The tale of “my” man

From childhood, we strive for possession. Cubes, cars, dolls – every child dreams that this will become “mine”, his own. With age, toys are getting cooler. And often, entering adulthood, we transfer a sense of ownership to the person with whom fate brought us together.

“My” person – we convince ourselves that our beloved belongs to us, cherish and cherish him, put our whole soul into him … and are jealous, of course – he is “mine!”, No one can encroach on him!

And it can be difficult for us to understand if suddenly “my” person leaves without looking back …

Possession of a loved one is a complete illusion.

A person cannot be someone else’s property. But we stubbornly seek confirmation of this fiction, proof that we have the right to another person, and, if we find it, there is no limit to our exultation! On the contrary, if the illusion is not confirmed, we plunge into an ocean of pain and disappointment.

In fact, we get evidence of “our innocence” through provocations and checks. And, if the behavior of the beloved for a time coincides with our expectations, we are terribly happy. And once again we assure ourselves that our personal “code of happiness” is the only correct path in a relationship and a loved one will always follow it (hello to Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory with his relationship agreement).

Relationships are built approximately according to the following scheme: “I love you, so you are“ mine ”! And if you are “mine”, then you must! .. “- and then follows a contrived list of responsibilities and restrictions. And we sincerely believe that these artificial snares will become the basis for eternal love …

But a strong relationship cannot be built on the foundation of one’s own unrealistic expectations.

And even if you put your partner in total dependence on you, he still will not completely fall into the “right” notes. He is a living person, with his own habits, character and … expectations from relationships. As a result, either your “big love” will be blown to smithereens at once, or the relationship will last for some time, but the energy will be spent on maintaining your dream!

Real life is poorly predictable. It seems to us that we are in complete control of our senses, body, and future. But in reality, feelings fade away, the body can let us down, and the situation, which was calculated to the smallest detail, will get out of control …

That is why coming up with a beautiful fairy tale and expecting your partner to be an obedient puppet in it is naive to say the least. We cannot always manage our own lives, let alone someone else’s!


Building a relationship solely on your own expectations is an initial failure. The main bricks from which the owner builds relationships is jealousy, total control, distrust. The owner is simply not able to listen to the feelings and desires of a partner – you can love your toy, but not see a person in it …

The basis of a mature, informed relationship is, first of all, mutual respect of partners.


Lyudmila Ivanovskaya,
psychologist, trainer, specialist in the field of relations
and family constellations

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