The myth of unconditional love

Is there pure love outside books that accepts you with all your shortcomings and does not demand anything in return?

Undoubtedly, yes … For example, a mother’s love for a child.

And a completely different story: He and She.

You met, fell in love. First emotions: He (She) is the most beautiful, kind, smart, etc.

And you, of course, want to seem better than you are. During this period, the guy goes to see his girlfriend off to the other end of the city, fixes her computer, walks the dog. And the girl cooks dinner for her beloved for five hours, walks in high heels and watches boring football.

Would you try so hard for someone you don’t care about? But what you are doing here is called self-promotion. This is a kind of bribery, not a frank gesture. You didn’t fall in love with abstraction, but with a specific person with a set of “bonuses” you know (even if this is just a great mood that visits you when you are together). And for this you at least need reciprocity.

Trying to win someone’s heart, you enter the role so much that you yourself already believe: you and your idealized version are one and the same person. Well, now you just have to fall in love with such wonderful! That’s really selfishness in its purest form!

And if the “victim” of your love does not notice such a suitable candidate, your wounded pride suffers and an inferiority complex appears. So, after all, I tried to please, I was out of my skin, and your half fell for the other! And after all, no one is to blame for your problem! This means that this person does not need anything from you, he does not see any benefits in relations with you and therefore does not try to indulge your efforts.

You have to understand: no one is obliged to love you just for what you are. By the way, you also do not have to love anyone unconditionally – and do not trust the manipulators!

Now let’s imagine another situation: everything is going well, you are together and both are happy. But you won’t be able to maintain your positive image forever: pretending is extremely energy-consuming and even self-destructive. And as soon as you step back from the ideal image you created, there will be misunderstandings, quarrels, neuroses. Why was it different in the beginning? Was it a hoax? Or is the love gone?

Don’t try to earn love! And then later you will have to grumble that, they say, He (She) does not love you, but _________ (everyone writes their own version). And who is to blame for this? False relationships are doomed to fail.

Conclusion: yes, we are not able to love a partner absolutely unconditionally.

But this does not mean that love does not exist at all.

We can love a person with all his peculiarities and shortcomings and “pay” for the joy of being together with our care (and with everything that you have in your arsenal), expecting all the pleasant things from your partner in return. Such a mutually beneficial exchange in pairs is practiced everywhere.

You can call such love selfish, but do not forget that a person is generally terribly self-centered and it is perfectly natural for him to do everything to become happier.

Alexey Afanasov,

psychologist, leading practice and trainings

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