I continue the topic of real and expected relationships.
It just so happens that almost everyone in this life hopes to find their happiness in a relationship. Work, hobbies, self-development and other meanings are just additions to this basic canvas of universal hopes and expectations.
And after all, no one expects scandals, lapping, jealousy, despair. They are waiting for the fulfillment of dreams, great and bright love, and spiritual harmony. Perhaps upbringing, stamped values, beautiful fairy tales and films have an effect – this ideal of happy relationships is very tightly hammered into our heads.
I sometimes give clients an analogy where I say that the relationship that is expected is such a Hollywood commercial movie – a sugary fairy tale with a happy end. And what they get in a relationship in fact is already an author’s European cinema with a serious connotation (it is also called “the other”), where it is realistically displayed, as everything usually unfolds among mere mortals. But in reality, about all of them have some kind of drama and pendulum, which in terms of its prevalence is the “normal” average statistical relationship.
Not everyone is ready to admit this, they play contented mines at the mercy of the public, but lament over their cracked fairy tale secretly, often with tears, as if admitting that life has failed … Only because the dream turned out to be too childish and naive.
But even a series of “failures” and partings does not interfere with continuing and further amuse themselves with blind hope – it, like the Phoenix, burns out and is reborn again and again. They continue to believe in a fairy tale. They say the whole thing is in the right person, your own person, whom you just need to find – and then happiness will come.
But as soon as the very person on whom this “happiness” depends, literally immediately another drama begins to unfold. At the same time, hope does not fade away immediately completely (they would have easily got off), but goes through cycles of small deaths and rebirths, as if waiting for its final happy embodiment, when the anticipated dream finally comes into full force already finally and irrevocably.
And for happiness to begin, such a ridiculous “trifle” is needed so that the partner, having stopped breaking down, finally understands that he is the One and has already begun to love truly in full force. Well, yes, just like in a fairy tale.
It is this kind of enchanting realization that is expected from a partner when they fall in love with him. And this realization, according to all the canons of hope, must happen once and for all. For happiness to be “real” – invincible to the end of time.
But even this is not enough. Such eternal love must be proved daily, so that there will be no doubt in its eternity! Otherwise, another cycle of heartbreaking drama.
As if from icy water – into fire – and vice versa – and so again in a circle it can throw consciousness until the ideals torn from life are completely burned out.
Drama and fairy tale are two sides of the same coin. It is impossible to isolate from the ideal and keep one joy. The more the relationship is idealized, the more powerful the subsequent breakdown, frustration and disappointment.
To a lover, his own feelings may seem holy, not subject to blasphemous doubts. That is why fabulous inspiring hopes are so difficult to subject to critical analysis – you just believe in them – firmly, of course, selflessly. As if fate itself has finally decided to reward the well-deserved relying on happiness.
Roughly the same is practiced by a fan when he hangs the wall with posters of his idol. Falling in love, fanaticism, worship of idols, teachers, beautiful spiritual ideas and achievements are all phenomena of the same order. The place of a personal fetish can be taken by any object that obscures the mind with a haze of blissful anticipation. Relationships are not the only, but only the most common and socially accepted way to practice obsession.
Even mutual passion and some kind of mutual understanding does not guarantee the fulfillment of a dream. Any shade of idealization first spins joyful forebodings, and then leads to despair, where the relationship, step by step, lose its magical aura and turn into a “pumpkin”.
Everything begins with idealization, with its debunking, it dramatically moves to the final credits – a relationship that has not become a fairy tale will not suit the idealist. And if the candy-bouquet period is nevertheless passed, and the partners have not recoiled from each other, a whole series of joint trials awaits them. One way or another, one cannot get away from grinding in, breaking one’s own views and values. Therefore, it is useless to count on a fairy tale in any case.
I am not suggesting that happiness in a relationship is unrealizable, in general. We can say that in a relationship there is no happiness that people have believed in since childhood – idealistic, fabulous. Therefore, here the very nature of possible happiness deserves special attention. And the point here is not at all in the “right” partner, or not only in him. The real reasons for both happiness and unhappiness come from our own gut. I will try to say more about them, probably next time. For now, referring to last year’s article on a similar topic.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- When you think too much
- Ideals and morality of society
- Right life
- Loyalty, betrayal and open relationships