motivate yourself to do something
  • Fear of mistakes, fear of the future
  • Love and relationships: on the surface in depth

Anyone who has not seen the adaptation of The Shawshank Redemption, I recommend it. The film is on the 1st place in the rating of “KinoPoisk”.

By the way about the leisurely contemplation of the East. Two years ago I went to visit friends living in Bangkok. I was surprised how leisurely and calm life the metropolis is. People are walking to work. And for all the time I saw only one irritated person – some European was talking on the phone, apparently with another European.

The myth of unconditional love

Is there pure love outside books that accepts you with all your shortcomings and does not demand anything in return?

Undoubtedly, yes … For example, a mother’s love for a child.

And a completely different story: He and She.

You met, fell in love. First emotions: He (She) is the most beautiful, kind, smart, etc.

And you, of course, want to seem better than you are. During this period, the guy goes to see his girlfriend off to the other end of the city, fixes her computer, walks the dog. And the girl cooks dinner for her beloved for five hours, walks in high heels and watches boring football.

Would you try so hard for someone you don’t care about? But what you are doing here is called self-promotion. This is a kind of bribery, not a frank gesture. You didn’t fall in love with abstraction, but with a specific person with a set of “bonuses” you know (even if this is just a great mood that visits you when you are together). And for this you at least need reciprocity.

Trying to win someone’s heart, you enter the role so much that you yourself already believe: you and your idealized version are one and the same person. Well, now you just have to fall in love with such wonderful! That’s really selfishness in its purest form!

And if the “victim” of your love does not notice such a suitable candidate, your wounded pride suffers and an inferiority complex appears. So, after all, I tried to please, I was out of my skin, and your half fell for the other! And after all, no one is to blame for your problem! This means that this person does not need anything from you, he does not see any benefits in relations with you and therefore does not try to indulge your efforts.

You have to understand: no one is obliged to love you just for what you are. By the way, you also do not have to love anyone unconditionally – and do not trust the manipulators!

Now let’s imagine another situation: everything is going well, you are together and both are happy. But you won’t be able to maintain your positive image forever: pretending is extremely energy-consuming and even self-destructive. And as soon as you step back from the ideal image you created, there will be misunderstandings, quarrels, neuroses. Why was it different in the beginning? Was it a hoax? Or is the love gone?

Don’t try to earn love! And then later you will have to grumble that, they say, He (She) does not love you, but _________ (everyone writes their own version). And who is to blame for this? False relationships are doomed to fail.

Conclusion: yes, we are not able to love a partner absolutely unconditionally.

But this does not mean that love does not exist at all.

We can love a person with all his peculiarities and shortcomings and “pay” for the joy of being together with our care (and with everything that you have in your arsenal), expecting all the pleasant things from your partner in return. Such a mutually beneficial exchange in pairs is practiced everywhere.

You can call such love selfish, but do not forget that a person is generally terribly self-centered and it is perfectly natural for him to do everything to become happier.

Alexey Afanasov,

psychologist, leading practice and trainings

Love and play with your Shadow

Each of us has a dark side that we struggle with with varying degrees of success. The shadow, according to Jung’s archetypes, is an unsightly part of the personality, squeezed out by our painful pride further into the subconscious.

However, the Shadow appears regularly: in stressful situations or in a period of extreme fatigue, we lose control over it.

How do you know about your dark side? Yes, here it is: it can be seen in numerous projections. Example. Someone annoys you terribly with their laziness. Congratulations, this is definitely one of your suppressed personality traits.

Let’s look at love and relationships from the perspective of the Shadows. The strongest affection arises for a partner with whom you can fully accept yourself. Often times, we want to be with a person just because he allows our ego to revel in its own magnificence. You listen to the praise and forget your Shadow more and more. Self-esteem rises before our eyes. It seems that before that you did not know yourself at all and did not know about your super qualities.

It’s funny, because in fact we are building relationships with ourselves, and we only need a partner to reflect our subconscious, otherwise it would be difficult for us to start a dialogue with him.

But you can amuse yourself as much as you like that someone has fallen in love with yours “mask“- sooner or later she will be exposed.

And suddenly a loved one turns into criticism! When our ego is toppled off its pedestal, hurtful words resonate with repressed pain from our past mistakes, making you believe someone else’s opinion of yourself.

As long as your self-esteem depends on external factors (loves – dislikes, will be with me or leave), you can never find true happiness and harmony. You will enter into an addicted relationship, upon the rupture of which your world will collapse.

Most of all, a person needs not even to be loved, but to accept himself. Global self-dislike is, in my opinion, the main problem of humanity. We are always not smart enough, decisive, beautiful enough to love ourselves for who we are.

It is very important to get to know your Shadow and forgive yourself for your shortcomings. When you accept yourself, there is no constant struggle and self-criticism in your soul, you can become happy with any person.

Alexey Afanasov,
psychologist, leading practice and trainings

Love is a projection of the inner self onto another

“It’s boring to live without love,” you sigh.

But then a Special Person appears. He is like a ray of light bursting into gray life. And finally you feel alive, energy boils in you. Heart beats, and thoughts become surprisingly clear. Everyone notices that something has changed in you. You can see it yourself, and you definitely like the new state. As if “something snapped off inside”, “a spring that had been clamped for a long time was straightened”, “wings grew” (I quote my clients).

“This is love,” you say.

– Yes, perhaps you are in love, – I will not argue. – But what is really happening to you? I’ll just tell you my point of view, you don’t have to believe it.

It seems to you that almost divine light emanates from a loved one. In fact, it is your own light, hidden until now, reflected on it and you behold the amazing radiance of your inner Self.

It turns out that we fall in love with the beauty of our own subconscious. And yes – it is truly beautiful.

The path of self-improvement is the path of self-knowledge. The enormous potential given to us from birth is hidden in the depths of the psyche. Our task is to unearth this gift and thereby approach enlightenment.

But we are not directly connected to the beauty of our own soul, we are hindered by blocks and masks that enclose our inner radiance. That’s what you need love for! For the same reason, you are so afraid of losing her.

You will be much happier when you realize that your attachment is not directly related to the object of love. He only helps you to feel what you feel next to him. And That very Man may not notice you at all or love him not as much as you love him. Maybe even love another. Of course it will make you suffer terribly. But remember, this does not apply to you real. After all, She (or He) also lives in a world of illusions and endless projections of her mind. We just use each other to better understand ourselves.

Alexey Afanasov,
psychologist, leading practice and trainings

When a woman sacrifices everything for love

Since ancient times, people have made sacrifices to their gods. It just so happened. Higher powers will not be supportive if they are not appeased. And to this day, we carry in ourselves the genetic memory that happiness is a reward for the sacrifice that we brought to our idol… In love relationships and family life, this scheme is still in demand. And more often than not, it is women who bring careers, hobbies and favorite entertainment to the altar of great feelings. But what about? Love requires sacrifice!

Let’s see, does a great feeling really need sacrifice? And who really needs self-denial and suffering?

More often than not, sacrifices in the name of love are most needed by the one who makes them. After all, sacrifice is rarely a secret: sooner or later the whole world will know about it. Because sacrificing yourself on the sly, without admiration and sympathy from the outside is somehow meaningless. And how beautiful it sounds: “I sacrificed my career for you!” (or: pilates, raw food, weekly bachelorette parties). And life immediately fills with meaning, and love seems so strong, because “I’m ready for anything for him”

At the same time, the man, perhaps, does not even know that his beloved quit smoking for his sake, and not for his own health; that daily coffee in bed for her husband turns out to be a duty, not a pleasure for her; that all the housework that she has taken upon herself, she pulls martyrically, like a heavy cross.

The man is already accustomed to the fact that all this is in the order of things; he has no other way of living together now. But sooner or later reproaches will fly to my husband – “I am for you … and you …” And he didn’t even know that this, it turns out, was the Great Sacrifice on her part!

Most often, such an altar sincerely puts all its strength into a loved one, uses every opportunity to help him realize himself, make a career, and become the best. At the same time, there is neither strength nor time left for oneself. A woman believes with all her heart that the sacrifices she makes will return to her a hundredfold in the future. But often it turns out to be not as rosy as she imagined.

The reason is simple – she invests only in her beloved, she does not make any investments in herself. And over time, her chosen one, who has reached heights, either leaves a bored, uninteresting wife, spitting on all her sacrifices, or stays with her only out of pity: after all, she did so much for him. But he does not love and does not consider her as equal. Sacrifice is not at all attractive and not sexual at all.

What kind of women sacrifice themselves?

  • Insecure – they consider themselves unworthy of love and happiness “just like that”, without sacrifices.

  • Those whose mother behaved in a similar way with dad – they absorb this model from childhood as the only correct one.

  • Those who do not want to take responsibility for their own mistakes and failures (“It was because of him that my life did not work out, I sacrificed everything for him!”).

  • Dependent on the opinions of others – thus they create in the eyes of society the image of the great martyr.

  • Financially dependent on their husbands – they loudly voice to the spouse what sacrifices they make for him, thus trying to keep their “money bag”.

Who ultimately suffers from such sacrifice? And everyone suffers! It is hard and unpleasant for a man to constantly hear that he has ruined his youth, his best years, and the whole life of his beloved woman. It’s unpleasant to live with guilt.

Yes, and at some point it becomes clear to the altar: the deity does not answer her, does not repay it with love and care … and, what is even sadder, finally realizes that no one needed these sacrifices at all!

Is true love possible without sacrifice? I am sure that it is possible. But without mutual concessions – no.

It’s important to realize that out of line walking the dog, skipping a workout to cook dinner, or watching a soccer game together are the compromises every couple needs. Don’t consider them a victim.

But if you feel an urgent need to sacrifice everything for the sake of your beloved, if you certainly want to do something heroic to please your partner, be prepared for the fact that such a feat will cause admiration only for you. And no one will appreciate it.

Love is a bright feeling. She should bring joy and pleasure to both. Don’t spoil your life with unnecessary suffering.

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

How to find your happiness on the Internet?  Virtual love story

How to find your happiness on the Internet? Virtual love story

How to find your happiness on the Internet? Virtual love story

How long can you walk in girls? Spring is all around, couples on the benches are squeezing, you alone with your books and pieces of paper! Lena, you are already twenty-seven, it’s time to find your soul mate!Lena sighed heavily and deleted the message in Odnoklassniki. Mom managed to get her even two thousand kilometers away. There was no desire to answer.

Photo: Depositphotos

“And what can you answer here?” – thought our heroine, – “What is she right? That the dusty archive of the central library has replaced my personal life? Who needs me. People first pay attention to appearance, and only then look inside. Not that Lena was scary, she just had absolutely nothing special – calm brown eyes, framed by unremarkable eyelashes and eyebrows, a straight, slightly snub nose, lips with a bow. The usual figure, the usual hairstyle on unpainted brown hair … too ordinary to compete for the handsome and smart.

The tablet quietly squeaked, announcing the message that had arrived again. Lena had an irresistible desire to roll her eyes. Except for my mother, hardly anyone could write. Well, of course…

“You abandoned yourself! Has ceased to take care of herself! You dress like a gray mouse, immediately run home from work, and again rummage through the damn papers! It’s time to find yourself a normal guy! By the way, sex, from the point of view of health, is inalienable … ”

The girl sighed and closed the browser. She stared into the mirror hanging on the opposite wall. Mom was right about everything. After several unsuccessful attempts to find herself a gentleman, she closed herself off and stopped trying, and also stopped painting, dressing normally and began to slouch.

Previously, she was invited to parties where there were a lot of guys, but, unfortunately, they were only interested in the curvaceous forms of her girlfriends and their silly drunken laughter. Clever girls frightened off “clubbers”, besides, Lena did not use intoxicants, therefore, to her, a sober and boring “gray mouse”, all these events were, to put it mildly, disgusting.

Over time, both events and girlfriends have sunk into oblivion. In principle, there was no male in the library, and the one that was, did not come to flirt.

She did not know how to make acquaintances on the streets. For one single time, I decided to talk to the guy I liked at the bus stop. He looked at her with a timid smile, but for some reason he did not come up. Lena decided: “I was – I wasn’t”, straightened her soft chestnut curl and had already taken a step towards the meeting, when a pretty blonde emerged next to the candidate and threw herself on his neck. After that, the desire to meet on the streets disappeared.

Lena sighed heavily and went to bed. She dreamed that she had grown old and was sitting in a wheelchair, surrounded by a bunch of meowing cats, and calling for help … knowing that no one would come, that she had no one. Life stretched out in a gray strip of gloomy loneliness, in which there was no salutary warmth of human feelings, there were only at once disgusted books, suffocating dusty archival documents and dead silence …

She woke up, sitting up jerkily on the bed, feeling her heart beating wildly, giving off a discordant rumble to her whiskey. “Damn my mom with her advice for the coming sleep!” – Cursing angrily, Lena walked into the kitchen, shivering from the coolness of the night. It was still dark outside the window.

Pouring hot tea, she slowly turned on her laptop and opened a browser, deciding to distract herself by reading some not too abstruse article on rare books. Books were her passion and her life.

“And how could they get disgusted? A stupid dream, a stupid one, ”she persuaded herself like a little child, but the feeling of horror from the coming loneliness in the company of the feline did not let her go. “Well, what is twenty-seven years? Nonsense, I’ll have time yet! Surely not only I am still alone among the graduates. We ought to check. ”

“Odnoklassniki” happily squeaked two unread ones. Mom wrote that it was time to pull myself together and open up towards new adventures: “Dating sites have long been invented for such timid girls like you. On you will find a list of all the decent services. Register and find yourself the same bibliophile. Love books together! And I will finally nurse my grandchildren! ”

Lena chuckled. Based on my mother’s tone, there’s no choice. We’ll either have to look for a groom, or go to the ends of the world from her reproaches. But sites
dating? She, a candidate of literary sciences, to look for a guy on the Internet?

Odnoklassniki gave sad statistics – absolutely all of her school friends had families, posted bright photos of happily smiling children hugging friendly mums and dads.

Lena took in more air in her lungs and clicked on the first dating service in the rating list. Having chosen the desired age and profession of the partner, she suddenly saw him. The guy I wanted to approach at the bus stop! Apparently, the pretty blonde did not stay in his life, but he turned out to be the same “bibliophile” – an employee of one of the largest publishing houses in Russia. With a shaking hand, she clicked the write message icon. And hovered over the keyboard.

“And what will I write to him? Hey, did we see each other at the bus stop six months ago? Oh, are you a bookworm too? Crap. Well, why did I even go to this site? ” – Irritably slamming the lid of the laptop, Lena went to bed, not even finishing her tea.

This time the phone vibrated. Half asleep, she grabbed him and, closing one eye, looked at the display. Received a notification about successful registration and … about a new message! Excitedly throwing off the blanket, the girl jerkily grabbed the smartphone more comfortably. It was a message from the same guy, Kirill. “This is a dream! I’m probably dreaming! ”- flashed through my brain.

“Hello! It seems to me that we have already met somewhere … I just can’t remember where. Maybe at some conference on literature? ” It instantly dawned on her that the profile picture had been taken the very day they crossed paths in this big city. “Accidents are not accidental” – Lena smiled and convulsively tapped on the phone screen.

They talked all night long, endlessly discussing books, poets, writers, switching to their own interests, stories about themselves, about the world around them. He was not only cute and smart, but also understood her perfectly. After parting in order to get ready for work, Lena fluttered to the mirror and found herself not slouching anymore. There were no signs of sleepless nights and fatigue. She was overwhelmed by the absolute
unlimited happiness. Immediately from the forgotten dressing table a box with cosmetics appeared …

“Lena! When will you come to me! Arseny Kirillovich does not know his grandmother at all, but he was born thanks to me! ” Mom unceremoniously woke her up with a vibrating smartphone. Lena got out of the warm embrace of her sleeping husband and smiled happily as she typed in the text: “Thank you, mommy! Wait for us at the weekend. Love you”.

Article published in Issue 3/05/2017