No one believes one hundred percent in their own strength, in the ability to independently pull their own life. Deep down, everyone feels that they really don’t know this life. So everyone looks at each other for answers.
Just as women want to hide behind a stone wall of male guardianship, so likewise men strive under the heel so that they do not have to think about what to do with their lives.
In the end, the best relationship (for most) is just a way not to grow up, not realize, not act in order to stay in comfort behind the wing of an older companion, who, ideally, will provide unlimited support and love.
For the same purposes, sectarians rush to the teacher’s feet, where they see themselves as protection from the soul-warming illusion of the “right” path.
Everyone wants more confident partners – preferably gods and goddesses – all-knowing, all-accepting, loving. Therefore, men are looking for a “heel”, and women are looking for a “stone wall.”
A man is not aroused by an insecure, weak woman – she seems to be an infantile daughter. A woman does not respect a weak man – she perceives him as a soft rag and again as a child.
The demanded confidence is not material security and high career levels, but rather – spiritual seniority, the ability to interact with reality boldly and firmly.
Relationships for most of us are such a stopgap from the collision with the unsupported life. Relationships are immersed in the blissful illusion of security, where you do not have to accept the challenge of the unknown. A partner is essential to service our engagement in the rosy mirage of future comfort. The fear of losing this protective mirage saturates the relationship with a full range of negative emotions.
Three types of drama
In psychology, there is one popular theory, on the basis of which personality has three roles: child, parent and adult. The parent indicates, controls and subordinates. The child is capricious and obeys, looking for protection and patronage. An adult does not impose anything on anyone, but takes responsibility for his claims to himself, communicates on equal terms, negotiates.
Until a person becomes a mentally adult, his relationship will turn into a drama, where you can play three roles:
The first option is a heel and a stone wall… The role of a child partner in a relationship is always a double-edged sword. On one – a feeling of security, on the other – everything that is attached to the defense of this feeling: control, jealousy, affection and still – a constant alarming background, because under the heel and behind a stone wall they still hide (from fear of real life) …
The second option is to press with your heel and enclose with a wall… The role of a parent in a relationship is sometimes chosen of their own free will, in order to subdue, or bribe with care for their still beloved partner. But the further he is given the role of the weak, the less he is perceived as a full-fledged person – and love is replaced by contemptuous disappointment.
The third option is rivalry… Here, the partners do not feel the strength behind each other, cannot fully trust, obey – and regularly sort things out, as if calling for the other to either become more mature and caring, or to admit that the leader in the relationship is not him at all.
Relationships do not turn into drama only for a mentally adult person who does not expect protection from a partner.
Princesses and princes
It is easier to put up with the female claim to the role of a material-psychological dependent in society. After all, nature itself has endowed a woman with the burdens of bearing and feeding offspring, and a man with the strength to protect his home. But in our time, this ancient reality is increasingly being elevated to such an ideal, where a man is something like a servitor for a princess saturated with divine energy.
In words, of course, no man wants a woman’s heel. As in the parent-child relationship, one wants not a tight-knit gauntlet, but boundless love and care. But children are not only pampered, but also brought up with varying degrees of rigidity. Therefore, under the heel, a collar of male obedience is also attached to female patronage.
That is, hoping to remain in a relationship as a child under the care of a strong personality, ideally they want to be something like little princes and princesses – such special creatures created to admire and indulge their whims. But an adult, having remained infantile in his soul, evokes in those around him not love with tenderness, but disdainful pity.
Both men and women are approximately equally children in their souls, and they crave the support and guidance of a superior guide. I have already covered this topic on progressman.ru in an article about adult children.
How do they become mentally adults?
There are many paths to spiritual maturation, but perhaps the two most obvious are independence and self-sufficiency – that is, the ability to solve their problems and easily endure solitude.
Growing up mentally is always a difficult path of transformation from the fearful position “I don’t know and I cannot cope myself” into the position “I may not know, but I will cope as best I can”. That is, it is the acceptance of the challenge of life. A person can admit his helplessness in front of the unknown, but does not give up and, despite fear, continues to act – to solve problems, make mistakes, and gain life experience.
A mentally mature person, as if saturated with itself, easily endures loneliness, therefore, it is perceived by others as if a special light shines from its inside with its own strength. It is sometimes called the inner core.
Such a person is often idealized, projecting almost magical features onto him, as if a divine stream passes through his body. And he actually, perhaps, is simply not bad. And that’s all.
And if a person suffers alone, he, as if hungry, deprived of his own light, is drawn to the one who has more of this light. This is where the legs of attachment, jealousy and possessiveness grow.
When a person dares to listen to his desires and actively implement them, others follow him, because they believe that their leader knows what, in general, is happening and where to move. Leaders replace fathers and mothers.
Relationships, in general, are characterized by heat – a mixture of warmth and burning drama. Solitude is characterized by coldness – a mixture of bliss with chilling fear.
There are no right paths. But there are desirable paths where the gut responds with consent. Trusting your life to others can lead to a sense of security that now and then turns into suffocating boundaries. Trusting yourself, you accept the challenge of the unknown, but you gain a chance for freedom.
© Igor Satorin
Other articles on this topic:
- Relationship rules
- Affection under the mask of love
- Active and passive men in relationships
As a reservation, I want to say that the above is only one of the possible aspects of the relationship, and may not be emphasized in the overall picture.
Images from the TV series “Game of Thrones” were used as illustrations for the article.