Active and passive men in relationships

There are specific traits of an attractive male that some active males successfully imitate, thus demonstrating their relevance. Even if a man is not handsome or rich, he can be sexually attractive if he feels how these signs work. To do this, a man must demonstrate to a woman his active “beginning”, prove to her that he is an alpha male, while allowing the woman to remain passive. And for this a man does not need mountains of “gold”, but needs external confidence and activity, which he positions the woman.

Even when not the cutest guy acts confidently, gives flowers, sweets, invites to the cinema, a woman feels like a woman. She senses the active masculine yang doing cognitive massage to her feminine yin. The woman remains passive, she is sought, influenced, possessed.

As the Russian sociologist I. Kon said: “A man is a violinist, and a woman is a violin, from which he, thanks to his talent and skill, with the help of his bow, extracts enchanting sounds“. This is what makes a woman feminine. A woman is turned on by an active, confident man, because next to him, she can afford to remain weak and passive. At this time, she feels protected and can open up to what is happening with confidence.

And how sometimes “passivity” does not suit a man in the eyes of a woman! Here, the polarity of passivity and activity is simplified as the ability to defend and the need for protection: you are either a defender, or you are looking for a place behind the defender’s shield.

“Legs” of this phenomenon grow from early childhood. The child feels protected, “like a stone wall” next to his parents. Adults take care of the child, take responsibility for his actions, help out, help in everything and teach life. It is not easy for young people to grow up and part with this “protection”. Therefore, such concern for the mentally youthful easily turns into what psychologists call overprotection. a kind of concern that becomes one big “disservice” for a growing person an eternal crutch on an independent path through life.

Being under guardianship, a person is relieved of the burden of responsibility for his actions, he does not have the need to grow up, and then the temptation is great to remain an infantile, weak and passive person who is not ready to meet and overcome life’s difficulties. A separate article is devoted to the topic of responsibility on progressman.ru.

Many young people carry over the need for “parents” into adulthood. Then the man, for example, is inclined to look for the “analogue” of the mother in the person of his wife. And the wife can perceive the husband as a caring father, especially when they have a noticeable age difference. To some extent, the bosses at work, an older friend, a brother – any person on whom it turns out to be dumped with care and responsibility for their lives, becomes a substitute for parents for the wards.

Some couples are quite satisfied with this situation when a man – under the heel behind the shield of a woman. Introverts are especially prone to passivity. It is psychologically easier for them to remain in the shadows and humbly accept circumstances than to take the initiative into their own hands. This is not a rule, but a pattern.

extraversion introversionHere I want to make an important reservation. It may seem that extraversion is a sign of a strong and courageous person who, overcoming fear, has learned to act. In fact, the real challenge for an extrovert is a solitary immersion in his inner world, from which he diligently hides in events, meetings, companies and other vanity. An extrovert fears loneliness as much as an introvert fears active public participation in public events. The extrovert is forgotten in the movement of physical reality, so as not to feel their fears.

A “refined” extrovert may appear active and courageous, but at the same time remain very superficial in his feelings. This is how a strong man feels like a schoolboy when it comes to his feelings.

An introvert can appear deep, thoughtful, and choosy when it comes to intuition, creativity, relationships, and expressing feelings. But he often has difficulties in terms of “real” actions. For example, asking a girl out on a date for a passive introvert can turn out to be a whole event filled with vivid experiences, fears and expectations. An extrovert also knows how to worry. But for him, experiences are practically inseparable from actions.

Roughly speaking, introverts sometimes bother too much – they complicate events with their experiences, spin thoughts and emotions around simple actions to the extreme. Extroverts, on the other hand, are too easy on certain events, acting like an elephant in a china shop where sensitivity and legibility are required.

At the same time, not every man who is passive in a relationship is necessarily an introvert. Extroverts feel more confident in the field of action as such, but they may be shy and afraid of new steps in narrow, concrete, emotionally charged areas where fear of rejection is triggered. Likewise, not every active man in a relationship is necessarily an extrovert. Introverts are able to act confidently when they know exactly what they want.

In general, we can say that extroverts are active at the event level and remain constrained and timid in the sphere of their own inner world. Introverts, on the other hand, know themselves much better, but are poorly oriented in the external environment. To grow mentally, it is important to be able to take responsibility and take at least small conscious steps outside your comfort zone. Extroverts – in their inner world, introverts – in the outside.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Arrogance and self-doubt
  • Virtues or – what to strive for
  • “Safe” sex and self-importance

Greed and selfishness in relationships

This article turned out to be more complicated than I thought. Several times he sat down and put it aside. Something inside resisted and raised the topic with a creak, as if not wanting to give up some outdated positions and beliefs about greed and selfishness. Probably, if you ask a layman to describe these phenomena, most likely examples of actions of the type: “selfishness is when …” … As I see it, there is no selfishness or greed. There are only elements that, like pixels on a monitor, create their illusory images. And while we do not distinguish between these constituent particles, the image seems to be complete and real. This metaphor with pixels fits just about any phenomenon. In this article I will try to decompose selfishness and greed into elements.

The fabric of greed and selfishness

At the event level, we consider those people who do not want to share their benefits with us as selfish greedy ones. That is, according to this logic, absolutely any person who refuses to give us their assets – be it money, personal time, or any property – can become a greedy person in our eyes.

And here the right question sounds like this: under what conditions do other people donate their goods to us? When does one person want to give something to another? The answer to this question is as simple as it is unacceptable for the self-esteem of the average person. So, the benefactor donates his goods under such conditions, when he wants to please. That is, if a person wants to look good in our eyes, he will probably be capable of the so-called generosity towards our person.

On the contrary, we consider those people who do not try to please us to be greedy egoists. Why don’t they try? Because the bad ones? We, of course, think so – the most convenient thing. Or maybe because we are bad? This is a double-edged sword. A person does not try to please us when he does not see the reasons for this. We are not saints, and we usually strive to please others when we feel that it is beneficial for us. That is, wanting to look good in someone’s eyes, we somehow expect to get something …

And this is where our long-suffering pride comes into play, on one side of which there is an inferiority complex, and on the other – a sense of self-importance. No wonder they say that pride is the father of all vices.

We feel someone else’s greed when we worry that we are not loved and respected, but only used for our benefits. We crave sincere unconditional love for our own person, which, by and large, only saints and some mothers are capable of in relation to their children. We deceive ourselves into hoping that such love is possible. But in fact, we live in a world of consumer relations, where everyone loves not unconditionally, but for some reason – for specific qualities, traits and properties.

We are all “corrupt creatures”, bribing each other in our relationships, who can do what they can. And when we lack real benefits, we master the art of advertising – positioning illusory images and qualities. We don’t know who we are to earn love and respect with an artificial image. And this is still half the trouble. It would be fine if we did so deliberately. But at some point, we lie so much that we ourselves begin to believe that we really are that very normal good person, whose image we demonstrate to everyone around us. This is how neuroses arise in discord with themselves – psychosomatic ailments that poison our lives.

We become greedy owners when we want to control our relationships with other people. We try to control other people’s feelings when we want to be loved and respected unconditionally – that is, for no reason. Otherwise, we feel false – a humiliating deception, such a disgusting experience, as if a person really does not love us at all, and will throw us out of our existence as soon as we stop sponsoring his presence in our life. But after all, as already mentioned – we are not saints and do not know how to love for nothing!

Even when the so-called “greed” is shown by a stranger whom we have not seen before, we may have a neurotic reaction, because behind someone’s frugality, we find a “disrespectful” attitude towards our person.

In other words, greed and selfishness is a personal fear that we are loved not just like that, but for some reason. Just latently, we feel when they want to make mugs out of us, and as a big and pure love to push through a typical corrupt relationship. And honesty often does not quite suit us either, because we still want to believe in love!

Most of all friendships and friendships also revolve around such mutually beneficial neuroses. And if a person doesn’t want anything from us, our wounded pride can christen him a bastard. But in fact, there is nothing wrong with someone else’s indifference. It’s just that someone seemed uninteresting to someone – maybe the person is tired, he has little time, or he is annoyed by the drawing on our shirt. Everyone has their own preferences. This is fine. But this fact seems all the more humiliating, the more expectations we wind up around the victim of our needs.

The traumatic fact for the layman’s pride in the body of an adult is that no one owes anything to anyone. And if we thought differently, then this is our personal problem.

For personal mental health, it is better to be a conscious gigolo or a prostitute who is aware of his position, rather than a neurotic who expects free “unconditional” love from others.

Motives of greed and selfishness

So it turns out that if a person acts honestly, without covering up his true motives with a noble lie, then he becomes a “bad” greedy and “ruthless” egoist who did not want to stand on ceremony with our neuroses.

Sometimes we think of people who are selfish and take care of their attention and value their personal time. It seems like if a person does not read our useless spam somewhere on VKontakte, it means that he is a cunning egoist who, instead of being imbued with our profound “nonsense”, is engaged in some of his own completely useless affairs for us.

Often, we like to explain our own need for free freebies with someone else’s egoism. After all, it is much easier to lure ready-made benefits from the haves than to earn them yourself. It seems like if a person managed to provide for himself, it would be nice for him to like it, so that now he will provide for our person, since he is so good at it.

In order for a person to be our debtor, it is not necessary for him to like him. To draw out other people’s benefits, you can flatter, humiliate yourself, appeal to pity, a sense of duty, nobility, superiority, greatness and other signs of a “good” person. Anything will do that will make the “generous” benefactor prove that he is not a greedy or selfish person.

We consider “bad” people to be egoists, whom it is customary to condemn and even punish in some way. In the novel, I vocalized in detail the idea that each person ultimately does everything exclusively for himself. Everyone obeys the law of the carrot and stick. No matter who is in front of us – a hero, a villain, an office worker, a loving mother – no one can do otherwise. We are all Pavlov’s dogs, subject to two basic reflexes of pain and pleasure. Each of us in this life simply avoids pain and chooses the thrill – whoever knows how.

We all wander after the carrot of pleasant sensations. Geniuses, sages and other advanced users are no different from typical outsiders – the same pursuit of highs. The difference between all of us is that everyone has access to their own unique sources of happiness.

Rude people act rudely, ripping off superficial impressions, not because they are “bad”, but because they cannot do otherwise. Exactly so – roughly and superficially accessible at their stage, the thrill pulls the levers of their mind.

Far-sighted “wise men” enjoy life subtly with the least amount of destructive consequences, because they distinguish such threads of happiness, pulling for which they get their own, unattainable for others.

No one can do otherwise. Everyone obeys those impulses that he is able to discern on the periphery of his consciousness. We are all products of inevitable personal experience.

There is a kind of global stereotype that says that the right people should do the right thing. And if you are wrong, but greedy and selfish, then you must experience shame, fear and other unpleasant impulses that should prompt you to correct yourself in order to correspond to this global stereotype.

As a result, our omnipotent mind is pushed around by two additional springs: self-respect and self-flagellation. Following the standards, we respect ourselves, breaking the rules – we gnaw. This is how the global law of the carrot and stick is realized in the social world, prompting us to prove our normality. On this topic, progressman.ru already has a number of articles under the tag “pride”.

All our behavior, all noble intentions and lofty aspirations obey the simple impulses “pleasant” and “unpleasant”. But we do not want to believe that we are so primitive … Therefore, we choose to think that our “right” actions are not at all from the joy of self-affirmation, but a manifestation of some holy magnanimity.

There is no greed or selfishness. There is only our self-esteem, driven by a continuous race of self-assertion, eternally scanning reality in search of love and respect.

And there is nothing wrong with social bartering, where everyone shares what they have. Simply, in order to avoid neurotic fears, when making an exchange, you should not cheat, presenting self-promotion as reality. And then this exchange of “energies” may well be called mutual assistance.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Selfishness as a stage of development
  • Should we love?
  • Self-control, hard work and willpower as selfish fictions in the mind
  • Vanity, pride and humiliation

About happiness in relationships and hobbies

The current long-term survey on the site is under the heading “Where do you (honestly) find your happiness?” Among the 18 answer options, the leading one is “to feel needed”. That is, almost all of us see our happiness in the first place – in relationships, and secondly – in hobbies. There is one nuance here. The fact is that most of us do not really notice our own life, but are immersed either in the past, or in hopes and anticipation. Therefore, happiness in stereotypical values ​​is not so much found as anticipated … And somewhere here one of the most tricky problems begins – this is a paradox when relationships become a painful striped drama just in those very cases when happiness is expected from them.

Love control

When happiness is expected from a relationship with a partner, this person wants to be controlled so that happiness does not escape anywhere. This is where the roots of jealousy and a sense of ownership grow. All this is the fear of losing a controlling stake in the anticipated personal fairy tale. At the same time, a bad illusion arises that happiness is possible only with this particular person, whom you like.

Love is deified, all the best is attributed to it, because the highest stake is placed on this feeling itself. A lover dreams that in realizing his love he will achieve the highest goal that a living person can achieve. All other joys of the world begin to fade in the head of a lover, and professional and spiritual heights are perceived as faded shadows of that sparkling merger with the one and only object of love.

As a result, this “unique” with every gesture, every turn of the head directly affects the well-being of the lover, as if pulling the real levers of his states. Turned around – good, turned away – bad. In such dependence on someone else’s disposition, the addict in love is shaking like a weathervane in the wind, because a loved one for him is such an indicator of all significant limits of personal states.

When an unrequited lover begins to lisp and babble with inspiration, smearing his sugary-melodramatic snot, he kind of begs for an affectionate disposition. And in response, he receives, at best, bewildered affection, or even irritation.

The object of “love” from such inclinations to his own person feels as if a lover is trying to occupy the personal space of his victim, while imposing something huge and unclear – his own destiny. If the loved one does not naturally awaken the reciprocal feelings, their artificial squeezing only causes rejection.

To a lover without a loved one, everything seems empty and meaningless, as if he has comprehended in this life everything that can be comprehended, and understood what true happiness consists in – in the attention of a loved one. At the same time, the lover does not understand that even the most intelligent and brilliant people comprehend only the edge of the activity that they are passionate about. Life is an endless and incomprehensible phenomenon – there is no such limitedly narrow happiness in it, which is buried in a single person. This stereotype.

It’s okay to be in control of your belongings. It’s okay to become possessive of your hobbies and interests. But making property out of other people is the path of doubt and fear. Control stifles relationships. At the same time, control should not be confused with conscious efforts aimed at maintaining harmonious ties.

Life menu

We are not prophets and cannot predict not only the actions of other people, but even our own. Expectations of specific behavior pleasing to us from others are fraught with dependence and inevitable disappointment. Anything can happen tomorrow. A realistic view of things implies the assumption of all possible scenarios.

Such is life – we do not know the exact future, but only guess and assume. And therefore, contact with a loved one is not a given; in fact, it is such a gift from life – its offering. You can take it while you are being treated. And as soon as life has ceased to treat this dish, you can start the next one. Maybe your favorite dish will be included in the permanent menu, but maybe not. Maybe there will be others – no less beautiful.

But how stupid a person behaves when he begins to attribute the possibility of happiness to one single “dish”. He ceases to notice all the others. It’s not about free relationships and promiscuous sex at all. The lover in his selfless idolatry ceases to notice reality. It’s not life so sour without one single lover. It is the lover himself, with his capricious tension, trying to push away the innocent reality, darkening it in his head.

The impending future is unpredictable and surprising when we open up to it without clinging to the passing past. This is exactly what happens in our eternal “now”. And only the mind clinging to the supports slips.

The state when life is not sweet without a loved one is madness in which all potential happiness is associated with a single point in the infinite universe. The horror is to miss this island. Horror is to hold on tightly to it, naively believing that beyond it is a meaningless dark abyss. And how do you want to believe in a fairy tale – “and they lived happily ever after, and died in one day …” And there was no lonely old age, filled with dreams of the past, or deep wisdom in accepting the present.

But at the same time, self-sufficiency does not at all imply loneliness. You can walk through life on your own two feet in a pleasant company. Do not confuse addiction with a mutually beneficial relationship. And do not confuse self-sufficiency with its beautiful artificial image, which is so often used to cover up your need for someone else’s attention. Proud loneliness is another neuroticism.

Measure of meaning

happiness in relationshipsProjections are one of the main topics of progressman.ru. Sometimes in consultations I give an analogy where the meaning of life is something like a set of happy slides that are projected onto reality. When meaning is projected onto many objects and events, the loss of one of them does not pose a big threat – there are others. When all the semantic slides are directed at a single image of the external universe, excessive significance is given to it, and a mental swing begins – from one extreme to another – no peace of mind.

Similar experiences happen not only because of falling in love, but in any case when a high stake is placed on something unreliable – be it a career, a hobby, or potentially joyful events – you can make a painful lottery out of any phenomenon. That is, when happiness is expected under some specific conditions, any threat of deviation from these conditions causes mental anguish.

Likewise, being carried away by ideas about enlightenment, one can easily plunge into expectations of concrete results of development and satisfaction. Meanwhile, enlightenment is a life without expectations – without rates and ranks, which already suits in the very form in which it is happening right now.

Expecting happiness is an oxymoron. But a person does not know how to live completely without hopes. It’s all about a realistic view of the world. We can expect and guess, realizing that life will still do it in its own way – no better and no worse, but keeping the natural course of things. But if you listen exclusively to your own hopes, even a sweet cake that has not passed the filter of personal anticipation will seem tasteless and even bitter. And only openness to the eternally new reality emerging here and now allows you to enjoy its taste. In general, there is a “Zen” here, when you act, keeping calm, hoping without hope, and sharing your path with companions without leashes, cages and handcuffs.

© Igor Satorin

Other articles on this topic:

  • Happiness for man
  • Love and relationships: on the surface and deep
  • Affection under the mask of love
  • Falling in love and subconsciousness

Codependency vs healthy relationships

What is codependency

There are couples in whom dramatic scenes are played out every day, the intensity of passions is at the limit, and anguish and suffering are in the order of things. And yet they cannot live without each other! This codependency is hidden under the guise of love.

In such a relationship, one partner parasitizes on the other. The second unfortunate – although he suffers from such a relationship – is trying to save his chosen one who has gone astray and preserve the relationship to the last. At the same time, both get a strange pleasure from this game.

Examples around us:

  • the tyrant husband lives according to the principle “beats means he loves”, and the sheep wife meekly endures beatings and insults (and secretly takes pride in the halo of a martyr and tells about her sufferings to everyone);

  • or an unrecognized genius. Alone against a cruel world, drenches existential loneliness with alcohol. And his angel girl sacrifices everything for him. After all, without her, he will die!

These examples show that most often in a codependent relationship, a man shifts responsibility for his life and the whole family onto a woman. But it looks like she really needs him. And even if he breaks the connection with this man, then in his place there will immediately be another, no better than the previous one. The situation will be repeated until the “victim” finds satisfaction in other areas of life.

Where does codependency come from

Like most of our psychological problems, codependency in relationships dates back to childhood.

  • Often those relationships fall into those who, as a child, lacked unconditional love. To meet their parents’ over-visions, they had to constantly fulfill and overfulfill the plan.

  • If a person observed a model of codependent relationships in childhood (for example, dad played all the money at cards, and mom worked in two shifts so that the family had something to eat), he is almost 100% likely to reproduce a negative scenario in adulthood.

How codependency differs from healthy relationships

Codependency

Healthy relationships

The partner constantly manipulates feelings of guilt, jealousy, reproaches

Constructive dialogue takes place, relieving tension rather than exacerbating it

A pernicious “vertical” is created: one is lifted up on a pedestal, the second serves

Equality of partners

Emotional blackmail is practiced:

“I can not live without you”,

“He will be lost without me”,

“You are my last chance”

Partners complement and develop each other.

They are happy together, but if something happens they can become happy in a new relationship.

What to do

If codependent relationships are your sad reality, I highly recommend rethinking your life.

Perhaps you are captivated by false attitudes that prevent you from realizing the importance of your own life in isolation from your partner. Understand: it’s great to be close people, but at the same time you must remain separate and self-sufficient individuals. The couple are not some Siamese twins, if they separate, both will die. A mature relationship is a partnership. Only on this soil can true love flourish.

If you cannot escape the vicious circle on your own, it’s time to see a psychologist!

Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

How to rekindle relationships and bring back intimacy?

Reading time 7 minutes

“Love lives for three years” – this idea was put forward by a famous French writer in his time. It would seem that long-term marriages are clear evidence of the opposite, but there is still some truth in this saying. Love, harmony in a relationship with a loved one is a fickle value. It has both ups and downs in equal measure. And if feelings began to fade, then how to revive love in the family and return the relationship? How to bring passion back into a relationship, thus reanimating it? And is it worth saving a sinking ship? There are a lot of questions on this topic, but we will try to answer each of them.

There are two things that the ear does not hear for a mile, but whose echo still carries from one end of the earth to the other: this is when a felled tree falls, which is still bearing fruit, and when a woman who loves him sent away by her husband sighs. © Lyon Feuchtwanger

<< Table of Contents >>

how to bring back intimacy

Stay or leave?

Something like this sounds the question that every woman asks herself when she comes to the realization that in their relationship with their beloved, everything is not as smooth as we would like. To begin with, think about what price will be required to pay for the returned love, and will it be love?

First of all, you need to understand only one thing – the rescue of drowning people is always a matter for the drowning people themselves. If you see that all your efforts are in vain, then think about it: is there any point in trying to reanimate what is essentially already dead? Because, the maximum that you can count on in such a situation is a complex of guilt towards you, on the part of your beloved. Yes, maybe he will stay close, for some time there may even be romance, but let’s be frank – all this will be just an illusion, a kind of surrogate that, no matter how much you want, will not be able to replace true love. When trying to get back in a relationship with your husband, it is very important to know what is what to return.

Understand that sacrifice on your part can only harm you in the first place. If your soul mate demands that you leave work, just because you have little time to be alone, then do not rush to burn the bridges. Think over everything carefully, because perhaps the first bell has sounded now that it is worth reconsidering your relationship in order to see the real situation.

However, as we all perfectly understand, not all relationships can be returned. If of the following facts, you answered at least three in the affirmative, then it is worth putting a bold point in such relations, since it is no longer possible to reanimate them:

  1. Regular cheating – it would seem that the presence of this fact is already a reason to forget a person once and for all. But the reality is that most people (especially women) cherish the hope for a very long time that their partner is about to change his mind, to understand that they are better. A worse option is possible. When a woman, while searching for how to return passion to a relationship, begins to blame herself. So dear ladies, instead of spending your inner strength to forgive the asshole, use them for your own good – find a new one.
  2. Complete lack of shared emotions – we are talking, of course, only about positive, not negative. If a couple has forgotten how to rejoice together, then rest assured that the relationship cannot be saved. Do you know the saying: a friend is known in trouble? So, in relation to the beloved, it also needs to be applied, and if you do not at least share moments of happiness with you, then what can we say about that moment when trouble knocks on the door?
  3. Sleep separately from each other – any advice on how to return passion to a relationship will be useless if partners sleep separately from each other. This situation is often due to the beloved punishment of women. Have you heard of this? “Sleeping on the couch today!” And then a control knock on the bedroom door. Sounds funny, right? But because instead of the desired result of such “re-education” – an apology, you will receive complete apathy towards yourself. So think carefully about whether you need to apply such “inhuman” punishment.
  4. Goodbye trust – regular calls, SMS to a loved one with only one purpose – to find out where he (s) and with whom. This is a pronounced sign of a complete lack of trust in a couple. We are not talking now, that you are just worried, so they called to clarify whether everything is fine. No, we are talking about a strong pressure on your part, which borders on tyranny. So, if you want to return a relationship with your beloved, then finally stop engaging in telephone terrorism! Learn to trust your loved ones!
  5. Communication only through the use of quarrels – sooner or later, due to the large amount of accumulated resentment, omissions, any conversation will take place in a raised voice. Any reason to talk, frankly, is regarded extremely negatively, developing into a quarrel. If a family is not able to conduct an adequate dialogue, then this is no longer a family, but simply a cohabitation of two people.
  6. Only apart – a kind of final alarm that it is time to end the relationship is that it has become more comfortable for you to spend your free time separately from each other. It is much better for you to spend time alone with yourself or with friends than to go somewhere with your beloved. Unfortunately, if this happens, then it is pointless to try to save the situation. Consider this a kind of rejection from each other.

As you can see, all of the above reasons are a clear sign that saving a relationship is simply a waste of time, and most importantly of internal strength. Trying to keep such a Titanic afloat, you simply risk burning out emotionally. Of course, letting go of the person who used to be the whole world for you is very difficult, but sometimes necessary. Understand one simple rule for yourself: if this person is yours, then he will certainly return to you sooner or later.

Operation Save Love has begun!

is it possible to return the relationship

And yet, if you are among the lucky ones who simply have temporary difficulties that need, and most importantly, can be corrected, then you are here. To begin with, it is worth emphasizing that the methods of how to return passion in relationships for men and women are radically different. What a woman can use to kindle a fire in a relationship is rare, when she can give even a small spark in the performance of a man. For this reason, the advice of a psychologist on how to return a family will be divided into two blocks: separately for men, and separately for women.

Recommendations for women

If you have to improve relations with your man, then you need to remember one simple thing – absolutely all men are materialists. The chance that they are somehow affected by conversations or requests is minimal. And if, nevertheless, they even take action, then for a very short period of time. So if you want to get the well-deserved result of your efforts, it will be very effective to apply the following tips to life:

is it possible to return passion to a relationship

  1. More touches – wanting to restore relations with their husbands, most women try to follow too sophisticated advice and practices, forgetting that with men, the simpler tactics will be the best. So rule number 1 – hug your loved one, thus expressing your concern, as well as showing tenderness. However, there is one caveat – choosing the right time for a hug. If you see that the guy is not in tune for any tactile contact, then you should not walk behind him, trying to impose your touches. True, you don’t need to overdo it either, because there is a chance that you will be christened an octopus.
  2. Give gifts – not only the fair sex love to be pampered with gifts. No matter how they tell you that this is superfluous, that it does not matter to him at all – do not listen. Exactly the same words are said by girls to guys, and then they still get offended because he listened to her and did not give anything. This way of bringing passion back into a relationship is very effective. The truth needs to be clarified. The gift must be desired, as well as one that could be used on a daily basis. The ideal option would be a watch or, if your boyfriend smokes, an expensive lighter. It is better not to give socks.
  3. Help – necessarily sincere, and most importantly disinterested. In no case, you can not put the terms of an agreement with your husband: they say you to me, and I to you. Only pure altruism. Nobody tells you to do the impossible, but agree, it costs nothing if you see that your half is tired at work, cook a delicious dinner, and then have a relaxing massage without commitments before bedtime? Or, for example, during the repair of the car, bring him a small lunch. True love, care and tenderness are always shown in such little things.
  4. Support – in order to revive love in the family, it is very important to become a full-fledged support for your husband. Problems at work, conflict with friends – all this is so exhausting that even like a wolf howl. A loving wife, at such moments, does not play the role of a saw, which once again reminds him of this, but simply stays close, saying encouraging words, showered with care more than usual.
  5. Be on the same wavelength – Does your spouse love fishing? It’s time to get interested in her. Of course, you should not run headlong for tackle or spinning, but it is still worth showing interest in his hobbies. Start a conversation about his hobbies, ask him to explain certain points. It is important to show sincere interest during the conversation, because if a man sees that you have started a dialogue purely out of politeness, resentment is guaranteed.

This is how the current advice looks for women who think not only about how to return passion to a relationship, but want to return harmony with understanding to their personal life. There is no order of their application. You need to be guided by the situation, excluding something for a while, and combining something. But one thing is for sure – the result will pleasantly surprise you.

How to bring a wife back to the family: a guide for dummies

how to get my husband back

  1. The situation is completely opposite in men. The fact is that if you managed to make your spouse stop all attempts to return harmony to your relationship, then there are only two options: she is either very offended at you, or is already looking for a way to poison you (just kidding). The problem for most men is only that you want to start saving a relationship when there is nothing special to save, but it is still possible. In your case, there is only one option – show your love. Yes exactly. Start caring for your wife or girlfriend again, making her feel beautiful again, and most importantly desirable.
  2. Start giving flowers not only on March 8 and your birthday – give them for no reason. See how tired she is after work? Prepare dinner (even if it is pasta and sausages), wash the dishes and put them to bed. The main thing is to be attentive, caring always, and not only then will the mood be. Start complimenting her eventually! Or did no one tell you that women love with their ears?
  3. Let’s just be honest: if you don’t start thinking about how to return passion to a relationship, then believe me – another man will do it. The world has not converged on you like a wedge, which means there is a great chance that there is a man nearby who clearly appreciates your girlfriend more, showing all that care along with tenderness that you probably forgot about. You will see: as soon as a sincere gamut of tender feelings is shown on your part, the answer from the outside will not be long in coming. You will even be pleasantly surprised by the fact that the wife can be not only a grumpy shrew who is always unhappy with everything, but can also be affectionate, understanding. Initially, it all depends on your attitude towards her. Be sure your wife’s behavior is a mirror image of your relationship with her.

Summing up all of the above, I want to say only one thing: love each other. Do not hide your feelings, being embarrassed or afraid of ridicule from the outside. The manifestation of your true feelings, a normal phenomenon, which is necessary for the person dear to you to know that everything is in order with you. Remember that caring is the true expression of love.

Why do women agree to relationships with those who do not value them?

I was motivated to write this article by a certain number of similar stories of my clients and friends.

Why does a woman endure when she is cheated on, not appreciated and for years not called to marry?

And at the same time, she continues to love, care and wait for him to make up his mind and make a choice to be with her.

Very often the reason is a woman’s low self-esteem, she herself does not even understand how beautiful, intelligent, interesting and deserves a different attitude towards herself!
Therefore, she agrees to such an unhealthy relationship where she is not appreciated and respected. Where you can forget to congratulate on the holiday, show up for your birthday later than everyone else or without a gift at all, change, do not spend the night, and so on.

The question is – why put up with all this? What hole inside ourselves do we close with the help of such men? And the hole is still the same – dislike from childhood and self-doubt, but at least someone is nearby and there is still a wild fear that he will leave, give up and you will be left alone.

Isn’t it too high a price to endure such an attitude towards yourself, to understand that you are not loved and appreciated, but it is just so convenient for him, but yes, there is sex, and the food is not bad – beauty. Well, let him show neither love nor tenderness and you have nothing to talk about, but he is near and I am not alone.
Somehow it’s not healthy, don’t you think? And not about such a relationship you dreamed of, but just got it!

What to do, you ask? Probably, first take off your rose-colored glasses, that he will change and you will deserve his Love). Love cannot be earned – it is either there or not! And there are men who are not able to love and give, they can only take and be where it is convenient for them.

But is it convenient for you next to him, this is a question …


Life is yours and you have only one and you decide – to be happy or to plug the hole and pretend that everything is fine with you, although your soul is empty and painful that they treat you that way.
Open your eyes, love yourself and be happy!

Margarita Mikhaleva,

certified trainer for Radical Forgiveness,

was trained by the author of the method – Colin Tipping,
Institute for Radical Forgiveness (UK)

The first date is the foundation for future relationships.

Each of us knows very well how exciting the first date is. You spend so much time and effort to choose a suitable outfit, and uninvited thoughts come into your head: “What if I’ll blurt out something stupid? What if you don’t like me? And the first date will be the last … “

What should be remembered in order to a) win over a person, b) evaluate the prospect of further relationships, c) enjoy the time spent together? Here are some tips.

Relax!

When you are relaxed, you are natural, open; you feel calm, in harmony with yourself and others.

“It’s not that easy,” you say. “How can I reach the state of Zen when I am burning with excitement?” There is a good way.

Just keep the thought in mind: in the end, either the person likes you or not.

This rule works both at the physiological and subconscious levels.

You can spend a lot of time on your hair, choosing shoes or the perfect shirt – and the brain signals him (or her) “no”, because, you see, the pheromones are not the right ones.

In addition, each of us has an ideal image of a partner. And at the first meeting, whether we like it or not, we project it onto a real person. If there is a deep dissonance – alas: “Thank you for a great evening, but we are very different.”

So, everything is simple, we repeat: either you like it or not. Everything! So relax and have fun. Great wine, isn’t it? That’s the same.

Ask the right questions

Do you want to unobtrusively understand whether this person is “your”? Here’s a quick three-question cheat sheet to help you learn more about him and assess the prospects for a relationship:

  • Does he have friends and how long have they been friends? (That is, whether he knows how to maintain a long-term relationship and compromise.)

  • Who are his friends? (We determine the circle of friends, life values.)

  • How does he see his future, say, in 5 years? (Well, what have we got here with goals and ideals?)

In general, we probe the soil, but so that it does not resemble an interview, or even more so an interrogation. It is worth asking such questions not in a row with a machine-gun burst, but from time to time during a date. Plus, each question will give impetus to a new round of an exciting and useful conversation.

Be kind to your partner

Pleasant disposition to a person, but not choking delight. The wild admiration seems to be fake. But adequate sympathy – it just creates an aura of trust.

One more nuance is important here. There are no ideal people. Everyone has small flaws, and this makes us human.

So show your partner that you see his imperfection and … do not attach much importance to it. Then he will see that he is accepted for who he is, and will relax, return to his comfort zone.

Don’t be afraid of your own imperfection

On the contrary, use it as leverage to lure your partner over to your side.

Did you accidentally knock over a glass of wine at dinner in a cafe?

“Well, I keep dropping something all the time. It’s good that now it’s just a glass, and not a bank card in a street drain, like a couple of days ago. ”

Everything, the bridge is built! The partner will either remember a similar story, or sympathize. In any case, the disadvantage will paradoxically be ranked among … your merits. Some absent-mindedness and awkwardness is so cute.

A person who sees his shortcomings and knows how to laugh at himself makes it clear: he is confident in himself and at the same time evaluates himself soberly. Frankness and light self-irony make a person desirable and attractive.


On the first date, both should not be shy, hide their flaws and show only one, advantageous, side. And who wants to turn their three-dimensional personality into a flat cardboard character?

The first date is a great start for a close and honest relationship built on trust and acceptance of each other with all the flaws.

Alexey Afanasov,
psychologist, leading practice and trainings

Do relationships make us stronger or smarter?

Do relationships make us stronger or smarter?

Do relationships make us stronger or smarter?

My first relationship started on the Internet. University, work, parents and various chores constantly prevented me from finding a good guy. I wanted so much to fall in love that I had to take a desperate step – I registered on a dating site.



BlueSkyImage, Shutterstock.com

I thought for a long time about what to write in the questionnaire. I carefully chose my words, tried to tell only the truth about myself. Apparently, I succeeded, since there were a lot of messages from representatives of the strong half of humanity. I would even say too much, which I did not count on.

Most guys and men wrote trivial messages, some – a mobile phone number with a hint of intimate relationships. But since my soul demanded romance, love and adventure, I was not interested in and impressed by all this.

My choice fell on a man who wrote me a very unusual message:

- You are like fog, in the light of the moon, descending on a field of violets!

I imagine what you thought! Then I was struck outright, now I would have decided that he was a maniac. Having studied his profile, I wanted to meet with him. With every message I fell in love more and more. We made an appointment.

God, he came on a date in a suit and a bouquet of roses. We talked for a long time, talked about everything except sex and money. It's great when you can just talk about the beautiful, flutter and not sink to the ground, talking about worldly things.

There were many dates, he constantly surprised me, made surprises, gave inexpensive gifts. But when the slight fleur of euphoria began to fade, I gradually began to recognize his real one. I gave him a postcard with kissing hedgehogs, and he said that romance is not for him, he is too old. I realized that in fact he hid his true age.

When I asked about age, he confessed that he had slowed down five years. I accepted it, but the residue remained. After this awkward situation, he wanted to meet my friends. I arranged a meeting, and he found an approach to everyone. I watched his maneuvers and could not understand - how is this possible? Naturally, my friends approved of it.

Later he introduced me to his friends, and then to his sister. His parents have already died. We met, constantly communicated when we were at a distance from each other. I came to him, he came to me. Everything was great! In the evening we could not stop talking on the phone. One morning he did not pick up the phone or answer the message. The silence lasted for several days.

Then he called me himself and asked me to remove the profile from the dating site. I have deleted. Everything seemed to be working out, but something was already wrong. It seemed to me that there was another person in front of me. That he does everything to push me away.

He constantly received messages on his phone, reading them, he probably smiled like a March cat. Once he asked me what he had written on the page, or rather, than his profile hooked me. I was taken aback and said that I did not remember. He got very angry and said that I just poked my finger at the first questionnaire.

It was insulting to tears. Then he disappeared again. A few days later, when I was about to go to bed, he called me and in a drunken voice asked me to come. I packed up and drove off. He was drunk, and there were many empty bottles of expensive alcohol in the apartment. I asked what was going on. He said he loved me, but we cannot be together ...

I realized that when I was drunk I could get everything out of him ...

- We can't be together. I'm not who you want. Your choice fell on me by accident. As soon as the best option comes along, you leave me. I'd rather do it first. I cheated on you. I am still searching. I've always wanted romance, but you don't give it to me. I need a girl who will sit at home and bring slippers when I tell her. And you are not like that, you are smart and beautiful. I keep looking for a girlfriend. I can't find you better, but it will be difficult with you ...

I left, remembering the card with hedgehogs ...

This relationship has given me a lot. I matured and realized that I was ready to love. The next day he called me, apologized and asked me to come. I said I had a date. He was clearly in shock. In the evening I called him and said that I was leaving him for another. You know, apparently, I loved him. Now, looking back, I understand this. I am grateful to him. I decided to leave myself, although I suffered for a very long time, worried and could not forget him.

A month later, he called me and began to tell me that he had met a girl, she moved in with him. She is what he was looking for. Young and does not ask unnecessary questions ...

- Does she bring you slippers?

- Yes! Now do you understand that we did not fit each other?

- Sure! I'm happy for you! Very! Honestly…

He taught me a lot ... I understand that beauty is not enough. I collect information, I try to get to know the person well. I constantly pay attention to all sorts of little things. I didn't become suspicious. I also trust people, but I have learned to let them go. Why think and wonder for a long time what went wrong. It's easy to understand a man, you need to hear him. There is no point in looking for hidden meaning in simple words ...

- We just don't fit together ...

Think I forgot about dating sites once and for all? No, now I have a relationship that originated on the same site. Any relationship hardens us and makes us stronger. Don't be afraid of love. In order to find the perfect man - you need to look for him!

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Article published in Issue 11/21/2014

Updated 07.22.

Relationships and how to be in them, how to survive, how to survive, how not to lose yourself. Ask, where is love here?

Is there a relationship built on love, and can this love last forever, or is it a battle after all?

The contact of two worlds, two worldviews, the search for the main and “henpecked”, disputes and conflicts, and sometimes vice versa, just coexistence in a space called living space
I guess many have experienced similar experiences and have thought about the above.

Relationships, and how to be happy in them, is a very popular topic in our time, but this is not taught at school, it is not taught at the institute. We learn this science ourselves, from our own experience, from our mistakes, most often we take as a basis the scheme of the relationship of our parents, whether we like it or not, but it is still unconsciously stitched into us. And more often than not, we either start from it or strive for it, but it still determines our current pattern of behavior. The unconscious rules – whether we want it or not.

My wife and I are two psychologists who came to each other after having learned the experience of relationships, someone once, someone did not stop there. And as you understand all our relations at the time of the meeting ended, we got experience. The experience of trying to create, to lose, the experience of love, falling in love, loss and separation, betrayal and disappointment, happiness and pleasure. There was a lot, but one thing for all this – that all relations ended and we parted with our partners.

And already having met. With some experience behind us, we decided not to take risks and agreed that if we go into relations with each other, then only for today. We said to each other: “let’s be together today, and tomorrow we’ll decide what’s next …”

As it turned out, this helped us a lot, and looking ahead I will say that we have been together for 12 years and for me this is the longest relationship in my life and what I especially like is that I do not intend to end it …

… I’ll digress a little and try to explain what exactly I want to convey to you …

We are a couple of psychologists who build their relationships at the same time and observe what is happening, on the examples of our inner experiences, on the examples of our disputes, trainings are born, exercises that help us to experience difficult moments in our life, moments of unity and pleasure are born, and all this develops into articles, exercises, trainings.

This is what we will share with you on the pages of this channel, our website, groups on Instagram, Facebook … and in the near future, we will also add a youtube channel …. Choose what is convenient for you.

And we invite you to join the community of happy people who love themselves, surround themselves with the same loving hearts.
Who know how to find ways to overcome difficult times, conflicts, quarrels … who know how to be together, can and want to love and be loved.

Couples who create harmonious families, give birth to beloved children, benefit this world and simply enjoy what they do and bring to the world.

So the topic of relationships
Let’s continue.
By the way, I think that the topic is so multifaceted that I have an idea to break it down into topics, divide it into categories that are important for each of us.

And we will definitely need your help, please, write in the comments what topics, questions are more relevant to you, what attracts most attention, what is most interesting to figure out right now.

The fact is that we already have a lot of material, and a lot of this has already been written, but even more raw material, so to speak unreleased, and all this is just waiting for your attention, let us know what you are interested in and give us the opportunity to help you find the best solutions …

After all, each of us wants to receive love, respect, support and care. From friends or loved ones, from a wife or husband, to figure out what hinders this and already just become happy, well, or whoever you want to feel in a relationship …

And the topic of relationships is very conducive to this.

All the best, Lyudmila and Alexey

Relationships are real and expected

Today I will describe another analogy that I use from time to time during consultations with clients. The context is friendship and relationships.

The mind with its ideas is like an archive on the shelves of which ancient reference books and contracts are kept. In a reference book, for example, a relatively clear and nuanced definition of friendship can be given, and the contract regulates the rights and obligations of an abstract friend.

And if a person is credited as a friend for some particular reason, the mind begins to extrapolate – to draw far-reaching conclusions from these particular properties. First, he ascribes to a living person all the other imaginary qualities of a friend (from his reference book), and then imaginary duties (from a contract) that a real friend is “obliged” to fulfill. Otherwise, our inner “judge” fixes the violation and is indignant at such injustice, he wants to punish the violator and force him to fulfill the contract.

Not everyone realizes that such agreements are not true and universal, but in each individual mind they are subjective and unique – with their own set of rules. That is, when we take a person for a friend, then from the very beginning we blindly believe that a copy of our agreement is gathering dust in his mind, which he signed by default and pledged to observe.

Not everyone understands that everyone understands the very concept of friendship in their own way. If a person behaved friendly in a private situation, then enrolling him as a friend and expecting the fulfillment of the “friendship” (the same of the “agreement”) somewhere is equivalent to recognizing the platypus as a bird and expecting him to fly jointly just because there is a beak. Platypus – he is a platypus.

The person nearby may not even suspect that he has become someone else’s friend. In his mind, a friendship agreement may describe very different principles.

And in such a situation, when instead of the expected “friendship” they receive something unexpectedly unpleasant, so as not to be offended, it is useful to admit that the problem arose not at all because the person behaved incorrectly, but specifically because of his own unrealistic expectations – he divorced himself , he was fascinated – you yourself and disentangle. Such awareness is a pure manifestation of responsibility, leading out of the position of the victim. And the platypus simply cannot be a bird by its original nature.

In the archives of the mind of such contracts – an abundance, for all occasions. The rights and obligations of relatives, loved ones, friends, colleagues and even strangers are “spelled out” there. The mind contains a rich set of personal laws that life supposedly must comply with. As a result, it is not people who communicate, but mental templates – they figure out which of them is more important and real.

In a relationship

In a relationshipIn love relationships, the topic of such formalities sounds even more poignant. The very fact of being in a relationship for most partners already implies submission to a whole set of obligations. Being in a relationship is one contract. Being in a serious relationship is different, more serious. Being loved is the third, most profitable one with a bunch of additional bonuses.

As soon as the partners hang some labels on what is happening between themselves and on each other, they immediately begin to clarify the “relationship”, attempts to determine which agreement they correspond to and where they are violated. As a result, the two are involved not so much in living, real relationships as in such proceedings and litigation.

The substance that is so often mistaken for a relationship is not at all the real thing that is already happening between two people, but only another set of rights and obligations – something artificial, implied and expected.

Therefore, so much importance is attached to signs of attention and declarations of love. They are perceived as a promise of happiness. It was as if a partner who confessed his feelings considered the possibility of a joint happy future and pledged to realize it. This naive delusion breaks off the hopes of all lovers.

Other people’s bright impulses and confessions are not some kind of symbol of an impending happy fairy tale, but just an expression of current fleeting emotions that can calmly disappear tomorrow. It is useful to be aware of this in order to avoid bitter disappointments, so that the fairy tale now and then does not turn into a burning drama.

Only what is already happening between people is their real relationship. As soon as they are driven into the formal order, all lightness leaves them, and compulsion gradually penetrates. The more solidified ideas about what a relationship should be, the more painful the grinding – breaking of one’s own beliefs. And the likelihood of finding agreement and peace with a partner is close to zero.

That lively and spontaneous that really unites people in itself can be something beautiful. But if you rush insensibly ahead of the locomotive with a blind conviction of how the relationship should develop, you can inadvertently trample this fragile substance.

Verification of reality

One more example. Imagine a situation where a wolf, wishing to hunt hares more effectively, decides to negotiate with an eagle so that he helps to track down the victim from a height. As payment for hired eagle labor, the wolf shares the prey. Eagle is happy with the deal, but sometimes he is offended by the formal callous attitude of the wolf. The eagle, cooperating with the wolf, takes him for a close human friend, and expects some kind of reciprocal feelings. And the wolf does not need all this. He wants extremely effective hunting for hares, and meets the whims of the eagle with irritation.

It’s helpful to understand that an employer doesn’t have to love. He hires an assistant, not for companionship, but for dry mutual benefit. In the meantime, the pattern of what the boss should be – kind, polite, gifting – is maintained – constant dissatisfaction is ensured.

It is useless to expect the habits of a faithful pet dog from a wolf. And to be offended here, as a rule, is simply useless, and there is nothing – the wolf behaves like a wolf, not out of harm, but because such is its wolf nature.

Again. If someone behaved in an unacceptable way, attributing the reason for your own dissatisfaction with someone else’s behavior is throwing off responsibility. The real reason inside is the breaking of one’s own template, which has not passed the verification of reality.

Of course, there is no need to maintain uncomfortable connections. You can negotiate, say goodbye, seek compromises. But blindly believing in your righteousness and imposing it is a path to nowhere, the cause of scandals and the destruction of any relationship.

In a real-life relationship, there may not be the enchanting tale that expectations paint. And this fairy tale is sometimes, in general, unrealizable. But if you let go of the claims to the impossible, the idea of ​​right and wrong relationships, it may turn out that the person next to him quite likes himself the way he is – imperfect, with his troubles, but still real.

I plan to continue the topic.

© Igor Satorin

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